What’s a disability?

When we use the term “disability” throughout this episode we specifically are talking about “a person with an injury, illness or congenital condition that causes a loss or difference of physiological or psychological function who experiences the loss or limitation of opportunities to take part in society on an equal level with others due to social and environmental barriers.”

Another term used throughout this episode is ableism, defined by disability justice activist and attorney Talila Lewis as “a system that places values on people’s bodies and minds based on societally constructed ideas of normality, intelligence, excellence, desirability, and productivity. These constructed ideas are deeply rooted in anti-Blackness, eugenics, misogyny, colonialism, imperialism, and capitalism. This form of systemic oppression leads to people and society determining who is valuable and worthy based on a person’s language, appearance, religion, and or their ability to satisfactorily [re]produce, excel, and “behave”. You do not have to be disabled to experience ableism.”

Disability and polyamory

Even with efforts to be more inclusive in most recent years, people with disabilities often feel as though they are less welcome in the polyamorous community. Some reasons behind this seem to be:

• Lack of representation/discourse:

  • Very little visual representation of the disabled community exists.

  • Not all disabilities are visible, which makes it complicated.

• Inaccessibility to community spaces:

  • Polyam people with disabilities are often forced to choose between accessibility and community. 

  • Prioritizing accessibility in community spaces can look different, and the goal should always be to make sure that the people who want to be in the space are able to be there.

  • For in-person events, accessibility can look like wheelchair-accessible venues (including bathrooms), and appropriate lighting so folks who read lips or communicate with ASL can see.

  • For online events, it can look like seizure or photo-sensitive warnings on videos, ensuring videos have captions, writing image descriptions for pictures, and educating yourself on ableist slurs.

Challenges

First, some terms explained:

Interabled relationship 

• A relationship between a non-disabled person and a person with a disability. 

Intra-abled relationship 

• A relationship between people with the same ability status. This can be a relationship between two or more disabled people or two or more non-disabled people. 

Some of the main challenges reported in the disabled community when it comes to dating, especially in the context of polyamory, are:

• Finding partners.

  • “Finding partners who are willing to make the necessary adjustments to make a relationship accessible is a hurdle and opportunity that disabled people face.” (Here Are 7 Reasons Why Polyamory Is More Difficult When You’re Disabled) - Katie Tastrom.

  • Ableism makes it more difficult to find partners. People don’t always want to date people with disabilities or some people fetishize those with disabilities, which isn’t good either.

• Being in one or more relationships when you have very limited or fluctuating energy is hard.

• Sex: 

  • Attitudes about sex and disability.

  • Access needs.

• FOMO and jealousy.

• Trauma plays a big role in relationships, and the rates of trauma and abuse are much higher among people with disabilities.

Benefits

Some possible benefits of being polyamorous when you are disabled include:

• Flexibility to build relationships that work for you and your needs.

• A wider pool of support and there isn't an assumption about one person providing particular support.

• Things that are not possible for [Em] because of [their] disability, like having kids or being a primary caretaker, can be reimagined by queering the idea of family and getting to show up for the kids around [them].

• Ability to have close relationships with other people with physical disabilities and not stress about things you can’t do because of your disability.

• Usually a better understanding of power and privilege that people hold in polyamory, specifically Relationship Anarchy.

Being a better ally

For non-disabled people, being an ally can look like:

• Making your life together accessible.

• Doing your own research. 

• Challenging other people’s ableism.

• Not making assumptions about their independence—or that interdependence is a bad thing.

For disabled folks, it can look like:

• Advocating for your wants and needs. 

• Addressing your internalized ableism and realizing that you deserve happy, healthy, and supportive relationships.

Some action steps we can all take away from this episode are:

• Think/talk about the ways that disability and accessibility show up in your relationships: 

  • Does ableism show up in your relationships and if it does how do you want to address that? 

  • Are there areas where you want to do things differently or better? 

• Diversify your feed.

Find more about Em on Instagram at @QueeringPolyamory, or check out Ryan Manson, Andrew Gurza, and Nina_Tame as some good people to follow to stay informed.