Myths about being single

Researchers like Dr. Bella DePaulo, who is mentioned in this episode multiple times, study how marriage and privilege intersect and how single people can be discriminated against. DePaulo was the one to coin the term “singlism” as a term to describe the discrimination single people face.

It’s important to stress that being single does not mean being alone. In fact, there are multiple surveys showing that single people have more friends than married or previously married people, are more likely to support and visit their parents and siblings, and even more likely to support neighbors or other non-related people.

Singlism has been shown in studies to be particularly problematic as opposed to other issues (such as racism, sexism, ageism, etc.) because even when it is pointed out and clarified to people, they still do not feel as though it is a problem.

Different types of being single

Legally single

This simply means you are unmarried. Some disadvantages include:

• For some people, legal marriage is the only way to make the relationship “real.”

• You don’t get the potential for paying less in taxes through marriage benefits (while still having the option to file separately). This never applies to single people.

• You can’t share social security benefits.

• You often can’t get added to partner’s health insurance or other benefits.

• Can’t give each other large gifts tax-free.

• No access to survivor benefits (from military) and pension benefits from companies.

• Studies have shown that married men make more than unmarried men in the same positions.

• You will have a much harder time adopting.

• It can be harder to rent or buy property.

• Single people have NOT been shown to be any lonelier than married or coupled people BUT single people do have a higher risk of poverty and hunger, exacerbated by the pandemic, because of the financial penalties and lack of government support.

• Studies have shown that decisions about healthcare, organ transplants, and sexual assault favor married people over single ones.

Socially single

Socially single means you are in a relationship you do not deem serious for whatever reason. Some disadvantages include:

• Health insurance and benefits that allow for certain types of domestic partners have stipulations (eg. you have to live together and intertwine finances).

• Friends may ask when you’ll get serious.

• Employers/managers may assume you can work more than others because you don’t have anything else important going on.

• You aren’t entitled to the free “plus one” to events or you aren’t invited to couples events.

Personally single

This means you think of yourself as single, regardless of what others think or say. Usually if others think you’re partnered you will as well, but that’s not always the case. Some disadvantages include:

• Many consumer goods and services are priced to favor couples (vacations, club memberships, groceries, etc.).

• People expressing regret for your singleness.

• People feel sorry for the person they see as your partner if you identify as single.

• People assume you are sad.

• Assumptions that something is wrong with you.

• If you own pets you are a weirdo who is compensating.

• Assumptions that you’re a workaholic.

The benefits

Although it might seem as though being single is all doom and gloom, there are benefits! Some of them include:

• There is evidence that single people are more active and get more exercise than married or divorced people.

• Women who have always been single have better overall health than married women.

• Less likely than married people to have credit card debt (even without children), despite the cost of living being higher for single people and wages being lower on average.

• Single people have been shown to score higher on measures of personal growth and betterment.

• Being self-sufficient has been shown to decrease negative emotions in single people but actually increases them for married people.

How do we fight singlism?

Increasing awareness of singlism and fighting to reduce it is important if single people are going to have the same rights as married ones. Some ways we can do this are:

• Fostering friendships, whether you are married or not.

• Learning about relationship anarchy and re-evaluating the unconscious ways that we favor certain types of relationships over others because of their label rather than their actual value.

• Joining a community of single people! Bella DePaulo created a Facebook group specifically for singles to support each other and NOT look for dates. It’s called Community of Single People and is open to anyone who identifies as single and agrees to follow their community rules, including not seeking dates.

• Point out singlism when you see it.

• Support people who are actively working to affect legislation and otherwise promote equality for single people by fighting for more rights for them.

• Notice some of the hidden ways that your own singlism might show up and work to counteract that.

• Share this episode with people as well as blogs and other writings on the subject.

• There are legal ways around some of the issues previously discussed, like custom wills and trusts, beneficiaries, forming corporations, etc.