Jealousy toolkit

The first half of our series on handling jealousy has 26 different techniques for handling jealousy, whether for your brain or your body.

For the brain

Tools for your brain to combat repetitive and unwanted or intrusive thoughts:

1. Write out your toolkit ahead of time.

2. Journal dump - Train of thought, stream of consciousness journaling. 

3. Mind mapping - Drawing pictures, drawing a web, illustrating everything going on in your brain.

4. Just the facts, ma’am - Writing out the situation with no value judgments, like a reporter or a scientist. 

5. The unique list - List all the things that are great, special, unique about you, without qualifying them.  

6. What’s the opposite of this thought? - Identify a few primary thoughts that are swirling around and write out what the exact opposite of the thought might be, and see what it brings up for you. 

7. Emotion wheel - MA episode 348! Use an emotion wheel or other tool to pinpoint precisely what’s coming up for you and keep track of that. 

8. Therapist dump - If you’ve already got an established relationship with a therapist and you feel they are supportive of you, reach out to them. It might be good to use the Triforce or be explicit about what you’re hoping for from them. 

9. Chair work -  Create a dialogue with the conflicting parts of you. If you’ve identified one part of you that’s freaked out and one part of you that wants to be supportive, have those two parts have a conversation together. 

10. CBT worksheets - Again, if you’re finding most of your distress is cognitive, taking a CBT approach can be helpful. Tons of CBT worksheets online for free that can help you sort out your thought process and ways to improve your thought process.

11. Workbooks - Kathy Labriola’s jealousy workbook, Kitty Chambliss’s jealousy workbook, if you do well with structured exercises.

12. Distract and/or reward the inner toddler - let yourself indulge, within appropriate limits for yourself. Wine, cigarette, comfort movie, comfort food, new video game, etc. 

13. Pick a new skill to learn.

14. Crafting project or art project - A constructive activity that helps get you into the zone.

15. Put your phone away, or step away from social media and the news. Unless you know which type of content legitimately comforts you - animal videos only, makeup TikToks only, etc.

16. Sleep sounds/Sleep With Me podcast - super helpful if you have trouble sleeping or if you’re not used to sleeping alone.

For the body

Tools to combat going into survival mode or physiological responses include:

1. SIFT through it. 

2. Movement - Exercise, yoga, dance, structured or unstructured, letting your body do what it’s craving. If anger or aggression comes up, that’s okay to explore, but put some limits around it. 

3. Progressive relaxation – Tensing and relaxing different muscle groups at a time to encourage relaxation. Pay attention to jaw, neck, and belly! Plenty of progressive relaxation meditations and videos available online for free. 

4. Orienting - Counting, finding the blue thing etc., get curious about the details in the room. Corners of the room, sense of smell, sound.

5. Self touch - Comforting touch, baths, pleasant sensory experiences, or orgasm etc.

6. Comforting touch from others - Platonic cuddling, cuddle groups, or connecting with another partner (MA 361).

7. Humming, Singing, or Om-ing

   • Consulted a 2018 systematic review of studies on breathwork. Found that humming in particular generates more nitric oxide, which sterilizes the air your breathe, increases arterial oxygen, and reduces blood pressure.

   • Stimulates the vagus nerve, which helps to activate your parasympathetic nervous system.

   • Improves heart rate variability, which is a measure of how well your body can move out of a stress state into a relaxed state.

8. Ice pack on neck - A small 2018 study published in JMIR Formative Research found that 16 seconds of cold stimulation to the lateral neck area increased heart rate variability and also lowered blood pressure.

9. Pet an animal. - Many studies on this.

10. Find a way to laugh.

Stay tuned for next week when we’ll explore the final 24 tools for handling jealousy.