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Stopping conflict spirals

When we get stuck in conflict spirals with a partner it can be hard to take a step back and think with a clear head. Today we’re talking about four different steps you can take to disengage from a partner when you’re trapped in a spiral. When you find this happening, try stopping, soothing, approaching, and then refocusing to get yourself back to a place where you can calmly revisit a conflict. As always, we worked up an acronym:

Stop

  • Find a cue that lets you know it’s time to stop, which can be difficult if you’re in a physiologically aroused state or your sympathetic nervous system is activated. This could look like:

    • Increased breath or heart rate.

    • Sweating.

    • Muscle tension.

    • Panicky or shaky feelings.

    • Increased temperature or “blood boiling” feeling. 

    • Change of tone in voice like volume, timbre, or pitch in either partner.

    • Shift in body language in either partner, including aggressive, avoidant, or collapse.

    • You can learn more about this here: 316 - Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn.

  • Some possible ways of finding your cue are:

    • For some people, if you have good body awareness, the physiological arousal itself could be your cue.

    • Use a smartwatch, checking for when your heart rate is above 100 bpm.

    • Scan for HHALTDS (horny, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, drinking/drugs, sick).

    • Scan for the 4 horsemen (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling).

  • When you find your cue:

    • Communicate that you want to stop. Some possibilities could be:

        • I need to take a break. 

        • I need 20 minutes to myself.

        • This is getting overwhelming; let’s pause for a second. 

        • I am going to take a breather. 

        • Any microscript that works for you (check out our book for more about microscripts). 

      • We do not recommend using phrases like “You need to calm down,” “You need to stop right now,” “You are getting out of control,” or doing things like walking away in silence and slamming the door behind you.

      • Check out 288 - Repair Attempts.

Take a breath

  • Soothe yourself for at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. Ideally find something unrelated to the fight to focus on:

    • A non-activating video game.

    • Physical activity. 

    • Doing something with your hands.

  • Don’t:

    • Use this time to act out and keep the fight going even from separate spaces. Don’t stomp or slam around the house, send long text messages unless previously agreed on, or sit and ruminate on your argument for when you reconvene.

  • There’s mixed recommendations on seeking out others to talk to during this time. Venting to others while you’re at the height of your activation is likely to keep you stuck in it. Seeking out support or advice from a therapist or someone you trust can be helpful for an outside perspective, but better to seek when you’re closer to a more normal physiological baseline. More about all of this, including some great reflection questions to ask yourself during this time in MA 218 - I've HALTed. Now What?

Approach

  • You might seek to partner soothe or co-regulate with the other person at this time:

    • Be careful not to get sucked back into the argument. The wrong approach can trigger the spiral again and suck you both back in. That could look like:

      • One person being ready to approach and the other one pushing them away or avoiding them, then the approacher feels hurt and rejected.

      • Bringing back content from the fight, attempts at justifying oneself, criticism (even if it’s soft).

      • The re-approach is seen as an opening in the defenses, and the other person doubles down

  • It’s ok if it’s simple:

    • “I’m sorry that we’re having a hard time right now. Can we sit together for a second?”

    • “I want you to know that I love you, and I want to figure this out with you.”

    • Closeness and touch.

  • If you’re not ready to be approached yet:

    • It’s important to still connect before stepping away.

    • “I appreciate you coming to be close to me. I still need a little bit of time to calm down. Can you give me another hour or so?”

    • “I’m not ready to be hugged yet, but can you just hold my hand for a moment?”

Refocus

  • It’s possible that just by reapproaching, you’ll have repaired the majority of what went awry, and you may not need to jump back into processing together. Often happens with nothing fights or spirals that are the product of external stress or HALT factors.

  • It may be helpful to table any further discussion for the time being and just focus on soothing and connecting together. Be specific about when you’ll revisit, if that feels necessary.

    • “It’s important to me that we keep talking about this. Is it okay if we come back to this tomorrow after dinner?” 

    • “Let’s write this down as something to look at again when we do our next RADAR/check in.”

  • A good place to start with refocusing could be on finding just one thing that you can validate about what came up for your partner during the conflict. It doesn't have to be validating or agreeing with absolutely everything. 

    • “It makes sense why you would have been caught off guard by me reacting as strongly as I did.”

    • “I think you’re right to be frustrated by X,Y,Z.” 

    • “I know that you’ve been sad about this for a while.” 

  • Remember the repair SHOP: 234 - SHOP: How to Repair After a Fight