Get back on track

Our previous episode about the repair SHOP involved dealing with fallout after a fight, but this one covers how to handle situations when you’re fighting with a partner and the fight starts to go off the rails. Learning how to keep fights on track is vital to preventing conversations leading into destructive and hurtful behaviors that may harm the relationship without solving the problem.

Some of the possible cues that your argument or fight might be spiraling are:

• Switch tracking, or changing the subject/when one person’s reaction to the other’s feedback ends up changing the subject.

• Interrupting, both mutual or unilateral.

• Emotional escalation, or something striking a nerve, becoming suddenly overwhelmed with sadness/anger.

• Body/nervous system activation, usually a heart rate over 100 BPM or certain physical manifestations of PTSD.

• Four horsemen, otherwise known as toxic criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness/blame.

• Unceasing negativity about oneself, partner, relationship, situation, etc.

• Cyclical pursuit and withdrawal behaviors.

Attempting repairs

Any statement or action that prevents negativity or loss of control, helps you and your partner stay on track and provide more helpful feedback to one another, steers things away from destructiveness and towards constructiveness, etc., is a good attempt at making repairs during an argument or fight. Studies have shown that the happiest couples had a lower threshold of negativity, and the first three minutes of a fight or argument set the tone for the whole conflict.

In real life, repair attempts might look something like this:

• Disclosing feelings: Getting vulnerable and opening up, which is also a key component of nonviolent communication (NVC).

• Getting meta: Assessing the conflict as fairly as possible, being aware when you’re getting off topic, and gaining perspective.

• Slowing down: De-escalating, pumping the breaks, or giving a warning.

• Stopping: HHALTDSing, taking a pause, or pulling the ripcord to stop things from getting out of hand.

• Finding agreement: Moving towards compromise, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and accepting influence.

• Appreciation and affection: Encouraging your partner, offering affection/love languages, building up the relationship.

• Kind humor: Use jokes or silliness at an appropriate time, not with any malicious intent.

• I’m sorry: Taking ownership and responsibility, apologizing, and making amends.

Make sure that you actually accept the repair attempt; it takes two to resolve any issues, and if only one is attempting the repair then it’s basically useless. It’s easy to want to resist a partner’s attempt at repairing, but it’s vital to start developing the skill of recognizing your partner’s repair attempts. Then you can be more open to receiving them and shifting the direction of a fight.

Remember: accepting a repair doesn’t mean the fight is over, or that it’s resolved, or that you’re not going to get to be heard. It’s the first step in all of these.