Leading a happy life

Inspired by a TED YouTube video called The Secret to a Happy Life — Lessons from 8 Decades of Research | Robert Waldinger, we’re discussing how your non-romantic relationships can improve your health, mentally, emotionally, and even physically.

A Zen priest, Robert Waldinger is also the director of the Harvard Study for Adult Development, the longest running longitudinal study of the same people and their families/descendants. For over 80 years, the study has tracked participants and their children.

Its key findings have been:

• Having what they call “warm connections” has a large impact on not only mental/emotional health but also physical health, regardless of fame, success, or money. This includes physical health (less inflammation and stronger immune systems).

• They found there to be health benefits to connecting to strangers. Though relationships that can help you talk through something important are best, even a warm, friendly conversation with a barista, hair stylist, or stranger in line at the grocery store has a positive impact.

• Different people have different social needs. Many people in the study were introverts and were healthy having one or two close relationships while others thrived with much more social activity.

• The ability to connect with others is not fixed and can be learned and developed later in life.

So how do we strengthen our relationships?

Some suggestions for strengthening current non-romantic relationships are:

• Be proactive in reaching out and scheduling regular catch-ups with people important to you. Make it routine.

• Liven up long-standing relationships with new, out-of-the-ordinary activities. Go beyond your normal routine.

• Bond through shared interests by joining groups, classes or volunteering for causes you care about.

• Reconnect with old friends or family you've lost touch with but felt close to before. Rebuilding established connections is easier than new ones.

• Try opening up a little more with your current friends and contacts. Go a bit deeper in existing relationships before seeking brand new ones.

• Try befriending colleagues you relate to. Workplace friends can become real confidants.

Remember to focus on authenticity and meaning:

• Evaluate whether you can be your authentic self in a relationship. Do you feel truly known?

• Don't overshare too fast. Build intimacy slowly by taking emotional risks over time with people who respond supportively.

• Make sure to have at least one person who "has your back" when times are tough.

• Remember relationships are mutually built over time. Be the kind of friend you want to have too. Listen, support, and be trustworthy.

• Focus on shared meaning, not just shared fun (though fun is good, too!). Support each other's growth.

And if you’re a true introvert, or maybe just less social than others, consider:

• If you want more connections, take small steps out of your comfort zone to be around people more. It gets easier.

• Consider counseling if isolation is involuntary and troubling for you. Humans need some degree of relationships.

• Find just one person you can be yourself with. Focus on quality over quantity.

• Connect with people online about shared interests before attempting in-person interactions.

• Practice social skills in small increments within your comfort zone.

• Join groups for people with similar dispositions or challenges. Find your tribe.

• Consider a therapy animal if you relate better to pets than people. Animals can reduce stress.

• Identify aspects of relationships that do provide comfort, like sending memes or chatting online.

• Remind yourself that being different is OK. You don't have to fit the extrovert ideal.

• Set boundaries and give yourself permission to opt out of overwhelming social situations.

It's never too late to strengthen relationships and reap benefits! If it seems overwhelming, try just one new social activity per week, even if it's online groups for now. One step at a time.

Our Discord server is an amazing resource for people to connect. Self-compassion is key - be patient and don't judge yourself. Note that everyone needs different levels of interaction. Don't compare yourself to super social extroverts.