Are you listening?

Most of us have probably had friends or partners or family members who have mentioned that they felt as though we weren’t listening to them at certain points. It’s common, among those you’re close to, to stop actively listening and dwell a little too much on what we’re going to say next instead of focusing on what the other person is talking about. This episode, we’re talking about why we have trouble listening sometimes, as well as some ways to enhance listening skills so we can have a better conversational experience.

What makes it difficult to listen?

A few reasons we have trouble listening are:

1. Noise. Any physical distraction going on around you will hinder your ability to listen effectively.

2. Psychological noise also can be a problem. Personal problems may interfere with your focus when talking with someone. Additionally, if you’re extremely attracted to someone OR if you greatly despise someone, you also may have trouble listening to them.

3. Physiological noise, where you may need to HALT, may also come into play. You’re less able to listen if you’re tired, hungry, etc.

4. Limited attention span. We all have a limited attention span as humans and after a certain amount of time we won’t be as good at listening as we were at the beginning.

From a more internal standpoint, some reasons we stop listening are also:

1. We heard a problem, and instead of continuing to listen we want to fix the other person’s pain.

2. We talk more than we stop to listen in order to gain validation.

3. We want to be seen as quick and witty and have the perfect retort.

4. Personal bias can get it the way of actually hearing what the other person is saying.

Instead of listening, we are often:

• Planning what we’re going to say next. Often we’re afraid of possible ensuing silence so we plan what to say instead of hearing the other person speak.

• Analyzing what the person said previously to form our own opinions.

• Trying to figure out how to fix the problem we’re being confronted with.

• Letting our egos get in the way of listening and trying to figure out how to sound wittier than the person who’s talking.

• Being dismissive of the other person and actively choosing not to be fully engaged in the conversation.

• Multitasking, which has been proven to be almost impossible to do well.

Learning to listen effectively is important! People tend to like someone more if they sit and listen to them as opposed to endlessly chattering, and when you’re focusing on someone fully and listening to them, it shows that you’re actually hearing them. Instead of trying to fix their problems, when you’re listening to your partner you’re connecting with them and making them feel cared about.

How to listen better

1. Use the Triforce of Communication to let your partner know (or have them let you know) that just listening is needed.

2. Set aside some time in your day (about half an hour or so) where you take turns talking about your day and the other person doesn’t interrupt, just sits and listens.

3. Get rid of distractions and go to a quiet room, put phones away, etc.

4. Don’t listen to a conversation with the mindset that it’s a debate. You shouldn’t be trying to “win” anything or prove that they’re wrong about something.

5. Employ active listening skills instead of passive ones.

Use some of these tips over the next week with a friend or partner. At the end of the sessions, write down some of the information your partner shared with you to see how well you listened.