Transactional romance

“A transactional romantic relationship is when someone keeps tabs of what they give and receive from their spouse. It is a behavior, meaning it’s deeply rooted in a person’s subconscious and personality. It is not entirely negative, which is why it escapes the notice of holier-than-thou new-age psychiatrists.”

-Sylvia Smith

Why a transactional relationship?

Transactional relationships are built on the expectation of reciprocation, which, logically, means that people enter into relationships like this in order to gain something in exchange for a service. Many transactional relationships are non-romantic (interactions with store clerks, etc.), but especially in romantic ones those involved have to be cognizant of power dynamics and how they can become involved in transactional relationships. As far as research goes, it’s unclear if anyone is particularly predisposed to engage in a transactional romantic relationship, but we all engage in transactional relationships to some degree in our lives.

Making a relationship less transactional

Some actionable tools to help you decrease the sense of transaction in a relationship are:

1. Have only one expectation when entering a relationships: be present, give when you can, and receive with appreciation if you are given.

2. Be real, be yourself, and be present.

3. Acknowledge how capitalism, white supremacy, the patriarchy, etc. have impacted your views and how these systems commodify everything, which could contribute to unhealthy transactional relationships.

4. Mutual aid and community care can be options for framework to use in looking at building transformational or relational relationships and shifting away from transactional relationships.

5. Remember that if you want, it’s okay to have transactional elements to your relationship if that is something everyone involved has agreed upon.