Abundance, scarcity, and dating

Feeling a sense of abundance, or a sense of scarcity, whether real or perceived, can affect how we approach relationships and dating.

According to the empirical book on the study of the feeling of scarcity, Scarcity: The New Science of Having Less and How It Defines Our Lives (2013), scarcity functions as a cycle. Some concepts to keep in mind relating to this are:

• Tunneling: A primary or over focus on the scarcity of a resource and the resulting neglect on everything else.

• Bandwidth: The amount of mental space needed to think and process problems and come up with solutions.

• Slack: the leftover resources (time, money, etc.) available to someone for expenses that may arise.

The authors concluded that both real and perceived scarcity have the power to actually limit our mental and emotional bandwidth, which makes it even harder to resolve the scarcity.

In terms of dating, some studies that have been conducted regarding abundance or scarcity of partners yielded these results:

• Both men and women preferred to travel farther for long-term relationships as opposed to short-term ones.

• Women were more likely to abstain from undesirable partners in short-term relationships.

• Men were more likely to lower their standards for short-term relationships.

• Those who felt they had difficulty in relationships and attachment anxiety were more willing to travel and lower their standards when faced with a short-term mate shortage. 

• Those who felt they were undesirable as mates and reported attachment anxiety indicated greater propensity to travel and lower their standards when faced with a long-term mate shortage. 

• Attachment avoidance was associated with abstaining when faced with a short-term mate shortage. 

• Those who felt they had high long-term mate value were:

  •  unlikely to abstain when facing a long-term mate shortage, 

  • more likely to travel when faced with a long-term mate shortage, and

  • were unlikely to lower their standards when faced with a short-term mate shortage.

Pros and cons of attuning

Since both abundance and/or scarcity can have real effects on how people behave and choices they make, we’re covering some pros and cons of attuning to abundance or scarcity, or noticing and focusing on feelings of abundance or scarcity.

Pros of abundance attuning:

1. Deprogramming toxic monogamy patterns and behaviors:

   • Reduced pressure on needing to find the perfect ONE right this instant.

   • Time-sensitive pressure to scoop up someone while you or they are “available.” 

   • Pressure to escalate a relationship quickly or immediately pursue an attraction.

2. Ability to have patience during dry spells or periods of loneliness.

3. Reframing feelings of jealousy or lack when it comes to a partner dating multiple partners (provided you are actually getting what you need). 

4. Positive psychology, such as inspiring feelings of gratitude, luck, joy, or safety when taking stock of what’s actually present in your life.

Cons of abundance attuning:

1. Denial of reality, particularly when it comes to finding partners and dating:

   • Our culture assigns more partner value and less partner value depending on race, class, ability, visibility of disability, aesthetics, and more. Living in this kind of paradigm, not everybody has the same exact access to potential partners. 

   • Potential denial of how you really aren’t getting your needs met in life or in relationships.

2. Manifestation:

   • Manifesting is based in the belief that if you just have enough positive thoughts, positive things will happen to you and your dreams will come true. Much of this line of thinking encourages people to connect to statements of abundance, like talking about money, relationships, or other resources they desire to have as if they already have them. 

   • Some studies have shown that manifesting can help you feel better in the moment, but may actually sap your energy to actually take any action, making you more complacent.

Pros of scarcity attuning:

1. Encouragement of a realistic understanding of one’s limits around time, money, energy, etc.

2. Assists with careful planning and management, as well as offer insight about effective boundaries around your resources.

3. May help you identify real areas of lack and help you ask for what you need or take action. 

4. Help with prioritizing choices:

   • Existential scarcity (realizing that life is too short to waste) can be very powerful and revolutionary.

Cons of scarcity attuning:

1. Relationship resources may never feel like enough:

   • Sometimes this can be a byproduct of toxic monogamy culture, such as the idea that if my partner isn’t spending 100% of their time and energy on me, it’s not enough or it doesn’t count. 

2. May prevent leaving a bad relationship because of assumptions that there may not be any other partners that would want you in the future.

3. Can encourage hoarding behavior or hyper-boundaried behavior.