Welcome back to another Q&A…

For today’s Q&A episode, we’re answering the following questions from our Patreon supporters:

1. “Hi! CPTSD-haver here, riddled with anxiety and worry, and basically I try to foresee every possible negative outcome and prepare myself for it. The problem of course is that I'm constantly worrying about things that never happen, I over-analyze situations that were completely innocuous and part of what happens is that I also make other people nervous through my over-analyzing. I'm already working on my CPTSD, but I'm finding it hard to transfer all of the wonderful things I'm learning into my relationships. There's something about relationships that just empties my brain completely and leaves me tongue-tied and unable to state my needs, boundaries and wants in fear of being too much. It leaves me instead hanging on to every gesture, every word, every facial expression instead of just having a conversation about it. I also don't want to completely trauma dump on someone and scream at them, I'M BEING WEIRD BECAUSE OF THE CPTSD! Soooo any tips for that at all?

   -Nervous in the Netherlands”

2. “I have a strong, loving partnership of almost 1.5 yrs. We are both deeply committed to making it work but we are burdened by my mistrust and fears in the wake of many communication and disclosure missteps my partner made in our first year together. 

   Many of these incidents were products of his naivety, inexperience with ENM, and early attachment conditioning (predominantly people pleasing), but these incidents were objectively dishonest and hurtful nonetheless. He has been humble and remorseful, and has made real efforts to change his approach and behaviors since then. 

   I thought time would heal but it hasn’t. Our own therapy work hasn’t resolved the issues either. 

   What specific steps or resources or strategies or treatments could help us? 

    -Seeking Support in NYC”

3. “I'm nonhierarchical and I have two partners, each of whom are only dating me at the moment. We're all new to this, but have been very good about communication and checking in (thank you, RADAR!). We generally practice parallel poly, but my partners have met a couple times and get along well. I've been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years and my girlfriend for just under 1 year.

   Somehow, all this time, there has almost never been an occasion where I was invited to an event that both my partners were free to attend. I never had to make a decision over who to bring, because logistics made the decision for me. A friend of mine who they both know and love was having a birthday party last weekend. I brought up the situation to my boyfriend first, and he said he didn't mind skipping, I could just bring my girlfriend. So I did, and it was great! My boyfriend did say he was a little bummed to miss out on the party, but there was no resentment and we reached out to that friend to hang another time.

   I realize this is a little anticlimactic, since there was no drama and it all worked out. But I personally was pretty panicked about the situation at first, and I don't know how to handle it if another event comes up. I realize I could just attend alone, but it's nice to bring your partner, especially when you know they'd enjoy it. Ideally I'd be able to bring both, but that's not really comfortable for either of my partners. Is this conundrum just a natural part of nonhierarchical poly? Are there any best practices to avoid either partner feeling left out?

   -Lost in Logistics (or maybe Party Pooped?)”

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