But…what is it?

“Getting closure” is a phrase that’s tossed around a lot, especially after a breakup or when someone passes away (or some other way of coping with loss), but a lot of the time we don’t even really know what it means to get closure for something.

Typically, when speaking about closure, one way we talk about it is from the aspect of acceptance, and getting to a point where we can return to a mostly normal life. The other way we approach it deals with understanding something, such as why something happened or is happening. When we conflate or confuse these two ways, however, we can do more harm than good. Therefore, it’s important to know the different approaches and reasoning behind them in order to make sure we’re caring for ourselves properly.

Closure from understanding

The human desire we have to get answers and understand things has been contested by psychologists and philosophers for a very long time.

“[Closure is] individuals’ desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity.”

-Arie Kruglanski

Psychologists Arie Kruglanski, Donna Webster, and Adena Klem created the Need For Closure Scale (NFCS) in 1993, which standardized a way to measure closure and consisted of 42 different items. In 2007, a shorter, more concise version was developed that only had 15 questions but was still very close to the original.

Their research also found that a need for closure is universal, but having TOO intense a need for it can make bias show up in your search for answers, such as:

• Selecting evidence that only supports the first answer you find.

• Being stuck in one way of thinking despite the emersion of new information.

• Not checking a source’s reliability.

Alternatively, too low of a need for closure can manifest as an avoidance to clarity and certainty.

Our need for closure can be increased by certain factors as well, such as:

• An in-flux environment.

• Too much fatigue.

• More stress.

• A noisier environment.

• The amount (usually more) of information coming at us at once.

• Feeling like we need to give an opinion.

Pursuing closure

The pursuit of closure has two stages:

1. Finding: This stage is about getting an answer quickly, which can have the unfortunate side effect of jumping to conclusions without first verifying information.

2. Keeping: This one is about holding on to our closure by resisting information that contradicts it and favoring information that confirms it.

A balance between too strong a need and too weak a need can help bring us back to the middle, as long as we put in the work:

• Move the focus from finding any conclusions to finding the MOST CORRECT conclusion.

• Try to view conclusions as “trying them on” rather than tattooing them into your brain. Changing them is okay. Be wary of committing publicly to your conclusion until you’ve considered other possibilities.

• Meditation is also helpful: find calm and restfulness in not knowing.

• Recognize that it might not be concrete answers that help you the most (you might need acceptance too!).

Closure from acceptance

Even though closure is very sought-after in our culture after a breakup or death, many psychologists believe that it may hurt our grieving process more than help it. Grief doesn’t just end, the way closure implies, it’s a long and continuous process, and not allowing ourselves to feel it may be harmful.

If you’re grieving, the first step of dealing with it is to recognize that it’s normal and healthy and okay to feel. Grief can affect your life in many different ways:

• Difficulty concentrating.

• Apathy.

• Anger.

• Guilt.

• Sleep disturbances.

• Loss of appetite.

• Withdrawal from others.

• Irritability.

• Intense sadness or crying when a memory is triggered.

• Numbness.

• Loneliness.

• Loss of life’s meaning.

Contrary to popular belief, just giving grief time isn’t the proper way to deal with it. You have to:

1. Accept the finality of the loss.

2. Acknowledge and express the full range of feelings you experienced as a result of the loss.

3. Adjust to a life in which the lost person, object, or experience is absent.

4. Say goodbye and ritualize your movement to a new peace with the loss.

The grieving process may take different lengths of time for different people, but it’s important to be patient with yourself throughout:

• Take your time and don’t give yourself a deadline.

• Expect and accept a decrease in productivity.

• Accept and seek out support.

• Be diligent about regular eating, sleeping, and exercising.

• Make sure you tell those around you what does and doesn’t help.

• Practice self care.

• Do something to help someone else.

Remember: while both aspects of closure are important, it’s even more important to be able to distinguish them and develop the self-awareness necessary to make the process less destructive and more helpful to our overall health.