Check-ins are vital

Holding a regularly scheduled relationship check-in with your partner(s) is almost always a good idea, so for this episode, we’re answering some questions about how to facilitate healthy relationship check-ins, especially with our RADAR formula. There are several different relationship check-in formats, so while RADAR might be our favorite, one of the others may work better for you! Most of our tips today are applicable to any type of relationship discussion.

When is the right time to introduce a RADAR to a new relationship?

• Setting up the habit of regular check-in conversations is an excellent idea, since there is already a multitude of advice about implementing them in established relationships.

• As long as it feels as though this relationship would benefit from such conversations, you can introduce them whenever you want.

• Depending on where you are in the relationship and the type of relationship, you may want to start small and scale it with a shorter agenda and topics that are relevant to your connection.

How do I pitch a RADAR to my partner?

• Spend some time thinking about your own purpose and goals in this.

• Many approaches depend on your situation:

  • Avoid criticism.

  • Don’t make the pitch during conflict.

  • Be honest about what you’re needing out of this.

  • Lean into the potential benefits and positive outcomes.

• See if you can agree upon a version of the check-in that you’re willing to experiment with for a set amount of time.

• Microhabiting is very useful for this (i.e. building up the habit before focusing on the quality of the conversations).

Anxiety about having a check-in

• Remember that “serious” does not always equal “something is wrong.”

• Normalizing these talks and helping them feel a little bit safer can help.

• Get you and your partner comfortable beforehand, however that looks for you.

• If you deal with anxiety on a regular basis, lean into the coping mechanisms that work for you.

• Consider talking to a trusted friend or professional if you do not experience anxiety normally and the topic of conversation check-ins causes a spike in distress.

Time management during RADAR

• Set a timer for each topic.

• Take notes ahead of time on the most important things to you.

• Consider experimenting with different times and/or locations, or different intervals between discussions.

• Shorten the agenda or pick a limited number of important topics.

• Find a way to attach a reward to it.

When a RADAR becomes a fight

• Practice HALT-ing or tabling certain topics.

• Setting aside dedicated time for particular topics.

• Practice NVC, softened start up, and taking turns speaking, listening, and reflecting back on each other.

• Get help from a therapist or counselor.

• Experimenting with the order of the agenda.

• Sometimes fights are inevitable, and working towards improving conflict is always positive.

Implementing action points

• Let’s talk about documentation:

  • Should you do it? Do we do it?

  • Write down action points in an easily accessible place.

  • Action points that keep getting deterred are an opportunity for discussion.

What if I’m the only one scheduling them?

• RADAR daddying.

• It may take a few repetitions of RADAR daddying if you were the one who was gung-ho about them in the first place before the other person starts scheduling.

• We recommend taking turns.

The appreciation round feels forced or fake

• Sometimes we struggle with verbalizing our appreciation.

• Taking some time before this round can be helpful or useful for some.

• Some people prefer writing down appreciative things about their partner.

• Physical reconnection or quality time is okay too if you and your partner don’t resonate with verbal appreciation.

• On another hand, you could try accepting the challenge!