What is forgiveness?

“Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. … Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.”

Carol Anderson, Reach Out Recovery

Forgiveness typically involves:

• Letting go of anger or resentment you’re holding on to.

• Some amount of empathy towards the person who hurt you.

• Not necessarily reconciling or going back to the same relationship as before.

Why forgive?

There have been studies that have shown potential health benefits linked to forgiveness, such as:

• Decreased anxiety.

• Less depression.

• Fewer physical health symptoms like high blood pressure, heart disease, and lower mortality rates.

• Higher self-esteem.

It all comes down to stress. There is nothing wrong with healthy anger or stress, but if both become very persistent and deeply rooted, they have negative effects.

Why is it so difficult to forgive?

• We are taught that justice or revenge are better than forgiveness.

• We think forgiveness means a lack of justice or consequences.

• We might think forgiveness is weakness.

• Our loved ones may hold onto anger for us and make it harder to forgive.

• People may pressure us into forgiving before we are ready.

Forgiveness is never required. It can have huge benefits for you, but being pressured into it often does more harm than good. It does not mean reconciliation; it is simply the release of anger or resentment.

Self-forgiveness

“Self-forgiveness is the psychological process whereby an offender, acknowledging responsibility for the transgression committed, decreases self-resentment and is more benevolent toward the self.”

Stillwell and Baumeister, 1997 study

Self-forgiveness can lead to the improvement of both relationship and partner satisfaction. Being more benevolent towards oneself after transgressing can promote a better relationship, and accepting responsibility for one’s wrongdoing has been shown to be a key element in distinguishing genuine self-forgiveness from pseudo self-forgiveness.