Today’s questions are…

1. Dear Multiamory,

   I'm in a situation where I find myself truly blessed by an amazing career and two highly entangled romantic partnerships. I'm married to one of them, and hope to get married to the other someday. 

   I'm having to move for my career -which is going great, but is based over 100 miles away from where my second partner lives. I'm trying to split the distance, but it's so hard to figure out what my priorities really should be in a society inundated with monogamy and "career above all else" mindsets.

   I'm very lucky that my husband is happy to move with me and probably can find a new job pretty easily. Still, I am struggling with just how far to go for my work! I don't need to be literally next to it, just closer than my current 4-hr distance. I'm currently looking at places about 1 hr 40 minutes away from the area, which would be good for my husband's work prospects and keep me within striking distance of my other partner. But what do you think? I feel so torn 😭  

   Is it fair to keep my distance from work to be closer (still over an hour) from a man I want to marry?

   PS. Yes I have a therapist;) and we talk about this stuff! <3

   Torn in Two (she/her)

2. I have been dating Nelly for 2 years. They are a loving, kind, dependable, and fun partner. We see each other every 1-4 weeks, and we spend 1-2 days together at a time. Overall, I feel very secure in most parts of [this relationship], and I rarely worry about much related to it. 

   However, there's a major inequality that's developed: they always come to my city, home, and social circle. They regularly interact with the partner I live with, have met my friends and colleagues, and have even met some other folks I've dated. I've never met anyone in their life. Also, this feels minor, but they have never posted a public picture of me/us on their social media, even though they use social media actively, and we take plenty of cute pictures together.

   This has begun to bother me in the last year because Nelly started dating another partner that they have integrated more deeply into their life. That partner almost always comes to see them. They are now part of Nelly's friend circle, family, and life otherwise. And they regularly appear on Nelly's social media posts. I don't need to be integrated to that degree, but I want to feel included. I want to be visible in their life. I'm increasingly beginning to feel like a lover rather than a partner.

   How do I ask for more visibility?  Is this a fair thing to ask for, even when I know that it's largely prompted by jealousy toward Nelly's relationship to their other partner? Or, should I just focus on our time together (which is always great) and manage my jealousy by tuning out when they talk about their other partner and muting them on social media?

   Thank you for your insights :-)))

   Invisible in Iowa

3. How do I come to terms with the fact that being in a poly relationship means other people's choices have an impact on my life?

   My male partner's girlfriend had a pregnancy scare recently due to an issue with her birth control. This is a person I have never met and it became obvious that a life with polyamorous relationships means that people that I have not chosen to be in my life can have a great impact on it. 

   It makes it harder for me to choose how to live my life when strangers can make choices and create drama that affects me. How do I move on from this? And from the fear of being collateral damage?  

   Scared in Sweden

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