411 - What’s Your Price of Admission?
Deal breakers in relationships
In the modern age of online dating, it’s hard not to wonder if we’re becoming too picky about potential partnerships. Could this mean we’re missing out on wonderful potential partnerships?
Research for this episode showed that there is a huge range of behaviors or traits that people consider to be deal breakers for them. A few examples include:
Eating with their mouth open or talking with food in their mouth.
Being a mouth-breather.
Not being punctual to a date.
The date not enjoying their jokes or humor.
Discussing their ex on the first date.
Interrupting a lot.
Having children under the age of 4.
Having children at all.
Checking phone while on a date.
Being an anxious-attachment style.
Lack of hygiene or care in outward presentation.
Dad jokes.
Not being fit or healthy enough.
Bad haircut.
Being vegan.
Incompatible politics.
Expecting you to be a mind reader.
Not anticipating their partner’s needs.
Some of them may seem silly to us, but there’s nothing wrong with identifying behaviors or traits you don’t feel you can handle in a relationship. Ultimately, we found that it comes down to solvable problems versus perpetual problems.
Perpetual problems in a relationship might look like:
Differing on whether or not to have children.
Which religious beliefs to practice in the household.
Preference of monogamy vs. non-monogamy.
How to handle finances/retirement goals.
Sexual risk tolerance with other partners.
Homebody vs. party animal.
Most of the time, conflict in a relationship has to do with perpetual problems, which are grounded in fundamental differences between people. They are either differences in personality that create conflict, or differences in lifestyle needs. If these problems become gridlocked, it means they’ve been mishandled and are a source of discomfort for the couple when discussed. If the underlying issues are not addressed, it can feel like discussions get us nowhere.
Takeaways
It’s a good idea to have some notion of what you want in a partner, but don’t limit yourself so much that you miss out on the many wonderful people out there.
Some of the qualities you thought you might want in a partner may end up being what you dislike the most.
Some things in a relationship may never change, and that can be ok! According to the Gottman Institute, only 31% of problems are solvable.
Unsolved problems may be irritating, but it’s important to evaluate whether they may just be the “Price of Admission” of being with this person. Agreeing to the relationship means agreeing to those things.
If you need help determining if something is worth its admission price, RADAR, Repair SHOP, enlisting a trusted friend or professional, or a couples counselor can be beneficial.
If the pros of the benefits outweigh the cons, try to make peace with the challenges and let any of that animosity you feel go. If the problems become gridlocked, however, and you find your list of cons outweighs the pros, it’s okay to break up.