Needing drama as a personality trait?

Did you know that the need for drama (NFD) is actually a set of personality traits defined as a compound personality trait involving interpersonal manipulation, impulsive outspokenness, and perceived victimhood.

Any of us can exhibit these traits from time to time, and this episode should be approached the way episode 436: What if You’re the Toxic One? was. You could recognize someone in your life who exhibits these traits sometimes, or you may recognize that you engage in these behaviors yourself.

Behaviors associated with NFD:

• Interpersonal manipulation: A trait that is characterized by a person's willingness to influence other people to behave in a manner that would serve the manipulator's goals. For example:

  • “I like to argue with others.”

  • “It's fun to rile people up.”

  • “I do things to see how others react.”

  • “I play people against each other.”

• Impulsive outspokenness: A trait characterized by a person's compulsion to speak out and share opinions, even when inappropriate and without regard to social consequences. For example:

  • “I wait before speaking my mind.” This example is reverse scored on the NFD scale.

  • “I pay for speaking my mind.”

  • “It's hard to hold my opinion back.”

• Persistent perceived victimhood: The propensity to constantly perceive oneself as a victim of everyday life circumstances that many people would dismiss as benign. High NFD individuals may use this perceived victimization as a justification for manipulative behaviors. For example:

  • “Many people have wronged me.”

  • “I wonder why crazy things happen to me.”

  • “People are out to get me.”

  • “I hold my head high because no one will do it for me.”

  • “People talk behind my back.”

But why?

Why might someone resort to behaviors like this? We have to consider the external locus of control and power dynamics within society. Additionally, things like impulsive outspokenness can be signs that someone feels perpetually unheard or misunderstood, or feels worried that they may never be invited to share their thoughts and opinions, therefore they have to thrust them into the situation. Often, people who are high NFD see their behavior as self-efficacy and competence.

People who are high NFD also tend to have low self-esteem, and they may engage in impulsive or manipulative behavior as a way to compensate for feeling bad about themselves.

As for victimhood, it can be tricky, since we live in a society that is largely built on oppressing and victimizing at least someone at any given time. Many people live at the crossroads of constant victimization, sometimes enacted by individuals, sometimes enacted by systems of oppression at scale. What makes this even trickier is that often those systems actively gaslight the people who are the most negatively affected by them, so bear in mind that the purpose of talking about this isn’t to suggest that anyone’s pain or grievance is not real or legitimate. Exaggerated victimhood is one strategy for being heard in an extremely noisy and distracting landscape, such as the internet. Past traumatic patterns of being wronged or betrayed can create an expectation that the same pattern will happen again and again. This may come out of very real trauma.

What to do about it?

If these behaviors describe someone you know:

• Generate some compassion, when you’re ready. Understand that these behaviors have an origin point either from trauma, feelings of powerlessness, or coping with pain. If it’s appropriate to the relationship (such as a romantic partnership or a close friendship), you could ask curious questions to seek understanding from this person about their history and inner world. But if you’ve been burned by this person repeatedly, it’s okay to have boundaries and take space. You don’t need to work on being compassionate right away if you’re working on healing.

• Validate feelings, but don’t validate the invalid. For example, validating that your friend feels frustrated, unheard, and powerless versus validating your friend’s belief that everyone at work is in a conspiracy to gang up against her.

• Have boundaries. For example, get clear about what types of conversations you’ll engage versus dismiss yourself from, and take space away from the relationship when you need to.

If they describe you:

• Get someone who can be a vibe check for you. Be explicit with your friend or therapist that you’re wanting someone to give you a reality check about what might be going on. 

  • This outside perspective can also help you get clarity on what it is that you actually want or crave. 

• Have a dialogue with your inner child. As children we often resort to weird behaviors because we don’t have as much power or agency. Do any of these behaviors go way back? Does it bring up any memories? What did you want as a young person that you may actually have more ability to access now as a mature adult?

• Practice solution seeking rather than dwelling in offense. Solution-focused therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, or coaching can be great for this. 

• For outspokenness, slow down. Journal your thoughts first and consider your intention in speaking.