Spiritual bypassing 101

The term spiritual bypassing was coined by Buddhist teacher and psychologist John Wellerman in 1984, after he “observed that many people tried to use their spiritual practices to suppress their personal needs and deny their identity. These people read many books on spirituality, engage in spiritual practices, followed spiritual teachers or retreats, and participated faithfully in Church gatherings. All these practices, however good in themselves, distracted them from nurturing their psychological needs as they believed that their spiritual work could one day resolve their psychological problems. Unfortunately, in this context, spiritual bypassing began to take the form of a fascinating pseudo-spiritual therapy, an endless participation in spiritual formation events that didn't really change anything in the participant’s life.” Spiritual bypassing uses spirituality to legitimize and avoid dealing with problems or psychological challenges, such as painful feelings or unhealed wounds.

Spiritual bypassing can happen with any belief system, not just religion. In practice, it can look like:

• Throwing scripture or platitudes at yourself or others in order to dismiss the real problem (i.e. “Just pray about it”).

• Constantly seeking blissed out states via substance use, meditation, yoga, exercise, sex, kink, etc.

• Thinking that if you and your partner share the same spiritual practices or beliefs, that will sustain the relationship.

• Avoiding contact or influence from anyone who is considered “unspiritual” or “not spiritual enough.”

• Anger-phobia:

  • Refusing to feel or outwardly display disappointment, aggression, frustration, envy, jealousy, etc.

  • Refusing to confront others, challenge, or disagree.

  • Disconnection from all “negative” emotional experience.

• Intellectual disassociation.

• A dogmatic belief in a charismatic spiritual leader or guru.

• Strongly identifying with being an enlightened being or a spiritually superior person.

We spiritually bypass for a lot of reasons, namely to escape from reality or the ordinariness of life, to avoid pain, to cope with problematic social contexts, or to avoid the negative influence of religious communities and leaders.

Why is it bad?

Potential risks of spiritually bypassing your problems include:

• Stagnation and passivity: problems perpetuate without really being resolved.

• Alienation and disconnect from others around you.

• Internalized shame when the chosen spiritual technique fails to fully repress or eliminate negative emotions or experiences.

• Addictive draw to behaviors or substances.

• High tolerance for inappropriate behaviors from others, high tolerance for being abused or mistreated.

• Abandonment of personal responsibility, like feeling disempowered in relationship, or always dodging ownership.

Of course, there are healthy coping mechanisms, but there’s overlap when it comes to figuring out if they’re good or bad, as many of them can be used for both. Some important questions to ask yourself about your coping mechanisms are:

• Am I turning away and avoiding versus turning towards and accepting?

• Am I denying the reality of my problems versus seeking solutions for problems?

• Am I going for short-term benefits versus long-term benefits?

• Is there a lack of emotional processing versus emotional processing?

If you’re concerned you might be spiritually bypassing your problems, try some of these tactics:

1. Get a vibe check from an outside source, like a trusted friend, a therapist, counselor, or coach.

2. Disconnect for a little while from your practice of choice and track what happens.

3. Think about integration - do the benefits of your practice of choice carry over into other areas of your life?

4. Remember to have patience and compassion for yourself.