Types of criticism

Being criticized is never fun, but it’s a necessary and common part of life, and learning how to receive criticism can help you grow as a person and improve your self-worth.

Ann Friedman, a journalist, created the Disapproval Matrix, which is a fun diagram breaking down disapproval into its sources:

Additionally, it’s important to be aware of the tone of the criticism:

1. Gentle

   • Usually comes from friends and allies.

   • Often contains padding or pleasantries before it.

   • It can be difficult to tell how seriously they feel about it.

   • It’s important not to respond to gentle criticism in a defensive way.

2. Matter-of-fact

   • Gets straight to the point; no preamble.

   • Usually the easiest to understand what they want you to do differently.

3. Harsh

   • Blunt, can contain sweeping generalizations sometimes.

   • Difficult to differentiate from the haters sometimes (knowing the source can help).

   • Sometimes difficult to get to the heart of the matter because it feels so hurtful.

4. Dehumanizing

   • Important to identify because it’s normally not helpful to engage with.

   • Typically defined by attacks on you for who you are, not just what you do or say.

   • Revisit episode 175 - Adventures in Online Arguments.

In order to respond to criticism effectively, each source has different approaches, but they all have this in common: Don’t respond right away.

How to respond

Assume that the person giving you criticism has positive intent towards you. This doesn’t mean that you have to let them take advantage of you or believe what they’re saying, but if your own actions are based off of the idea of positive intent, there’s no downside to reacting this way. Maybe they:

1. Meant to be helpful and just communicated badly.

2. Were hurt (not specifically even by you) and lashed out.

If they meant for it to be hurtful in that moment, either they may be an internet troll or they want a reaction, and if you don’t give them that, who wins? You do!

The best way to respond to criticism is to act as though you’re speaking to your personal assistant who isn’t emotionally involved:

1. Thank the critic.

2. Assume positive intent, or at least act like you did.

3. You don’t need to explain yourself. It’s usually better if you don’t, in fact.

If they were just being rude, you can know that and not feel the need to apologize for them. Instead, you can take what they said and examine it, deciding if there’s anything of value in it. You don’t need to agree with everything they said, either; it’s also possible that maybe they just needed to be heard.