Shame in polyamory

In an ethical non-monogamous relationships or other nontraditional unions, shame can play out in a few different ways:

• External shame from our culture from not having a hetero-, cis-, mono-normative relationship.

• Specific shameful archetypes in our culture, such as the philanderer, the cuckold, the housewife stuck at home, the other woman, etc.

• Dealing with shame directly stemming from parental relationships, family, coworkers, friends, partners, strangers on the internet, etc.

• Differences between ourselves and our partner:

  • Different approaches to dating.

  • Different approaches to sex.

  • Differences in respective dating.

• Shameful narratives tied to roles and goals:

  • Failing, i.e. “I’m failing at monogamy”/”I’m failing at non-monogamy"/”I’m not being a perfect poly person.”

  • “I’m not queer/genderqueer enough.”

  • “I’m not kinky enough/too kinky.”

  • “I can’t get an erection so I’m failing my partners.”

Healthy and unhealthy shame

Obliterating shame completely should never be the goal; it’s too unrealistic for something that’s evolutionarily engrained. Instead, we should aim for healthy shame, which can manifest as:

• Self-compassion.

• The ability to be vulnerable.

• Recognition of our own limitations.

• Making amends or repairing.

• Seeing the big picture.

• Taking ownership and responsibility.

Countershaming

Recognizing shame and your own shame response can be critical to releasing its hold on you.

1. Figure out which shame responses are common for you (attack self, attack other, withdrawal, denial/numbing).

2. Deploy countershaming phrases:

   • “I did the best I could at the time, knowing what I did then.”

   • “It’s not my fault that this happened to me.”

   • “It’s totally natural and understandable to feel this way.”

   • “I learned an important lesson from that.”

   • “I’m doing the best I can to live my ethic/truth/etc.”

   • “I’m not alone in this struggle.”

3. It can also be helpful to think of phrases you might use when talking to a child or friend about the same situation in order to countershame them.

4. Apply some self-compassion (re-listen to episode 274).

5. Take stock of all the things you’re willing to make right.

6. Try giving the shame back: ask yourself where the shame came from, and visualize handing or sending it back there.