Honestly...we all struggle with honesty

There have been times in everyone’s life when we’ve deceived our partners, whether intentionally or unintentionally. But what even is honesty, and why do we struggle with it sometimes?

Deception comes in a variety of guises, from flat-out lies, elaborate fabrications, misdirection and exaggerations, to evasions, equivocations, concealments, omissions, strategic ambiguity… to more subtle misdirection and camouflage.

-2010 study by Burgon and Levine on deception in romantic relationships

One study by Roggensack, K. E. & Sillars, A. in 2014 identified an interesting distinction between types of honesty as well.

Obligatory honesty, which encompassed ideas such as:

• My partner and I should disclose where we are financially.

• My partner and I should be honest with each other about needing time alone.

• My partner is not allowed to check my personal stuff, such as text messages or my computer, without permission.

• I should know where my partner is at all times.

• If my partner spends any time with the opposite sex, I should know about it.

Discretionary honesty, or ideas such as:

• I do not need to know everything my partner is doing daily.

• It’s ok that we do not disclose everything about our past history to each other.

• Sharing genuine emotions is not necessary all the time.

• It’s okay to fudge details if it would cause conflict. 

• We can keep secrets if it wouldn’t hurt the relationship, but we should share them if it would strengthen the relationship.

As for why we sometimes struggle to be honest with our partners, several themes surfaced in a survey done by Jennifer Guthrie and Adrianne Kunkel in 2013. These themes were:

• Engaging in relational maintenance.

• Avoiding relational turbulence such as confrontation, suspicion, avoiding negative reactions.

• Eliciting positivity by lightening the mood, making partner happy.

• Evoking negative feelings, such as trying to elicit jealousy in the other person.

• Restoring equity and harmony after a perceived relational transgression.

• Managing face needs.

  • Positive face - supporting your own or your partner’s feelings and self-presentation.

  • Negative face - supporting your own or partner’s negative face by avoiding unwanted activities or imposition.

• Negotiating dialectical tensions.

  • Balancing autonomy/connection.

  • Balancing openness/closedness.

  • Balancing novelty/predictability.

• Establishing relational control.

  • Acting coercive - making sure your partner behaves or feels the way you want them to.

• Continuing previous deception.

Some other reasons we might have trouble being honest could include:

• Shame (relates to saving face).

• Unsafe environment for sharing honestly (relates to relational maintenance).

• Difficult history with honesty from family of origin.

• Assumptions or projections based on how you think that other person will react or what you yourself would prefer, or unclear expectations about obligatory versus discretionary.

What can we do about it?

Some steps we can take when thinking about honesty or lack thereof:

1. The Reality Check. Is this even a problem for me? Ask yourself:

   • Has my lack of honesty or disclosure caused conflict in my relationships or has it disrupted connection?

   • If it hasn’t, has my lack of honesty or disclosure caused stress or pain internally for myself?

2. The Honesty Rewind, or looking to your past and family of origin. Journaling exercise OR a conversation exercise:

   • How was honesty encouraged or discouraged in my family growing up?

   • How was dishonesty encouraged or discouraged?

   • How did I see my caregivers acting honest or dishonest?

3. Self-Acceptance Supercharge:

   • Are there parts of yourself that you constantly feel the need to hide, shrink, obfuscate, sugar coat in order to be loved (Hint: the answer is yes, everyone does)?

   • If you fully accepted this particular part of yourself, how would that change the way you talk about it?

4. Our Honesty Agreements (a talk to have with a partner):

   • What types of information should be obligatory to share? 

   • What types of information should be private or shared depending on context?

   • Do we hold different opinions about this? Why?

   • What can each of us do to make it easier for the other person to be more honest?

5. Stop On a Dime. This works better for asynchronous conversations, such as texting:

   • You have to start trying to catch yourself early on, when you first feel the urge to lie or obfuscate. 

   • When you first notice that knee jerk reaction, just stop. 

   • Scan your body, scan your mind, scan your feelings. What is going on inside you?

   • If you want, call it out: “I felt the urge to lie to you just now.”

Remember that it’s all right (and even encouraged!) to work on this topic with a counselor, therapist, or coach, especially if you suspect their may be something compulsive at play.