Talking about honesty…honestly

Most of us learn from childhood that honesty is the best policy, but in this episode, we’re discussing when that might not be the best option. Real life is a lot more nuanced in practice, so we go into depth about some different takes on honesty, the honesty spectrum, and how to decide if you should disclose something or be honest about a situation.

Radical honesty and selfish honesty

The term radical honesty was actually coined by Dr. Brad Blanton and trademarked in 1997. Some of its core principles are:

• Lying is the primary cause of suffering.

• Living honestly is the antidote to lying and the root of its power is in distinguishing noticing from thinking.

• You can only notice in the moment, and you can only notice three categories of things: sensations, thoughts, and your external surroundings.

• Sharing honestly what you notice frees you from the suffering caused by attachment to lying, withholding, phoniness, and ideals.

• Sharing honestly what you notice also deepens love, connection, understanding and forgiveness (eventually).

• Radical honesty is a living, walking, talking, out-loud meditation that moves you from reactivity to being a creator of your own life.

Radical honesty is a good starting point for a discussion about honesty because it deals in such extremes. We have to wonder, is there such a thing as too much honesty? The best parts of radical honesty lie in the mindfulness it promotes, so is the “out loud” part necessary, helpful, or hurtful?

Often, someone might sugarcoat being rude or mean as “just being honest.” We’ve dubbed this selfish honesty, and it includes:

• Unsolicited criticism:

  • Giving harsh or critical feedback under the guise of "being honest," especially when it's not asked for or when it's given without considering the other person's feelings. This can sometimes be more about asserting superiority or power than about genuine concern or constructive intent.

• “Honesty” as a way of hiding the truth:

  • Sometimes, a person might be honest about minor issues or differences as an excuse to break up, when the real reason might be that they are interested in someone else, they're not ready for a committed relationship, or they have other personal issues they don't want to confront or disclose.

• Guilt-driven confessions:

  • This can include confessing past mistakes or wrongdoings that no longer impact the relationship, but the individual discloses them mainly to alleviate personal guilt. This type of honesty might bring relief to the person confessing, but it could cause unnecessary pain or distress to the other person.

• Offloading your own baggage:

  • While openness is generally positive, constantly sharing every negative thought, worry, or self-criticism could be a form of selfish honesty if it puts an emotional burden on the other person or is used as a tool for seeking attention or validation.

• Gossip:

  • This could be seen as selfish honesty when a person shares confidential or sensitive information about friends or family members with others, potentially damaging those relationships, under the guise of being open and honest.

T.I.E.D.

Unfortunately, there isn’t an easy way to decide if you should be honest about something or not. However, we have come up with an acronym to help you evaluate and be mindful of others when choosing to disclose something or not.

• Truth:

  • Is it true (objectively or personally)?

• Intent:

  • Who am I sharing this for and why is it important to share?

  • Who am I sharing this for? My sake or theirs?

  • Is it to help the other person somehow? Or is it to communicate something to help myself?

  • Do I want to share this? Or do I think that I should share this, even if I don’t want to?

  • How important is this for me?

• Effect:

  • Will it prevent or cause harm?

  • Will it prevent further hurt or injury (physical, emotional, or financial)?

  • Could it cause more harm than it attempts to prevent?

  • Realistically, how do I think this might be received? Is it likely to have the effect I intend (see Intent above)?

• Delivery:

  • Not just what is said, but who says it, to whom, and when.

  • Am I the right person to communicate this? 

  • Is this the right person I should be telling? 

  • Is this the right setting for delivering this message? 

  • Is this the right time? Or at least a necessary time? Is it urgent?

  • Acknowledging that it may not have the intended effect, what is the best way/time to hopefully improve those odds?