Emotional safety is vital in relationships

Feeling unable to express emotion honestly to a partner can have a bit impact on relationships. Emotional expressiveness and regulation are crucial for relationship development and maintenance. Interpersonal emotional regulation (IER), or the regulation of emotions through interactions with one's partner, is particularly important.

Sharing emotions openly with each other can help foster intimacy and deepen bonds, and suppressing emotion can lead to resentment, confusion, and distance between partners. Additionally, being able to rely on a partner for emotional support can help reduce stress and anxiety, and while emotional clashes are inevitable, being able to honestly share your emotions and feel as though they are received fully is critical to the health of a relationship.

The Interpersonal Emotional Regulation Questionnaire, adapted from its original set of questions in a 2023 paper by Schodt, K. B., & Mickelson, K. D. from Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, contains four factors to take into consideration when deciding in fa relationship is emotionally safe or not. Use a 1-5 point scale (1 for ‘not true for me at all’ and 5 for ‘extremely true for me’) for each item:

1. Enhancing positive affect:

   1. I like being around my partner when I’m excited to share my joy.

   2. Being in the presence of my partner feels good when I’m elated.

   3. When I feel elated, I seek out my partner to make them happy.

2. Perspective-taking:

   1. It helps me to deal with my depressed mood when my partner points out that things aren’t as bad as they seem.

   2. When I am annoyed, my partner can soothe me by telling me not to worry.

   3. When I'm sad, it helps me to hear how my partner has dealt with similar feelings.

3. Soothing:

   1. I look for my partner to offer me compassion when I'm upset.

   2. Feeling upset often causes me to seek out my partner who will express sympathy.

   3. I look to my partner when I feel depressed just to know that I am loved.

4. Social modeling:

   1. It makes me feel better to learn how my partner dealt with their emotions.

   2. Seeing how my partner would handle the same situation helps me when I am frustrated.

   3. When I'm sad, it helps me to hear how my partner has dealt with similar feelings.

When you figure out your IERQ scores, take the following into consideration when discussing with your partner:

• Frame the conversation as working together to build a stronger relationship, not pointing fingers. Use "we" language.

• We don’t know how much of our scores come from our own history and baggage and how much is based on our partner.

• Highlight areas you appreciate about your partner's support to cushion any difficult feedback.

• When identifying weaknesses, use "I" statements to focus on your experience versus critiquing your partner.

• Ask curious questions to understand your partner's perspective before making assumptions.

• Discuss one area of desired change at a time rather than overwhelming your partner.

• When receiving difficult feedback, reflect back what you heard before reacting. Don't get defensive.

• Agree on small, realistic goals for providing better support and check back in regularly.

• Focus on changing behaviors rather than judging character or motives.

• If emotions run high, take a break and resume when calm.

• Consider involving a counselor if you get stuck or keep having the same fights.

• Celebrate successes and express appreciation when changes occur.