Welcome back to another Q&A episode!

The questions we’re tackling during this week’s episode are:

1. “I have two long-term partners- one of them is a nesting partner (Drew), and one of them is long distance (John). I've started to realize that I'm more sexually attracted to John. I do enjoy sex with Drew, but it's a lot less charged than the sex with John, and it's much harder for me to get turned on, initiate sex, or be in the mood. I know that's par for the course when it comes to long distance vs. nesting, but I also feel like John and I just have a sexual chemistry that Drew and I never did. Recently I've found myself imagining sex with John while I'm having sex with Drew. Or, I use my sexual excitement for John to get myself in the mood with Drew. I feel really guilty about this. And I know a lot of it comes from mononormative conditioning. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay if both partners don't make me feel hot and heavy all the time. And I'm deeply in love with Drew for a billion reasons. But when it comes to sex and physical attraction, my mind goes straight to John. I have a deeper fear that I'm just not sexually attracted to Drew anymore and will have to come to terms with that. Do you guys think this is something to be concerned about? Is it shitty that I have one partner on my mind while having sex with the other?

   -Anxiously Adrift in the Middle of the Atlantic”

2. “My partner and I (both she/her) are coming up on 3 years together. I am an avoidant person, by nature and by choice, but her and I have grown incredibly close.

   Ever since I realized it's been almost 3 years, I've felt an impending sense of doom that is not substantiated by anything in reality. I feel that something terrible (possibly even a break-up) is going to happen, because the relationship seems too easy, too good to be true, and too good to be something I deserve.

   I have communicated all of this to her, and she's reassured me, but there isn't much else she can do. We are each other's first serious relationship, so it is not a matter of past romantic baggage. Basically, there are no significant problems in my relationship, so I made one up in my own head. Do you have any insight, or do I just need to wait it out?

   -In Inane Pain in Maine”

3. “How do I tell my partner I can’t do hierarchy anymore? Context: 5 years into Polyamory, I'm finding the hierarchical style is just not fitting who I see I am in this journey and I see the strife it's causing. I believe we have had conflicts that could be avoided if my partner changed his views on the practice. 

   For example, he wants to see his gf, but if he hasn't okayed it with me days in advance, then he thinks he's not putting our relationship first with me approving it, which is something I've never asked to do or want to do.

   I think I'm already practicing it mostly already, but my NP won't let go and I see him stressing out about being everything to everyone. My NP doesn't do change well and likes a set of behaviors to be followed for him and others. When I have brought up a desire to reevaluate, he thinks it will mean too much change, even though I see his style causing angst in him and me. Any tips on how to open his view without triggering fears this new style means I love him less or he thinks I will think he loves me less? 

   -Supporting an overthinker in Toronto”

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