Origins of love bombing

The term “love bombing” was coined in the 1970s by the Unification Church of the United States and also used by some members of “The Family International,” a group that was criticized as an authoritarian cult that exploited children in a number of ways.

“Love bombing occurs when someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of attention and affection.”

Verywellmind.com

There are a few different definitions for love bombing, some more complex than others. Psychologist Dale Archer describes the phases of love bombing with the acronym IDD, or:

• Intense idealization: Someone idealizes you very quickly, puts you on a pedestal, sweeps you off of your feet with flowers, big gestures, gifts, etc. It may feel like it’s too good to be true or happening way too quickly.

• Devaluation: Partner may alternate between being very cruel and very kind. In public they shower you with affection, but in private they can exhibit abusive behaviors.

• Discard: Eventually the partner may leave and move onto the next victim, only to repeat the process over again.

As far as research goes, there seems to only be one study done about love bombing, and many of the articles out there reference it. It was also done with a fairly small, non-diverse group of students, and it seems to be the case that although love bombing “has gained cultural prominence in recent years…little peer-reviewed research exists on the phenomenon specifically,” according to Psychology Today.

Love bombing and narcissism

Many, many people, including many online therapists, lump love bombing together with narcissism. However, the number of people with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is fairly low (anywhere from 0.05% to 6.2%), and so without taking away from the very real suffering that people go through, it’s important to remember that narcissism is extremely difficult to categorize, even for experts who study it.

It definitely is possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who love bombs you, or after a period of being love bombed, just as it’s entirely possible to have an abusive relationship with someone even if it starts out slowly and carefully. But it’s still a good idea to be able to recognize love bombing behavior and be cautious at the beginning of any relationship.

Some examples of love bombing might include:

• Excessive compliments.

• Buying expensive gifts or making grand gestures.

• Trying to progress the relationship really quickly.

• Lots of calling or texting throughout the day.

• Proclamations of “you’re my soulmate” or “I could see us spending our lives together” after a very short period of time.

Conversely, some examples of more healthy courtship include:

• Getting to know each other gradually.

• Meaningful signs of affection to let each other know you care.

• Progressing the relationship steadily and deliberately.

• Checking in on each other and sending thoughtful messages to one another. 

• Future planning when the time feels right.

• Being on the same page with one another about the progression of the relationship.

What if I’ve been love bombed?

A lot of articles we found mentioned that if you are particularly vulnerable, like a victim of past abuse or healing from a breakup, you may be more susceptible to being love bombed, but it can happen to anyone. If you’re being love bombed and it’s making you uncomfortable, consider the following:

• Create space: Set some internal boundaries and stick to them. Take time away from the new person if you need to. Evaluate if the person is actually committed to honoring your boundaries and the time you need. 

• Take inventory of the relationship: Figure out what it is that the two of you want out of the relationship. If possible, do something together like the Relationship Anarchist Smorgasbord to determine what your relationship will and will not consist of. 

• Talk to an objective outsider: It can be difficult to heed the advice of loved ones (especially if it is another partner) so it might be best to talk to a therapist or get another opinion on the relationship. 

• Don’t dismiss red flags: If you feel like something weird is going on, trust that instinct (and the instincts of other people who are close to you). 

• As always, it’s ok to break up if the relationship doesn’t feel right. This goes for friends too. And with metamours! You don’t necessarily have to be good friends with them, you can instead choose to engage in a more parallel polyamory type of relationship.