The anger-anxiety connection

Today we’re looking at how anger and anxiety can work in tandem to wreak havoc in our relationships. Often, anxiety triggers anger as a defensive response to perceived threats. When we feel anxious or threatened, our body's fight-or-flight response can kick in, which can lead to feelings of anger or aggression as a defense.

Additionally, anger and anxiety both involve the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which leads to similar physical sensations. When we experience anger, these physical symptoms can be misinterpreted as signs of anxiety, leading to a heightened sense of unease or panic. For example, feeling your heart race during an argument with your partner, which then triggers anxiety about the state of your relationship.

The body has a role in human stress responses for both emotions as well. The fight-or-flight response is triggered by the release of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones can cause physical symptoms associated with both anger and anxiety, such as increased heart rate, sweating, and trembling. Chronic activation of your stress response due to ongoing anger or anxiety can lead to long-term issues and be a strain on the relationship.

A few myths about anger and anxiety in relationships:

1. Myth: Anger always looks like yelling or physical aggression.

   Reality: Anger can manifest as passive-aggressiveness, stonewalling, or sarcasm.

2. Myth: Anxiety always presents as nervousness or worry.

   Reality: Anxiety can appear as irritability, controlling behavior, or perfectionism.

Root causes

Sometimes, attachment style and past relationship experiences can contribute to anger and anxiety in current relationships. Insecure attachment styles like avoidant or anxious can lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms, and unresolved trauma from previous partnerships can fuel current anger and anxiety.

Recognizing unhealthy patterns of self-directed anger and shame in relationships is a good skill to cultivate. Internalizing anger or anxiety can lead to self-blame and feelings of unworthiness. Self-compassion and self-acceptance are crucial for breaking negative cycles. It’s also good to remember that a partner should not be responsible for “fixing” or managing your emotions. This can lead to codependency and resentment.

Managing anger and anxiety in your relationship

Some helpful strategies for managing anger and anxiety are:

1. Couples therapy and individual counseling to develop healthier communication and coping skills. Some options are:

   • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help couples identify and change negative interaction patterns - Sue Johnson. 

   • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help individuals manage anger and anxiety symptoms.

   • Somatic Experiencing.

   2. Recognize it. Seeing your partner’s anger or your own can be a cue to inquire about anxiety, lending opportunity to create a softer opening for sharing each other’s emotional world. Anger might be a way for someone to seek space and control, so back off first and reconvene later.

   3. Creating a shared "relationship care plan" with agreed-upon strategies for managing anger and anxiety. For example:

• Establishing "time-outs" or cool-down periods during heated moments.

• Try Repair SHOP 234:

• Sharing fears, insecurities, and needs openly and honestly.

• Responding to a partner's vulnerability with empathy and validation.

2. Prioritizing self-care and personal growth to bring your best self to the relationship, like getting enough sleep, monitoring what you consume, etc. Try an “experiment” of stopping drinking alcohol, or caffeine, or taking cannabis, and see how it affects you. (Do it for at least a month). Medication is also an option to consider, especially in combination with therapy or counseling.

3. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to avoid over-relying on a partner for emotional regulation helps you build a diverse support system to meet various emotional needs. It also encourages a partner to have their own support network and coping strategies.

4. Addressing both anger and anxiety as a team to build a stronger, more resilient relationship is vital. View challenges as opportunities for growth and connection and celebrate progress by expressing gratitude for each other’s efforts.