The elusive unicorn

Since our episode on ethical unicorn hunting, episode 109, we haven’t tackled the concept of seeking a third partner for an existing dyadic relationship. This episode is going to address some of the latest information about unicorn hunting/seeking a third.

“For the uninitiated, the term unicorn-hunting typically describes the practice of an established couple searching for a third partner to engage in either threesomes or triads (relationships between three people). Often, though not always, the couple is made up of a straight cisgender man and a queer (usually bisexual, pansexual, or omnisexual—bi+ for short) or bicurious cisgender woman, and they’re looking for a bi+ cisgender woman who is equally attracted to both of them and interested in whatever arrangement they had in mind. The joke is that the existence of such a woman is so elusive she may as well be a mythological creature.”

You’re a Couple Looking for a Third. I’m a Potential Unicorn. Let’s Talk

Why might a couple be seeking a third, especially when first opening up a monogamous relationship?

• It may feel safer if both people in a newly opened relationship are dating the same person.

• They think the third will care for them equally.

• May feel easier to enact rules and prioritize the main couple.

• May be easier to “jump ship” and abandon the third person if things go badly.

• The promise of fulfillment of sexual fantasy.

Why might so many people in the polyamorous/non-monogamous community be opposed to unicorn hunting or believe it is unethical?

• Underlying sexism and queerphobia and how often it leads to One Penis Policies.

• Possible stipulations to only have sex with the couple, never just one person, and that a relationship with one person of the couple cannot be established independently of the dynamic.

• The couple often has time to discuss things that may be happening in the group relationship without the unicorn present, which can lead to decisions being made without the unicorn’s knowledge.

• If there are hurt feelings, the couple may be able to help each other through those feelings and leave the unicorn to have to deal with feelings on their own. 

• If/when the couple decides that this isn’t working out anymore, they can stay together and leave the unicorn and the group relationship. 

• If the couple includes a cisgender straight man and a cisgender bisexual woman, there is often a One Penis Policy rule where neither woman is allowed to have sex with another man, but the man is allowed to enjoy sex with both women. Such policies are linked to homophobia, sexism, and transphobia, since they dismiss the fact that there are genders aside from male and female, doesn’t take into account trans people, implies men without penises aren’t “real” men, and that women with penises aren’t “real” women.

Is it ever ethical?

Having a unicorn fantasy fulfilled by a sex worker is a possible solution. This article by a feminist sex worker explores hiring an independent sex worker specializing in women or couples to fulfill these fantasies. Additionally, there are many articles by women who say they enjoy being unicorns. If you’ve considered the controversies and still want to try seeking a third, here are some things that might be good to keep in mind:

• Consider how couples privilege might show up in your relationship.

• Consider if you’ve built a box that you are looking to fill or if you are giving yourself space to explore the possibilities.

• Do a critical review of your dating profiles and assess if you are objectifying folks or potentially causing harm.

“If a couple is lucky enough to encounter a woman who wants to hook up with them, they should treat her like they fully appreciate the rare and magical being that she is. That means these couples should wine her, dine her, and pay for her transit and child care so she can hang out with them. The date’s pleasure should be the primary focus of sexual encounters, and she should absolutely orgasm first. Couples should meet wherever works best for the date—do not assume she will come to the couple’s place and then be happily dismissed when they are finished with her. If a hotel room is the best place for a hook-up, then the couple should pay for it.”

Dr. Eli Sheff