What is desirability politics?

The term ‘desirability politics’ is a framework for understanding why we find certain traits sexually and/or romantically desirable, and challenges us to consider how larger social forces shape our world view and what we desire.

“...[Desirability politics is t]he methodology through which the sovereignty of those deemed (conventionally) attractive/beautiful/arousing is determined. Put another way, the politics of desire labels that which determine who gains and holds both social and structural power through the affairs of sensuality often predicated on anti-Blackness, anti-fatness, (trans)misogyny, cissexism, queer-antagonism, and all other structural violence.”

Da’Shaun Harrison

When talking about desirability politics, it’s important to:

• Position yourself explicitly when talking about desirability politics:

  • What kinds of identities do you occupy? How do they inform what you experience and what you don’t experience? 

  • Your experience of desirability politics can shift depending on what room you’re in.

• Center the experiences/analyses of those who have experienced the negative sides of desirability politics:

  • Those who are fat, trans, disabled, darker complexioned, etc. offer really astute analyses of what these social forces do to their bodies, which is why we should listen to their observations.

Desirability politics in polyamory

In polyamory, desirability politics may show up like the following:

• Being in a situation where your partner gets a lot of attention from others and you don’t, or vice versa.

  • This could happen in monogamous relationships as well, but having other partners is a more pressing reality in polyamory, so that attention takes on a different meaning. 

• Having conversations around desirability: what you personally find desirable, what your partner finds desirable, and then how that translates into partner selection/metamours.

  • These conversations can prompt managing doubts and insecurities, especially if you tend to compare yourself to the people that your partner is dating. 

When navigating these politics across relationships, remember that there are major limitations to the “your insecurities are your own to manage” framework. This framework does real violence to the partners that have less beauty capital, especially when they are seeking support from partners in challenging moments.

Having more productive conversations about preferences might look like:

• Asking ourselves some questions:

  • Why do I desire/like what I desire/like?

  • Who am I not seeing as Beautiful, as "desirable" and why is that the case?  

  • Do my preferences exclude entire groups of people? If so, what kinds of assumptions or beliefs do I have about them? Are they based in reality?

• When supporting partners, keeping in mind that ”jealousy” and “insecurity” can actually flatten the magnitude of what your partner is experiencing.

• Reclaiming desire for one’s self:

  • Check out “How I Reclaimed Desirability as a Black Woman After a Break Up” by Sarah Githugu.

Listen to the full episode to get all of Keyanah’s insight on the topic of desirability politics!