The love addiction caveat

In this episode, we’re using the term “love addiction” to characterize some of the behaviors we’re discussing, but we want to point out that the only behavior that has been classified as addictive in the DSM-V is gambling. However, many of us laypeople apply to term to other things, from sex to pornography to social media, etc.

Behaviors that are classified as “addictive behaviors” that often mimic substance addiction are:

• Constant cravings.

• Neglecting other life responsibilities.

• Withdrawal symptoms.

• The compulsion toward the substance or behavior even when there are diminishing rewards, even when the substance or behavior is no longer producing the desired effect.

• Building a tolerance and needing higher or more extreme doses.

However, since it is human nature to seek out pleasure and stimulation, even if it comes at a high cost, it can be dangerous to call all behaviors that look like this addictive. Therefore, there is some controversy when it comes to love addiction and whether or not it should be a diagnosable condition.

Some other key patterns that might be associated with “love addiction” are:

• Intrusive thoughts.

• Separation anxiety (which could prompt you to skip work, ditch school, cancel plans with friends).

• Using love as a tool for avoidance.

• Staying in a relationship, even when its unhealthy.

• Only getting joy out of love or a relationship.

Love addiction and polyamory

Since love addiction isn’t even diagnosable, of course it’s hard to say if all polyamorous people are addicted to love. However, it’s been a common argument used to criticize multi-partner relationships, and there can be real problems that intersect with the aforementioned behaviors, such as:

• Compulsively seeking NRE or getting bored when a relationship shifts away from NRE.

• Polysaturation issues due to constant dating or acquisition of new partners.

• Being distracted by every new shiny that comes along, dropping everything to jump into the chase, etc.

In an article about sex and love addiction within the polyamorous community, Kathy Labriola identifies the difference between polyamory and sex addiction relating to the impact that seeking love and relationships has on your life: does it increase your happiness and quality of life or does it deteriorate your life? She also notes that polyamory doesn’t require you to center your entire life around sex/relationships in the way that an addiction to either of those things do.

“As you can see, the main differences between polyamory and sex or relationship addiction is the addicts’ lack of control over their behavior and their inability to make rational choices about sex and relationships.”

Kathy Labriola

Polyamory might provide a convenient cover for someone who suffers from sex addiction, but we also need to be mindful of how sex addiction is recognized in order to avoid repeating sex negative stereotypes that people associate with polyamory.

Actionable tools

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous has a 40-question survey of yes/no questions that attempts to evaluate your sexual/romantic tendencies and discern how detrimental to your wellbeing they are. Some of the questions are more useful than others, but it can at least be a starting point.

If you’re concerned you might fall onto the spectrum of these behaviors, there are a few things we might recommend:

• Get an outside opinion from a trusted and competent professional (or multiple).

• Find community support (12-step or otherwise).

• Opt for activities that support your sense of self and wellbeing.

• Find ways to get access to dopamine and serotonin even when you’re not around a partner (massage, art, music, socializing, exercise).

• Mindfulness, meditation, or a spiritual practice can also help.