Resentment is common

Resentment is a bit like jealousy; it can rear its head multiple times and dealing with it is sometimes like dealing with a full on monster. To break it down into something more manageable, let’s start with what resentment is.

“Etymologically, “resent” has come to English from French and, originally, from Latin, composed of the prefix “re-” plus “sentire” (“to feel”). Some etymological dictionaries interpret the “re-” as an intensifying prefix, but “re-” literally means “again.” People who feel resentment experience an insult again. And again. And again—for years, sometimes for decades. Few English words for emotions carry such negative connotations.”

Psychology Today

There are many other definitions of course, but some common themes they all have about resentment and how it shows up are:

• Recurring negative feelings. 

• Inability to stop thinking about the event. 

• Feelings of regret or remorse.

• Fear or avoidance.

• A tense relationship.

• Feeling invisible or inadequate.

• Inability to let go of anger.

We reached out to our Patreon group to ask what kinds of events might trigger resentment. Here’s what they had to say:

• Half truths and lying. 

• Miscommunications, assumptions, and not feeling heard. 

• Being taken for granted and support not being reciprocated. 

• Feeling manipulated.

• Feeling powerless or like I don’t have agency. 

• Jealousy and envy:

  • When I see my partner do something with someone else that I’ve asked to do with them.

  • When care/attention/assistance/accommodations are available to a metamour from a shared partner but not to me.

• Not feeling like a priority. 

• Expectations not being met: 

  • Not honoring time commitments or rescheduling often (time management came up a LOT). 

• When feedback about an issue doesn’t result in change.

Addressing resentment

When it comes to resentment, it’s best to be proactive. Nip it in the bud before it gets bad and it’s easily managed. Some preventative actions can be:

• Proactively address relationship issues as they arise, or make intentional plans to address them through a check-in or RADAR.

• Make an effort to speak up early on when something makes you uncomfortable. Make yourself a safe person for your partner to come to and express honestly. 

• Follow through on promises or agreements. Don’t make promises or agreements that you cannot sustainably uphold.

• Beware of unspoken expectations.

• Express appreciation and love for your partner in the way that lands for them. 

These things can be difficult, but they will help avoid long-term resentment. If you don’t manage the preventatives though, first rule out if this feeling is trying to tell you something. Then, there are a few tips to try to address resentment:

• Create a list of reasons why holding a grudge won’t help:

  • If you harbor anger, resentment, and even hatred toward someone else, it can impact other areas of your life negatively.

• Create a list of reasons why forgiveness can be helpful: 

  • “Be willing to consider forgiveness. Forgiving doesn’t mean you need to excuse the other person’s behavior or that you’ll forget what happened. However, it can be about letting go of all those feelings that you are holding on to.” 

  • Check out MA 342 and the bonus episode for a specific exercise for this.

• Avoid complaining to other people:

  • Sharing your anger with others over and over again is likely to fuel your anger and frustration.

• Try to look at the issue from the other person’s point of view.

• Accept that people aren’t perfect. 

• Validation of the feelings.

• Acknowledgement of harm done and apologies. 

• Time.

• Go back to the love languages, things like touch or cuddles or time together.

• Journaling. 

• Asking the person I feel resentful towards for what I want/need.

• Conscious acceptance of what my partner can/will offer.

• Going to therapy. 

• Giving yourself some sort of treat or something you need. 

• Sleep. 

• Ending the relationship.