283 - Language in Relationships
Labels and language
Language is more powerful and nuanced than many of us realize. From choosing labels to choosing not to use any labels and more, language has the unique ability to connect people in different ways, as well as the ability to drive them apart.
Labels can be important to some people, but to others they may be less important or they may not want to use them for a variety or reasons. Typically, in relationships, we see labeling for:
Sexual orientation and gender.
Hierarchy.
Relationship labeling.
Type of relationship.
It’s vital to ask both yourself and your partners what each label means and determine if you’re comfortable using them to refer to yourselves.
Primacy
The Primacy Effect, or a psychological term referring to someone’s ability to recall initial information instead of information that’s later learned, is important to take into consideration as well. It’s a cognitive bias where you’re much more likely to remember the beginning of a list of information rather than the middle or the end. As such, first impressions are extremely important, since the first impression is most likely to pave the way you see the person for the duration of your relationship with them. Overcoming negative primacy is possible of course, but it takes a long time and explains why things like racial or general stereotypes are so powerful, since they’re ingrained in us from an early age.
Primacy has instilled bias/prejudice in our society through things like the media and news outlets, police interrogation, politicians, and more.
Making and breaking with words
Subconsciously, words affect the way you view your partner and your relationships, and some words will carry more of an emotional impact for different people. Establishing which words, subjects, or phrases might be triggering or off limits to bring up with a partner can be a good way to avoid breaking a relationship with them.
Get to know family history, challenging past moments, and tense points that are recurring for you and your partner. Learn social history too to avoid microaggressions based on gender, race, etc.
Don’t weaponize your partner’s triggers. Never use it against them.
Don’t use words like “always” or “never,” which are rarely factual and usually are met with push back.
Lift up your partner, both privately and publicly, and be respectful of them around others.
Focus on giving your partner compliments instead of criticism. If you must criticize, do it respectfully and gently.
Learn the best way to soothe your partner when they’re hurting or triggered, and don’t blame them for what they’re feeling.
Remove toxic words and phrases from your vocabulary, especially when fighting with your partner.
Reclamation and intention
There will be times in your life when someone asks you to change the language you use to describe something. The best ways to implement this are:
Don’t react right away; some requests will be easier for you than others, and taking some time to process might help you accept that.
Believe and accept that the language you were using hurt someone, and changing it will improve your relationship with them.
Research better alternatives. There are tons of resources on the internet; for example, this is a great comprehensive list of ableist words and some alternatives to use instead.
Practice and pass on to others.
As for reclamation, some words are being used by those for whom the pejorative term was initially intended, and they’re reclaiming them as a way to empower themselves. Many of these words are still only acceptable when used by the group of people who reclaimed it and are still derogatory when used by others. Understanding the historical context of the word is critical. According to linguist Robin Brontsema, reclaiming words can:
Change the meaning of the word from negative to positive,
Neutralize the word by denying it to those who want to use it to oppress or cause harm, and
Stigma exploitation where the word is used to remind us that a group was/is subjected to unjust treatment.
As a last note: we want to reinforce the point that criticism which comes across as an attack is far less likely to actually change someone’s mind. Additionally, doing something like changing speech habits and words would be more encouraging if it came from a place of self-improvement rather than a place of simply trying not to make a mistake.
Image credit: https://www.woodenearth.com/blogs/wooden-blog