Examples of unhealthy relationship patterns

Some of the unhealthy relationship patterns that are discussed during this episode include:

• Feeling a lack of safety in the relationship (emotionally or physically). 

• Unhealthy communication patterns. 

• Neglect or over-dependency. 

• Feeling a loss of sense of self.

• Unwillingness to make compromises. 

• Walking on eggshells or feeling drained about the relationship.

• Four horsemen of the apocalypse behavior (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt) becoming the norm.

• Lack of empathy or not feeling like you and your partner are on the same team.

• Lack of validation. 

• Emotional distance from your partner.

• Feeling controlled or manipulated (or being the one doing the controlling or manipulating). 

• Unhealthy hierarchy and power dynamics.

Having a “type”

Many studies have confirmed the idea that we often have a certain type of person we like to date. This differs from what we discussed during episode 366 about preferences and desirability politics; in this case, “type” is referring to having certain personality traits, not physical characteristics.

The “why” behind repeating unhealthy patterns

There are a few different reasons we might repeat unhealthy relationship patterns, despite knowing they’re unhealthy. Some possibilities include:

• Repetition compulsion:

  • We repeat what's familiar.

  • We repeat what we learned as children. 

  • We repeat what was traumatizing in an unconscious effort to gain mastery over it. 

  • We think we deserve to suffer.

  • Change, even when healthy, feels foreign and scary.

• From Psychcentral.com: “If you were abused or neglected as a child, the neural pathways for those relationship patterns were strengthened and your brain becomes accustomed to them. So, you're likely to seek out relationships with a similar pattern without even realizing it.”

• Trauma and intimate partner violence tend to be indicators that someone might enter into another traumatic or violent relationship.

Connections with attachment theory

These characteristics seem to have a lot of ties to attachment theory. For example:

• Avoidant attachment: Your parents weren’t really around and therefore in every adult romantic relationship you may feel as though you can only truly rely on yourself. An unhealthy relationship pattern might be a tendency to distance yourself from your partners and choose to never fully connect or engage with them in a meaningful way. 

• Anxious attachment: A member of your family of origin may have abandoned you in early life. As a result, you might seek reassurance from your partner in an obsessive manner, or exhibit other types of insecure behavior. Your link to your partner may directly tie in with your own feelings of self worth. 

• Secure attachment: Generally you can retain feelings of autonomy from your partner, while also having their back and knowing that they have yours. Your relationships have a sense of overall security and those feelings are carried from one partner to the next. 

• Fearful (disorganized) attachment: Might bounce between needing an immense amount of reassurance and intimacy from a partner to pushing a partner away. This is a less common form of attachment and can be generally disorienting to a partner on the receiving end.

Attachment theory can be another way to bring us more awareness of our relationship patterns, as well as opportunities to work through them if they are not serving us well.

Part 2 of this series will be discussing specific types of unhealthy relationship patterns, how repeating unhealthy relationship patterns can be especially challenging in non-monogamous relationships, and as always, some actionable takeaways for you to work towards changing those toxic behaviors.