Identity and individuality

For a lot of us, especially in the United States, a lot of our identity is determined by what we do and what our jobs are, and it’s possible that sometimes our identities get a bit lost when we’re dating others or even that our identities hinge on the failure or success of a relationship.

Erik Erikson, an ego psychologist with a number of theories on identity development, created the Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development, and defined identity as:

“A fundamental organizing principle which develops constantly throughout the lifespan.”

Erik Erikson, ego psychologist

Erikson posited that one’s identity is made up of a multitude of things, most of which occur when that person is moving from adolescence to adulthood (stage 5 of his scale of psychosocial development). These aspects of one’s identity include:

• Relationship to others.

• Many experiences.

• Beliefs.

• Values.

• Memories.

In regards to our relationships, Erikson theorized that inadequate development of sense of self in stage 5 could affect the relationships one forms in the next stage, which is Intimacy & Isolation. This stage is meant for one to successfully cultivate meaningful relationships with others. If unsuccessful, weaker relationships are formed and the individual feels isolated and alone.

Identity and relationships

Our relationships with others always impact our identities and our sense of self. There are several studies and papers that have been conducted regarding this topic, and some of the findings have suggested:

There are two ways relationships change our sense of self:

1. Your concept can expand so that you develop new personal traits or make the traits that you already have more noticeable. On the other hand, it can also shrink your sense of self. It may also even suppress some traits that your partner might not like about you.

2. Your perception of positive or negative changes can change. Even if a negative event in a relationship occurs, it can still bring about a positive self change or vice versa.

Additionally, there are four types of self-concept changes that can happen when our lives become more entwined with someone’s:

1. Self-expansion: New and positive information is added to our concept of self. This might happen when we begin incorporating aspects of our partner’s personalities into our own through novel experiences and exciting activities. 

2. Self-contraction: Our positive self-concept starts to get lost. Perhaps a partner does not share an interest with us so that interest starts to fade over time and eventually is gone altogether. 

3. Self-pruning: Loss or suppression of the negative traits of our self-concept. This actually improves our own concept of self because we are reducing the traits we see as negative. For example, our partners may help us eat more healthily, engage in fun and new activities or help us shed an unhealthy habit. 

4. Self-adulteration: Adding negative traits to our self-concept. This can happen due to criticism coming from a partner, feelings of resentment or anger over a long period of time, etc.