In this episode we are combining insights from conflict resolution researcher Dr. Karina Schumann with frameworks from Psychology Today and Dr. Gary Chapman to bring formulate an overview of the essentials to apologies. How to give them AND how to receive them.

Receiving an apology

Generally, there are more tips and tricks for giving and formulating apologies than receiving them. But receiving apologies is still a useful skill that not everyone is good at.

To receive an apology well, remember these things:

• Appreciate the fact that they did it at all. Apologizing can be difficult and embarrassing, and it’s worth appreciating if they take the effort to do it.

• If you feel the urge to take advantage of their moment of weakness, call a HALT and ask for some time to process first. You may still be activated, or there may be something missing from their apology that makes you feel like this.

• You don’t always have to forgive if something really egregious happened. Remember that sometimes not accepting the apology is a valid choice. Additionally, you may accept the apology but choose not to restore the relationship.

• Establishing boundaries doesn’t have to mean a falling out; you can be civil to someone while still keeping distance.

• Beware of repeat offenders. Not everyone will change, and it’s up to you to protect yourself.

Giving an apology

Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the Five Love Languages, also has five apology languages:

1. Expressing Regret

2. Accept Responsibility

3. Making Restitution

4. Genuinely Repenting

5. Requesting Forgiveness

Additionally, Psychology Today uses the 3 R’s for forming an apology:

• Regret: A statement of regret for having caused hurt.

• Responsibility: An acceptance of responsibility for your actions.

• Remedy: A statement of willingness to remedy the situation.

When giving an apology, it’s important to admit your fault by name, and not follow up with a justification. Understand that your apology might not be accepted, and that you can’t control where they are in the process. If your real motivation is self-improvement, accepting rejection is easier than if your only motivation is their approval.

Lastly, don’t keep going over the same apology again and again. Don’t use your apology to put the burden of guilt on the other person.