What’s a good relationship?

When we talk about a good relationship versus a bad relationship in this context, we’re talking about relationships that exhibit these kinds of qualities and traits:

Good

• Communication.

• Honesty.

• Mutual trust, respect, and support.

• Equity and equality or conscious efforts toward equity and equality. 

• Shared decision-making. 

• Consent. 

• Shared values.

Bad

• Abuse.

• Incompatibility. 

• Extreme codependence. 

• High conflict/volatility.

• Dishonesty. 

• Inequality.

• Imbalanced decision-making.

• Pressure/coercion. 

• Neglect.

• Needs or wants not being met.

• Boundaries constantly pushed or ignored, or a context where it’s difficult to uphold your own boundaries.

How trauma looks

Some of the negative behaviors or emotions that one might feel or experience when going from a bad relationship to a good one include:

• General PTSD symptoms (flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, severe reactions, avoidance, depression, self-destructive behavior, etc.).

• Expecting the worst or running everything through a negative filter.

• Emotional/physical reactions that are out of proportion to what triggered them.

• Self-doubt and doubt of the other person.

• Intense pursuit or intense withdrawal. 

• Anxiety or obsessive thoughts, even paranoia. 

• Excessive apologies or excessive defensiveness. 

• Conflict avoidance. 

• Walking on eggshells.

• Wanting to avoid touch, eye contact, vulnerability, etc. 

• Overcompensating, or needing to prove that you are lovable and worthy.

• Pessimistic outlook on all relationships or intimate connections.

Regarding non-monogamy specifically:

• Strict adherence to a particular format of relationship (e.g. non-hierarchical, parallel, RA).

• Rigidity and being hyper-boundaried.

• Narrow set of speculations for potential partners.

When bad becomes normal

Sometimes, when we’re in bad relationships for a while, it can be off-putting to be in a good one. Here are a few behaviors that might make someone feel uncomfortable or be de-stabilizing if they’re used to unhealthy relationships:

• Receiving honesty and direct communication without thinking there must be an agenda.

• A partner who wants to tackle conflict head-on may be straight up terrifying if you’re only used to conflict being negative and painful.

• Relaxation-induced panic. 

• Kind gestures or gifts might be seen as bargaining chips that will be brought up later. 

• Requests may be interpreted as non-negotiable demands. 

• A lack of conflict or drama can be seen as boring or uninspiring.

• If there isn’t 100% instant intense physical chemistry and affection, then thinking it must mean there’s no future.

Tools for the toolbox

Some advice and things to remember when moving from an unhealthy relationship to a healthy one:

• Be patient with yourself.

• Take note of how you speak to yourself and adopt a gentler voice.

• Find your own strength and individuality - do things that you enjoy and that make you come alive.

• Enlist the help of a trusted friend or professional to take stock of what happened in the relationship:

  • This may include getting help from someone for taking ownership of your own behavior or negative habits as well. 

  • It is also valuable in unpacking what pain, habits, or patterns may have been in place for you even before this particular relationship 

  • It’s good to have someone who can give you a reality check. “Is this thing my partner said okay, or is this just my trauma brain making it sound worse?” 

• It’s okay to go slow when opening your heart up again. 

• Make a list of green flags and red flags for yourself regarding what you look for in partners and relationships. 

• When something about a partner’s words or behavior throws you off, ask questions before making an assumption.

• HALTDDSS as much as you need. 

• Find a time (not during conflict) to talk with your partner about what’s happened in the past and how you can work together to facilitate healing (when you’re ready).

• It can be helpful to symbolize or formalize a way to let go of the previous relationship, even if you know 100% you’re over the person or the relationship. 

• Come up with micro-scripts to rewrite old patterns.

• Practice accepting love, affection, kindness, compassion, and worthiness from everyone around you, including yourself. It’s a constant practice.