Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships

We’re so happy to have Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonogamy, The Polysecure Workbook: Healing Your Attachment and Creating Security in Loving Relationships, and co-author of Polywise, back on the show! Today she’s joined by her co-author David Cooley to talk about their new book.

Some of the questions and topics David and Jessica cover during this episode are:

• How Polywise came to be and its relationship to Jessica’s first book, Polysecure.

• How was it co-authoring a book with someone you are deeply connected to and how did you logistically work out who wrote what?

• The first chapter of the book is all about paradigm shifts and how in order to be successful in non-monogamy, we must shift away from mononormative paradigms. Can you talk about what paradigm shifts are and what they may look like?

• Additionally, many of your examples focus on the paradigm shifts that occur when established couples first go from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one. How do those shifts differ from ones that occur with people who’ve been practicing non-monogamy for years? 

• You had a really interesting section on creating temporary vessels for CNM transitions. Can you talk about what you mean by temporary vessel and why it might be a good idea to create one in your relationship?

• You talked a lot in the book about realizing when a relationship is no longer right for you. Some of your examples included ending a relationship if one partner really doesn’t want non-monogamy and the other does. Is that kind of compromise ever tenable, or do you think a relationship simply will never work out if there are fundamentally differences in what kind of relationship style each partner wants? 

• How you described “parts” was really interesting, as well as talking to and soothing the different parts of yourself that may have adverse ideas about your partner or the relationship. Can we talk about parts a little bit? 

• You get into the debate about non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice versus a decision. Can you talk to us about that and tell us your personal perspectives on the matter? 

• Dave, can you talk about Restorative Relationship Conversations and your work in restorative justice?

• Can we discuss your exercise for identifying and creating an awareness of our internal and external triggers? 

• The discussion around differentiation from our partners was incredibly insightful. It makes a lot of sense that people might mistake differentiation for “falling out of love” or not feeling as intense about a partner as they did during the NRE phase. Can you talk about why differentiation is so important, especially in the context of non-monogamy? 

• Why are setting boundaries and encouraging positive self-esteem so important in breaking the patterns of codependency?

Find more about Jessica and David on their respective websites (linked in their photo captions), along with information about how to buy their book!