Doubting your relationship?

Surprisingly, when searching relationship questions online, ones about whether or not doubting your relationship is normal are most prevalent. Clearly, most of us have had anxiety or doubts about a relationship at some point in our lives, but we want to explore the topic more.

From some of the research we've found in this area, some reasons you might experience relationship anxiety could be:

• Emotional neglect or abuse, causing low self-esteem or low self-worth due to past trauma.

• Attachment difficulties stemming from relationships with your parents or caregivers at a young age.

• Having parents who were significantly intrusive or disengaged.

• General anxiety that manifests as worry about relationships.

• Imposter syndrome.

• Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (rOCD).

Additionally, we must remember there are a lot of different factors that go into having a healthy mindset in a relationship, including healthy communication, learning to trust your intuition, understanding your inner world, and not fearing more challenging emotions. It’s vital to discuss what a healthy relationship looks like, and to understand when trauma and/or underlying mental health attributes can have an impact, as well as maintaining a sense of independence while coupled.

What to do about it?

Some of the tools and suggestions for dealing with relationship doubt we found are:

• Hold individuality within a relationship. Learning healthy boundaries with your partner and how to hold space for each other without internalizing their emotions is important. 

• Remember that it’s normal and valid to have questions and be curious. We live in a society where there are high expectations set on most aspects of our lives - including relationships. Examine if you have unmet expectations or are being influenced by an external source to imagine how your relationship should look.

• From an article by E.B. Johnsons:

  • Talk about what you both want for the future.

  • Understand each others personal values.

  • Consider the source of your doubt.

  • Take individual time to process your emotions.

• Dr. Alisha Powell suggests:

  • Go to therapy, seek professional guidance.

  • Build deeper, trusting relationships with your community to help with security.

  • Address conflict or unresolved differences.

  • Remember that our feelings are valid, but not always fact.

“Healthy doubts tend to be questioning and evaluating the relationship itself. Whether it’s working, whether it’s the right one for you, whether you both want the same future.”

Dr. Sheri Jacobson

To summarize:

• Examine your doubts by journaling, going to therapy, and asking questions. 

• Take a look at the reality of your relationship (i.e. are there situations or behaviors that cause doubt?).

• Assess your inner  world (i.e. mental health, insecurities, etc.), and allowing space for being human. 

• It’s ok to step out of the binary and develop a relationship that is unique and feels good to you and your partner.