Boo! You’ve been ghosted…

Almost everyone has been either on the giving or receiving end of ghosting nowadays, especially with the prevalence of online dating: according to this site, 82% of women and 71% of men are involved in it at some point in their lives.

Ghosting: When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.

Urban Dictionary

Why would someone ghost?

A few studies have been done and countless articles have been written on ghosting, and there are several reasons why someone might be tempted to ghost:

• It lets the person doing the ghosting avoid any negative feelings associated with actively hurting the recipient, since they’re not directly communicating their disinterest.

• It’s easy to do, especially nowadays with the “block” feature on social media.

• Nowadays, it’s a fairly normal thing to do, and people know it’s a possibility before engaging with someone.

• According to research, those who ghost are usually already fairly disinterested in the relationship.

• Typically, ghosting happens within the first six months of a new relationship.

• The lack of social connections people have in common if they meet online makes ghosting much easier and have fewer consequences.

• Frequency has bred desensitization, and if someone has been ghosted, they’re more likely to do it to someone else.

• Perceived obligation varies, and if someone isn’t feeling the same level of attachment the other is, ghosting is easier.

Pros and cons to ghosting

While it may not seem like there are pros to something like ghosting, there are some times when ghosting can be beneficial or at least not harmful.

Pros:

• Ghosting removes the need to directly communicate the desire to end a relationship, which can be a good thing, depending on the person and circumstances.

• In some situations of abuse, ghosting someone can be the safest way to end the relationship.

• Occasionally, for the person on the receiving end, a breakup can provide a necessary opportunity for self-improvement, and sometimes ghosting is the catalyst to such change.

• In some cases, the one being ghosted might not be invested in the relationship and sees the experience as a way to spare the other person’s feelings.

Cons:

• A number of studies show that the ghoster usually isn’t invested in the relationship and therefore is less distressed by the subsequent breakup, but a breakup that involves conversation and communication as opposed to ghosting allows for both individuals to feel closure.

• Ghosting someone deprives them of the opportunity to have the aforementioned closing conversation, and instead they keep wondering what they did wrong.

• Anger, sadness, feelings of rejection, depression, loss of appetite, and loss of sleep have been reported by those who have been ghosted.

• Ghosting causes the recipient to question themselves and their own personal judgment.

Ghoster and ghostee

If you’ve been ghosted, here are a few tips on how to react well:

• Evaluate whether or not you want to make contact with the person, and reach out once if you want, but don’t seek answers from them if you can help it.

• Avoid reminders of the ghost, such as blocking them on social media, deleting old texts, and not looking at old pictures with the two of you. It may be difficult, but it’ll heal the relationship wounds faster.

• Know that this may be a red flag and indicate a sign of emotional unavailability in the person. Try to consider the positive.

• Practice self care.

• Recognize that this type of disengagement strategy is a “them” problem, not a “you” problem.

If you’re the one feeling tempted to ghost someone:

• Evaluate which kind of ghost you are:

  • Avoidant - avoidant of any conflict.

  • Lazy - can’t be bothered with anything, even if it’s the fair thing to do.

  • Mean - doesn’t care about the feelings of others.

  • Half-ghost - may float back in and out of someone’s life at their leisure.

• Reflect on the relationship and consider why you feel it’s easiest to ghost this person. Also consider that telling them you’re not interested might be the kindest solution. Being direct is difficult, but ultimately usually the best way.

• If you’re in an abusive or dangerous situation, cut it off immediately. Your own health and wellbeing are the most important.