Healthy discomfort versus unhealthy pain

Discomfort can be good for us, but it’s different from unhealthy pain. We often go to lengths to avoid any type of discomfort, but using avoidance tactics indefinitely can affect us in the long run. Dopamine is key in emotional processing by influencing motivation and pleasure, and avoiding difficult emotions has shown to alter dopamine levels. This can potentially lead to depression and substance use disorders, and the body tries to balance itself by suppressing dopamine and making things worse. Avoidance tactics also reinforce short-term rewards, creating dependency on external sources.

Behaviors that enable us to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions - social media, gaming, etc. - correlate with alexithymia, or difficulty identifying, understanding, or expressing emotions. Also known as emotional color-blindness, and can come with difficulty separating emotions from bodily sensations. It is especially prevalent in men, but the number of cases in women has been growing, likely to common daily usage of social media.

There are also psychological implications of avoiding emotions, such as:

• Reduction in stress coping ability.

• Diminished self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

• Contributing to mood and/or anxiety disorders.

• Suppression increases stress responses.

Additionally, some impacts it can have on our relationships are:

• Intimacy Issues:

  • Emotional avoidance and alexithymia hinder emotional connection, making it difficult to understand and respond to a partner's needs.

• Communication Breakdown:

  • Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions can lead to frustration and miscommunication.

Common pushback against discomfort

A lot of the common arguments against treating alexithymia or focusing on feeling difficult emotions are:

• Fear of emotional overwhelm and concern that confronting uncomfortable emotions could lead to an inability to cope with the intensity of those feelings.

• Belief in ineffectiveness, or skepticism based on past attempts that did not yield positive outcomes, leading to a belief that such efforts are futile.

• Lack of skills, or the perceived absence of necessary coping mechanisms or emotional intelligence to effectively manage and process discomfort. Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is specifically for treating this.

• Fear of repercussions, or anxiety about the potential for negative consequences, such as damaging relationships or exacerbating mental health issues as a result of confronting difficult emotions.

• There is comfort in familiarity, or a preference for the status quo, rooted in the comfort and predictability of familiar coping mechanisms, even if they are maladaptive.

• Stigma and vulnerability, or concerns about societal stigma or being perceived as vulnerable or incapable by others if one acknowledges and confronts their emotional discomforts.

• Misunderstanding emotional growth, or the belief that facing discomfort means allowing emotions to dictate one's actions, rather than understanding it as a process of emotional growth and resilience building.

• Time and effort concerns, or belief that the process of facing and processing discomfort is too demanding or not worth the investment of time and emotional energy.

• Doubt in personal benefit, or skepticism regarding the personal gains or improvements in well-being that can result from facing and processing uncomfortable emotions.

• Preference for professional help, or believing that only mental health professionals can or should address deep-seated emotional issues, coupled with a reluctance to independently engage with discomfort.

Addressing these objections requires empathy, understanding, and often the guidance of a professional to navigate the complexities of emotional wellness.

Actionable takeaways

Some ways to start leaning into discomfort for long-term growth are:

• Identify Healthy Discomfort

• Situational versus Chronic: Try to recognize temporary discomfort during difficult conversations or growth periods, versus long-term patterns of emotional avoidance.

• Growth Mindset: Acknowledge that healthy discomfort can contain curiosity, openness, and a desire to improve.

• Body Awareness: Pay attention to physical cues. Does discomfort feel restrictive, or is there a sense of openness, even with negativity?

• Tools for Navigating Emotional Discomfort

• Mindfulness Practice: Introduce simple mindfulness techniques like observing emotions without judgment. This fosters self-awareness and non-reactivity.

• Journaling: Writing about thoughts and feelings can increase clarity and promote emotional processing.

• "Name it to Tame It:” Simply labeling emotions (e.g., "I feel anxious") can reduce their intensity.

• Give yourself time to be bored or uncomfortable without avoiding it.

• When you feel the urge to turn to something to make you feel better, like video games, scrolling on social media, drinking, weed, masturbation, etc., instead take some time to sit with your feelings and just let your mind wander.

• Gradual Exposure: Starting with small challenges and building up tolerance for discomfort over time. 

• Take a 30 day break. The first 2 weeks will be awful, but then you’ll go back to a more neutral baseline and you’ll have more power over that relationship.

• Seeking Support

• Trusted Friends/Family: Confiding in supportive individuals can provide validation and perspective.

• Support Groups: Connecting with others who understand similar experiences can reduce isolation.

• Professional Help: Seek a therapist if emotional avoidance significantly impacts your well-being or relationships. Therapists specialize in teaching emotional regulation skills.