Breaking up…the intentional way

When breaking up with a partner, intentionality is the way to go. There’s a lot of uncertainty in the world right now with the COVID 19 pandemic, and a lot of people’s lives are changing, from moving in with each other prematurely to being forced to stay together because of isolation or quarantine.

“De-Couple:

to separate, disengage, or dissociate (something) from something else.”

Before actually breaking up, there are some things to consider to make a good, informed decision:

• Via Poly.land: Think about discussing breakups at the beginning of your relationship and hashing out whether or not there’s a specific way you want a breakup to go. That way, if the time comes, you know what to do.

• Dating multiple people can give you clues about how your partner acts during a breakup.

• Displacement is common during times when we have little control. Displacing emotions like anxiety etc. onto something we have better control over, which often is our relationship or partner.

• Make sure you know whether your frustration is with your partner or with the current state of the world.

If there are actual incompatibilities that you’re having to deal with that are exacerbated by spending a lot more time together, then breaking up might be the answer:

• Write out your thoughts regarding dissatisfaction in the relationship and then have a gentle discussion about them with your partner when you decide to break up.

• Remember that honesty is good, but brutality is not. Be as kind as you can when breaking up.

• Let your partner know what they meant to you and your appreciation for the relationship.

• Don’t drag out the breakup; do it cleanly and directly.

• Don’t be their support systems after the breakup. Try to talk to friends and family instead of each other for support.

What if you continue to act like a couple?

If you’re being forced to isolate together or spend time together you might find yourselves continuing to act like a couple despite breaking up. Make sure you lay down some ground rules and:

• Stop calling each other pet names.

• Refrain from intimate physical contact like kissing, hand-holding, etc.

• Don’t attend events together or as each other’s plus 1.

• If you were in a monogamous relationship, now is not the time to get jealous about the people they’re interested in.

• Figure out how to separate physically if you still live together. Spend some time physically apart if possible, even if it’s in the same house.

• If you are still carrying on like a couple, ask yourselves if you’re really broken up.

It’s not all about you

Breakups can be tough on your friends/other partners and family too:

• Try not to bring negative energy into your other relationships.

• Your partner is also losing a metamour, or your friend is in an awkward position because they are also close to your ex. Boundaries need to be set regarding this new development.

• Don’t make it the only thing you talk about for weeks on end.

• Allow them to console you, but also make sure you’re there for them and invest in your time with them.

• Remember that grieving is different for everyone, so don’t be worried if it’s easier to shift gears when you’re with your other partners and fully engage with them.

• Polyamorous breakups aren’t necessarily easier, but it is important to have a support system for any grieving process.

Can you be friends with your ex?

Many people say remaining friends with an ex is inappropriate or downright impossible, but polyamorous people are actually shown to remain friends with exes more than monogamous people. Remember:

• Even if you both want to stay friendly, make sure you give it time so you can heal before engaging emotionally again.

• Give each other time and space when you need it and respect each other’s boundaries.

• Labels can be difficult. “Ex” has a more negative connotation than “someone who I once dated and we’re now great friends.”

Remember your support system is vital, and sometimes it’s necessary to seek out more than just friends and family. Seeking therapy after a breakup is normal and offers an objective perspective that you might otherwise be missing.