Are you the toxic one?

Don’t stop reading! The purpose of this episode isn’t to shame anyone or assign blame. Instead, we’re discovering what the word “toxic” actually means, since it’s often overused on social media nowadays. We’re also discussing bad behaviors and why they happen, and as always, we aim to provide you with some ways to make positive changes.

This episode is NOT for you if:

• You have a history of self-blame or intense self-shaming.

• You are experiencing abuse within a clear power dynamic.

• You are currently undergoing a period of poor mental health.

It IS for you if:

• You’re currently feeling frustrated and disempowered in your relationships, or you feel this way often/ on a consistent basis.

• You have thoughts along the lines of “Why can’t they just be better?” or “Why won’t they just shape up?”

• You’re ready to take a full inventory of what’s going on in this dynamic, what is keeping it going, and seeing if there are areas where you can be doing your own work.

“What often contributes to ‘toxicity’ in a relationship is when one or both individuals fail to take responsibility for how they have contributed to the breakdowns in their communication and connection. Toxic relationships can be repaired, but take time and commitment by both individuals.”

- Grace Choi, a marriage and family therapist based in Atlanta

The traits we use in this episode to define a “bad” relationship are extreme codependence, high conflict and/or volatility, dishonesty, inequality, imbalanced decision-making, pressure or coercion, neglect, and not meeting partners’ wants or needs.

Common toxic behaviors

1. Not communicating openly, perhaps by:

   • Shutting down/stonewalling. 

   • Criticism/attack.

   • Contempt/mockery/belittling.

   • Defensiveness/blame.

   • Dishonesty.

   • Indirect or triangulated communication.

Why do we sometimes resort to these bad communication behaviors?

• Perhaps there is longing or unmet needs and wants underneath.

• Maybe it’s a pattern leftover from family of origin.

• It can help us feel like we’re regaining power.

• It prevents us from having to be vulnerable by being honest, transparent, or by having to apologize or take ownership for our actions. 

• In the past, it may never have felt safe for us to be who we really are or to say what we really feel.

• Maybe we’re overwhelmed by emotions that are clouding our judgment, and making it hard to choose more functional approaches.

What’s the antidote?

• Stonewalling → Emotional regulation or HALTing.

• Criticism → Describing yourself and your own feelings rather than describing the other person.

• Contempt → Building appreciation and respect in your relationship. 

• Defensiveness/blame →Just working on that apology/ownership muscle, even if you’re only able to take responsibility for something small. 

• Dishonesty → Identify what holds you back or what feels is at risk by being honest.

• Indirect communication → Get clear on what belongs to whom, and have the courage to initiate uncomfortable conversations.

2. Dysfunctional relationship to one’s own emotions, and subsequently:

• Taking negative emotions out on one’s partner, sometimes explosively.

• Engaging in emotional projection.

• Not processing emotional patterns, where they may have come from, and what soothes them.

Why do we do this sometimes?

• Never learning emotional regulation or healthy ways to cope with big feelings in the first place.

• Being chronically low on resources can intensify our feelings (lack of sleep, money stress, job or housing insecurity).

• Unresolved trauma or shame.

What’s the antidote?

• Learning how to sit with uncomfortable feelings during a conflict and still be able to listen and communicate.

• Be aware of how big emotional displays like yelling, swearing, being destructive, and lengthy crying jags can cause negative impact.

• Practice HALTing at a 3 rather than a 10.

• Start working with a professional to start understanding your own emotional responses and working toward where you’d like them to be.

3. Expecting mind reading from your partner, which can look like:

• Putting them to a test.

Why do we do this?

• Even if we agree that we shouldn’t do this, our own assumptions and expectations can catch us by surprise. We may not realize they were even there until they weren’t met. 

• We may be holding a particular story about how a relationship should be, which can be influenced by culture, family, friends, or past relationships. 

• We might be avoiding the vulnerability of directly expressing what our expectations are, avoiding the risk that our partner may say “no.”

• Past experiences of having unspoken expectations met can color current relationships.

• Maybe we’re not trusting that a partner will come through for us without our prompting.

What’s the antidote?

• Take an inventory of what actually does work for you in relationships. What behaviors do you expect from yourself and your partner?

• Encourage reciprocity with your partner. What are their expectations? 

• Have regular check-ins to keep track of shifting expectations.

4. Control and manipulation, which can look like:

• Covertly or overtly controlling finances, who your partner spends time with, how they behave, etc.

• Your partner may feel the need to resort to lying, omitting, hiding, or generally being sketchy. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but it’s important to look at the whole ecosystem.

Why do we resort to this behavior sometimes?

• The desire to control people, situations, and environments is very human. We have evolved to learn that control often equals safety. Often that can just straight up be the truth in certain situations. But it's a really hard lesson to unlearn in situations where controlling another person also causes them hurt or makes them feel trapped. 

• Someone else’s boundaries, limitations, or behaviors may just totally not make sense to us. We may have a hard time empathizing or relating. 

• We might have a lack of trust that we’ll be seen, heard, or cared for, therefore we have to step in and manage. 

• We might have too high of a standard for how things are done or how people behave. 

• Maybe we think we know what’s best for someone else (misguided care).

What’s the antidote?

• Get curious about what situations or people trigger your impulse to control.

• Recognize what is and isn’t in your control.

• Examine how in-control or empowered you feel in your life in general. Feeling out of control in one area can prompt more attempts to regain control in other areas, such as your relationships.