341 - Cheating in Non-monogamous Relationships
The many definitions
“Cheating” has a broad scope of definitions and is difficult to define. Here are some of the definitions across the board:
“[T]he breaking of a promise to remain faithful to a romantic partner, whether that promise was a part of marriage vows, a privately uttered agreement between lovers, or an unspoken assumption.”
Psychology Today
“[Cheating occurs when] two people have agreed to be sexually exclusive and one or more of them has clandestine sex outside the relationship while pretending to be monogamous and lying to their partner with active manipulation and/or omission of information.”
Dr Elisabeth Sheff
Why people cheat
Findings from “Betrayals in Emerging Adulthood: A Developmental Perspective of Infidelity” by Jerika Norona, et al (Journal of Sex Research, 2018) state that those researched in the study cheated primarily due to unfulfilled interdependent needs, such as intimacy, affiliation, and sexual reciprocity.
Some other possible reasons someone might cheat:
Thrill of secrecy or forbidden nature.
Wanting newness or re-ignition of excitement or pleasure.
Searching for something one is not getting out of current relationship(s).
Cheating in polyamory
“Psychologist and sex and intimacy coach Dr Lori Beth Bisbey says that in non-monogamous relationships, cheating is less about the activity, and more about violating the trust you’ve built up in your relationship. ‘In non-monogamy, you set down how you're going to manage relationships and what the boundaries are,’ she said. ‘So when you break that, you spit in the face of the work that you've done in the relationship. It’s not about sex, it’s not about jealousy—although contrary to popular opinion, that is also something poly people struggle with—it’s about the lie.’”
What Cheating Looks Like in a Polyamorous Relationship (Vice, 2019)
Some of our Patrons in our Facebook group added that cheating could look like:
Breaking agreements.
Sustained deception, or “lying with intent.”
Violation of informed consent.
There was some discussion as well about the concept of cheating being outdated and useless, such as the concept of virginity, and is rooted in insecurity and a desire for control.
Our Patron and former guest Phoebe Phillips discusses on her blog, Polyammering, how cheating is a phenomenon that occurs outside of relationships as well (games, etc).
Martha Kauppi, our guest last week, discusses trust and infidelity in her book as well, Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients).
Actionable takeaways from this episode
Phoebe Phillips lists some questions you can ask yourself if you’re trying to determine if you’re cheating:
Am I within the bounds of our established agreements with this action?
If I’m not sure or if I’m using a loophole to rationalize my actions, am I willing to discuss it with my partner in advance to ensure they are aware of my intentions?
Am I allowing my partner to make a fully informed decision about whether or not to continue dating me?
If you answer ‘yes’ to all of these, you’re probably not cheating.
Additionally, Esther Perel, author of the book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, argues for a more compassionate approach to the inevitable phenomenon of infidelity. She suggests:
Accept that infidelity will probably happen.
Strip it of its moral power (i.e. don’t think your partner is a bad, morally irredeemable person for doing it).
Get curious around why they did so in the first place. Getting answers to those questions could infuse your relationship with some excitement.