Different communication styles

For decades, psychologists have tried to understand different communication techniques and rate their efficacy. From a general consensus, this has resulted in the following four or five general types of communication:

1. Submissive/Passive: Prioritizing others' needs and desires over one's own, often to avoid conflict or seek approval.

2. Aggressive: Expressing oneself in a dominating manner, often at the expense of others' feelings or rights.

3. Passive Aggressive: Indirectly showing resentment or opposition through subtle actions or comments, rather than open communication.

4. Manipulative (this one is not always included): Influencing others to one's advantage through cunning, deceit, or emotional coercion.

5. Assertive: Clearly and respectfully expressing one's thoughts, feelings, and boundaries without infringing on the rights of others.

Submissive/Passive

Individuals who utilize this style often avoid expressing their feelings or needs, aiming to please others or avoid conflict. This can lead to feeling disregarded or used by others, and they might harbor resentment over time. Basically, conflict-avoidance and people-pleasing.

This often stems from a belief that they either aren’t qualified enough or an internalized belief that others have more rights than them.

Communicating in this style makes it difficult to take responsibility or to make decisions.

Aggressive

This style involves expressing oneself in a way that disregards or overrides the rights and feelings of others. Individuals using this approach may be seen as bullying or domineering, often resorting to blaming, shouting, or being condescending.

A key piece of aggressive behavior is that the focus is on winning, no matter the cost to others. It prioritizes your rights/boundaries/desires over others and is based in a belief that your point of view is the only valid and factually correct way to see things.

This is not always being physically aggressive or loud (though it certainly can include those) and can be effective in the short term since most people want to avoid conflict and will capitulate to the aggressive person. But long-term people become antagonistic, hurt, humiliated, or afraid and will avoid or resist the aggressor, even becoming aggressive themselves.

Passive-Aggressive

This is a covert way of communicating wherein an individual might say one thing but mean another, acting out their aggression in subtle, indirect ways. Examples include giving someone the silent treatment, spreading rumors, or being sarcastic.

This style in particular tends to show up when we feel like we have no power in a situation. For example, it’s been observed that prisoners of war will adopt this communication style as a form of resistance. 

The challenge is that passive-aggressive behaviors come from resentment and the effort to hurt or undermine the other person often results in hurt to the person doing it as well.

Manipulative

This category is not always included and wasn’t in the original four. That said, it has been around a long time, since at least the 60’s and is still referenced in the literature.

Individuals using this style will often attempt to control or influence others by playing on their emotions, using guilt trips, or being cunning to get what they want. Their actions often don't match their words, making it hard to trust or understand them.

Playing on others’ guilt is the primary tactic here. This may include using sad “hang-dog” expressions to make it hard to say no to them, artificial tears, or other indirect means to get what they want, disregarding the wellbeing or desires of others. 

While the word manipulative has a negative and intentional connotation, this is often an unconscious choice and, similar to passive-aggression, comes from a place of feeling disempowered or that any direct requests would be denied.

Assertive

This is considered the healthiest and most effective communication style. It involves expressing one's thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest manner, without infringing on the rights of others. Assertive communicators are good at setting boundaries and advocating for themselves while still showing respect and consideration for others.

Assertiveness can be thought of as the middle path between passive or passive aggressive on one side and aggressive or hostile on the other.

Some ways we can practice assertive communication:

1. First, work on your self-talk. We don’t always get what we want and others don’t always cooperate, but we can work on how we talk to ourselves. Remember that you deserve to have your voice heard and that your desires are valid. Spend some time journaling or just thinking about what you actually do want that you aren’t communicating.

2. A lot of assertiveness interventions focus on verbal face-to-face communication, including posture, eye contact, volume, etc. but there are many other ways to communicate. If those modes of communication are difficult, consider writing or phone calls as well. (We often suggest doing this in conflict with a partner if being face to face is too intense)

3. Really try to internalize that “No.” is a complete sentence and an acceptable answer. It can be helpful to empathize but you don’t need to compromise on the “no.” For example, “I know you really need help, but I’m already out for the day. I can take a look with you tomorrow.”

4. The “Broken Record” technique is commonly taught as a way to deal with others who simply disregard your requests or who change the subject.
   Continue to repeat the thing that it is you want, acknowledge what the person says, but then come back to your request so that you don’t get steamrolled by others.
   Example:
   “When you canceled our date last-minute it hurt my feelings and I want to be sure it doesn’t happen again.”
   “You know how busy I’ve been lately and John has been having a hard time lately”
   “I understand that but it still hurts me when you cancel last-minute.”
   
   Note: Be careful to use this one for good. It is a simple and effective tool to avoid letting other people distract you or ignore your concerns but it can also be form of bullying if used too extensively. The purpose of it is to make sure your concerns are heard and acknowledged, not necessarily that you will get your way completely.

5. “Fogging” is another interesting technique to avoid getting confrontational or defensive in the face of disagreement or criticism. The idea is that you find part of the other person’s statement you can agree with, even if you don’t agree with the entire statement.
   Example:
   “You’re always late for our dates.”
   “You’re right, I was late the last couple of times. I agree our dates are important and I’ll make sure to set aside more commute time next time. If we can move our usual time back by half an hour that would help.”

6. Combining Fogging and Broken Record:

   Example:
   “I want to find some time for us to do a relationship checkin like a RADAR.”
   “Is there a problem?”
   “I think it’s important for us any relationships and I want us to have a regular time to check in on things and work together to improve our relationship”
   “Why do you always have to make everything so serious? Can’t we be organic?”
   “Yeah, I do take our relationships seriously, which is why I want us to be intentional about it. This is important to me.”

You can also check out some communication worksheets here that might be useful. Being a more assertive communicator and learning how to be respectful while being one as well has shown to have positive effects on depression and anxiety. At the very least, it can’t hurt any of us to work towards being better communicators!