Continuing our discussion…

Last week we covered repetition compulsion, some examples of unhealthy relationship patterns, some science on whether or not we have a “type,” how trauma and intimate partner violence tend to be indicators that someone might enter another traumatic relationship, and how attachment theory can help us assess our own habits.

The five relationship patterns

These relationship patterns from the Science of People are an interesting take on our patterns in relationships and where those patterns possibly come from:

1. The Caregiver:

   • You are a person who chooses to partner or become friends with people who you want to take care of, fix, or improve. 

   • Your partner might want to actually change, or they may have no intention or interest in changing. Regardless, you default into this caregiver role. 

   • This might become emotionally exhausting and default to a fairly one-sided relationship where you take on the role of constantly building your partner or friend up or being one of their main sources of emotional support if something goes wrong. 

   • Both the person who is caregiving or their partner may feel a lot of resentment over time (for their partner trying to change them, or for feeling like the relationship is one-sided).

2. The Alpha:

   • You default to wanting to be the one in charge in the relationship (whether with friends or with a romantic partner). 

   • You are the chief decision maker and tend to drive the habits of the relationship and how it tends to function in everyday life. 

   • Big changes to the relationship or monumental moments (like saying I love you or choosing to move in together) are driven by you. 

   • You may try to dominate conversations and dictate how your partners live and act. 

   • These controlling habits can wreak havoc on a relationship in a variety of ways. A partner might ultimately realize they want a more egalitarian relationship.

3. The Parent:

   • You might get into relationships where you default to being the “parent” and seeing your partner as the “child.” 

   • You may take on the planning parts of the relationship, make sure that your partner is taken care of at all times, or resort to nagging or chastising if something isn’t done in the way you want. 

   • You may pride yourself on being a “role model” for your friends and colleagues, but this can backfire if it isn’t something they want or need. 

   • The parent role tends to not feel very sexy to a partner and can cause strain in the relationship. This is a classic scenario that plays out in a lot of media and on sitcoms.

4. The Codependent:

   • This role might result in you and your partner giving up a lot of your personal autonomy and choosing to heavily entwine the relationship with your own identity. 

   • You may be excellent support systems for one another, but it may also result in isolation and cause you to pull away from your friends or from other activities that are important to you. 

   • You may become completely reliant on one another for emotional, psychological and social support. 

   • This dynamic can be difficult for the other people in your life and ultimately isn’t really healthy for you and your partner. Either of you might feel intense jealousy if other people or activities start becoming important in your life as well.

5. The Push-pull:

   • This type of relationship might be extremely volatile with a lot of ups and downs. The partners might break up and get back together many times throughout the course of the relationship.

   • This also might be similar to pursuit and withdrawal patterns in relationships. 

   • One person might generally be the one who is pursuing, while the other is the one being pursued, or each of you might switch back and forth. 

   • If the relationship does end, there is always a possibility that it might start back up again. Each person may find it difficult to let go of the relationship fully.

Considering non-monogamy

For those of us in non-monogamous relationships, some potential considerations to take into account are:

• Finding it hard to watch our partners date people who aren’t good for them.

• Either deciding that you really value your partner’s opinion and want to know if they think they see unhealthy patterns happening in your other relationships, or alternatively deciding that the relationship should remain completely separate from the others and take actions to aid in that separation.

• Recognizing that any conflict in any relationship can affect other relationships, and this may be very difficult for your other partners and take steps to ensure quality time that isn’t spent venting about your other relationships.

• If you notice yourself having the same issue come up in multiple relationships, considering if the issue is related to your own internal pattern.

• Polyamory gives you additional opportunities to build and practice new relationship patterns and gives you the option to connect with and build relationships with people who are not your normal “type,” which potentially gives you the opportunity to gain new perspectives.

Tools for takeaway

A few ways to start assessing and getting out of bad habits:

• Think about the following and write down answers in your journal: Imagine your ideal relationship. What would that look like? How would you resolve disagreements? How would you be your best self in this relationship? 

• Also ask yourself: What will this relationship feel like? Focus less on what the person looks like or what they do for a living. Focus instead on the feeling.

• Write a list with a column for each parent (or the parent who you feel affected you most) and your partner. What traits and behaviors does your partner share with your parents? You can repeat this exercise with past partners or additional partners in your life. What are the commonalities? These writing tools can help bring more awareness to your patterns, and allow you to look out for them in the future.

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) are effective modalities for reshaping thought patterns that lead to unhealthy behaviors.

• Self-regulation tools such as meditation, deep breathing, positive attitude, mindfulness practices, and yoga helps change the nervous systems’ impulses and quiets the brain. They also can aid you in self forgiveness and letting yourself off the hook a bit. 

• Exit a relationship if it is no longer serving you, or choose to take steps to change the relationship patterns which we are about to talk about now!

Some more tips on getting out of unhealthy habits and patterns can be found here.