Why are some topics difficult to talk about?

In any relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, friendly, what have you, there are difficult conversations we have to have from time to time. Some of the most common subjects or scenarios we tend to avoid discussing because of discomfort are:

• Any conflict or disagreement.

• Making a request.

• Stating a boundary.

• Disclosing information (i.e. sexual health, STI status, safer sex practices).

• “Taboo” topics such as sex, money, etc.

• Coming out conversations.

• Talking about the current state of the relationship.

• Ending or de-escalating a relationship.

Discussions around these topics often take a lot of courage, for a variety of reasons. Macro and micro culture can affect social convention a great deal, for instance:

• Americans are often raised to feel discussing money is rude.

• Growing up in a family that never discussed sex or sexual health.

• Coming from a past relationship where it wasn’t safe to talk about vulnerable subjects or communicate feelings in an honest way.

• Monogamous culture’s dictation that we don’t acknowledge or discuss past relationships, sexual experiences, or partners.

We also may fear the impact the discussion might have on the other person. Often we’re naturally averse to:

• Potentially causing conflict.

• Hurting feelings.

• Rocking the boat.

• Potentially setting off a big or dangerous reaction.

There’s also the possibility of embarrassment and shame. Some things may make us feel one or both, like:

• Having to be vulnerable and expose our weaknesses or mistakes.

• Exposing what we really want or really feel.

• Having to come clean about dishonesty.

• Having to admit that you were wrong or mistaken.

Lastly, we may just simply fear rejection or abandonment, and that can be more than enough to discourage tackling hard conversations.

When we don’t want to have these hard talks with someone, we often exhibit quite maladaptive ways of avoiding them, such as:

• Perpetual avoidance.

• Passive aggressive communication.

• Dropping hints.

• Giving brief or non committal responses.

• Distraction.

How can we better approach hard conversations?

• Figure out your why. For instance,

  • Why is it important to have this conversation?

  • What are the pros and cons of having it?

  • What are the pros and cons of not having it?

• Write a letter ahead of time.

  • You can have multiple drafts.

  • It may help you get your thoughts in order.

• Aim for physiological calm for both yourself and the other person.

• Acknowledge feelings up front, using I-statements:

  • “I’m feeling really nervous about this conversation, so bear with me.”

  • “I feel a little scared to say this out loud, but I’m gonna do my best.”

  • “This may be an uncomfortable conversation, but we’ll get through it.” 

• Follow a formula, like:

  • RADAR.

  • Non-violent communication.

  • Reid Mihalko’s difficult conversation formula.

• Be clear on what you’re hoping for from the conversation. Use the Triforce of Communication!

• Change up the format or setting:

  • See if the other person would be willing to discuss via text, even just from the other room.

  • Create a nest for yourself.

  • Go for a walk together.

  • Consider talking in a public place such as a café (it’s best to negotiate this ahead of time with the other person, since some people may feel supported in public areas and others may feel trapped).

• Remember repair (even pre-emptive repair!):

  • Pre-emptive repair might look like: “I know that you’ve tried really hard to make me feel safe to be honest, and I still feel scared having to be honest right now.”

  • Repair is particularly important if you are the one receiving disclosure or communication from the other person. Even if you have a lot of feelings come up, make an effort to acknowledge the other person’s effort in this conversation.

• Take breaks as needed.

• Get professional help.

• Practice affirmations. Vulnerability and honesty builds closer relationships. Affirm your identity and values.