Five stages of grief and breaking up

The Five Stages of Grief model was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and became widely known after she published her book On Death and Dying in 1969. Although she originally developed it as a framework for terminal illness and dealing with death, it has been adapted for any type of grief.

It’s important to remember that the model is not linear, and you do not move through the five stages; any of them can come at any time, and you may not experience all of them. Breakups in particular may elicit different responses depending on the type of relationship and breakup. Some may have a very long-lasting emotional response and for others, you may not feel any of the stages of grief. For each stage of grief, we’ll leave a nugget of wisdom to help if you’re experiencing it.

1. Denial

   Denial is the stage that can initially help you survive the loss. You might think life makes no sense, has no meaning, and is too overwhelming. You start to deny the news and, in effect, go numb.

   Nugget of wisdom: Ester Perel has a card game based on her podcast, “Where Should we Begin?” In it, one of the cards asks, “What is something that your ex wishes they could change about you?” For some people, that’s probably not a good idea, especially if they tend to get very down on themselves. But for others, it might be an interesting thought experiment to do, and a good way to look back at yourself and take some responsibility for parts of the relationship.

2. Bargaining

   In a way, this stage is false hope. You might falsely make yourself believe that you can avoid grief through this type of negotiation.

   Nugget of Wisdom: Do a social media purge of your ex and their family or “snooze” for 30 days on Facebook. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr, Professor and former Chair in the Department of Psychology at Monmouth University in New Jersey explains that Facebook research participants who stalked their ex’s profile more ended up having a harder time dealing with the breakup. Reports included “nagging feelings of love, continued sexual desire, more distress and negative feelings, and less personal growth post-breakup," says the expert.

3. Anger

   You find it incomprehensible how something like this could happen to you. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be, "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?" Some may lash out at loved ones.

   Nugget of Wisdom: Therapy Jeff had a reel on his Patreon (that is now open to the public) called “15 Things to Ask Yourself After a Breakup.” To help get out of an anger spiral, it might be a good idea to practice a little gratitude. Two of the things he wants you to ask yourself are, “What have I learned from this relationship that I can apply to my future relationships?” and “What is the overall narrative I want to take from the relationship and how do I want to look back on it?”

4. Depression

   Depression is commonly associated with grief. It can be a reaction to the emptiness we feel when we are living in reality and realize the person or situation is gone or over.

   Nugget of Wisdom: If you find yourself scrolling constantly on your phone and can’t get yourself to do much else during this time, consider installing a breakup app on your phone! 

   Break-up boss, Breakup buddy, and Mend, are some examples.

5. Acceptance

   In this stage, your emotions may begin to stabilize. You re-enter reality. You come to terms with the fact that the "new" reality is your partner is never coming back.

   Nugget of Wisdom: Listen back to Multiamory 365 on Heartbreak and Recovery where we discussed a lot of different ways to recover after going through a breakup. And for your next relationship, via Poly.land: Think about discussing breakups at the beginning of your relationship and hashing out whether or not there’s a specific way you want a breakup to go. That way, if the time comes, you know what to do.

Some things to remember during this process:

• The issues that plagued you during your relationship may also plague you during the breakup. 

• Even though we all want that wonderful feeling of closure, the opportunity to come to some sort of consensus and have each of you completely own up to your own shit and shortcomings probably isn’t going to happen. 

• You also may not be friends with that person again, unless you are super intentional about it from the beginning of the breakup and if that’s something the both of you really want. 

• Find a support network throughout all of this. Your friends, your family, definitely a therapist, all of that will help you work through this. 

• It really is okay to break up. You have the capacity to get through it. You are lovable and you will love again.