354 - Rethinking Resentment
Resentment is common
Resentment is a bit like jealousy; it can rear its head multiple times and dealing with it is sometimes like dealing with a full on monster. To break it down into something more manageable, let’s start with what resentment is.
“Etymologically, “resent” has come to English from French and, originally, from Latin, composed of the prefix “re-” plus “sentire” (“to feel”). Some etymological dictionaries interpret the “re-” as an intensifying prefix, but “re-” literally means “again.” People who feel resentment experience an insult again. And again. And again—for years, sometimes for decades. Few English words for emotions carry such negative connotations.”
Psychology Today
There are many other definitions of course, but some common themes they all have about resentment and how it shows up are:
Recurring negative feelings.
Inability to stop thinking about the event.
Feelings of regret or remorse.
Fear or avoidance.
A tense relationship.
Feeling invisible or inadequate.
Inability to let go of anger.
We reached out to our Patreon group to ask what kinds of events might trigger resentment. Here’s what they had to say:
Half truths and lying.
Miscommunications, assumptions, and not feeling heard.
Being taken for granted and support not being reciprocated.
Feeling manipulated.
Feeling powerless or like I don’t have agency.
Jealousy and envy:
When I see my partner do something with someone else that I’ve asked to do with them.
When care/attention/assistance/accommodations are available to a metamour from a shared partner but not to me.
Not feeling like a priority.
Expectations not being met:
Not honoring time commitments or rescheduling often (time management came up a LOT).
When feedback about an issue doesn’t result in change.
Addressing resentment
When it comes to resentment, it’s best to be proactive. Nip it in the bud before it gets bad and it’s easily managed. Some preventative actions can be:
Proactively address relationship issues as they arise, or make intentional plans to address them through a check-in or RADAR.
Make an effort to speak up early on when something makes you uncomfortable. Make yourself a safe person for your partner to come to and express honestly.
Follow through on promises or agreements. Don’t make promises or agreements that you cannot sustainably uphold.
Beware of unspoken expectations.
Express appreciation and love for your partner in the way that lands for them.
These things can be difficult, but they will help avoid long-term resentment. If you don’t manage the preventatives though, first rule out if this feeling is trying to tell you something. Then, there are a few tips to try to address resentment:
Create a list of reasons why holding a grudge won’t help:
If you harbor anger, resentment, and even hatred toward someone else, it can impact other areas of your life negatively.
Create a list of reasons why forgiveness can be helpful:
“Be willing to consider forgiveness. Forgiving doesn’t mean you need to excuse the other person’s behavior or that you’ll forget what happened. However, it can be about letting go of all those feelings that you are holding on to.”
Check out MA 342 and the bonus episode for a specific exercise for this.
Avoid complaining to other people:
Sharing your anger with others over and over again is likely to fuel your anger and frustration.
Try to look at the issue from the other person’s point of view.
Accept that people aren’t perfect.
Validation of the feelings.
Acknowledgement of harm done and apologies.
Time.
Go back to the love languages, things like touch or cuddles or time together.
Journaling.
Asking the person I feel resentful towards for what I want/need.
Conscious acceptance of what my partner can/will offer.
Going to therapy.
Giving yourself some sort of treat or something you need.
Sleep.
Ending the relationship.
Transcript
This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.
Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we are talking about resentment. That may sound like a bummer of an episode, but our hope with this episode is instead to offer some potential solutions and ways that we can avoid resentment being a toxic force in our relationships and in our lives. If it's not something you are aware of, or you just try to ignore and assume it will never happen, it may come up and get you like a monster of some kind. In this episode, we're rethinking resentment and going to look into that and how we can avoid it.
Dedeker: I'm trying to think of what would be the fantasy creature that resentment is. I was trying about is there a fantasy creature that starts with our R?
Jase: Rhododendron.
Dedeker: Resentment Rhododendron.
Emily: That’s not a fantastical creature. Some sort of bird of prey maybe.
Jase: The resentment roach.
Dedeker: Oh, like a roc?
Jase: Roc's good. Roach is good. I feel like it would mean a roc, R-O-C-C, roc.
Dedeker: Yes, absolutely. Not like a rock on the ground. Like Emily said, a bird of prey. Wow. Did you know that in Wikipedia there's a whole of legendary creatures separated by the alphabet?
Emily: What are the R ones?
Dedeker: Oh, there's a lot. Let's see. Oh, we could do the Japanese word for dragon, which is ryū.
Jase: Oh, good.
Dedeker: There's a bunch of Native American mythical creatures. Oh, they put reptilian humanoid on this. Come on now.
Jase: Come on now.
Dedeker: Come on now.
Jase: That's not a monster.
Dedeker: This is from Lithuanian culture, the ragana, which is a malevolent witch. I like that.
Emily: I like that.
Jase: A ragana?
Emily: What happens?
Dedeker: Yes, the ragana resentment.
Jase: Resentment ragana?
Dedeker: Yes.
Jase: I like it.
Dedeker: I like that.
Emily: Ragana.
Dedeker: I'm into it.
Emily: There you go.
Dedeker: Resentment. Just before we even take the dive into what everybody else says, what do the two of you say? What is resentment? How do you know that you're feeling resentment versus your everyday garden variety anger, or your irritation, or sadness?
Emily: I feel like it tends to last longer than a bout of anger, or a little snippy moment with your partner. It tends to last maybe a few days or even a few weeks if it gets really rough. Also, something that I think that it is, is that it takes a lot of energy. It's a perpetual feeling. It's almost like you are continuing to stir the pot internally into a resentment stew as it were.
Dedeker: How many images can we attach to resentment?
Emily: A witchy brew.
Dedeker: Witchy is good. Based on that description though, I do like also on this list from medieval folklore, is the revenant, which is a reanimated dead, like a zombie. Maybe that's more appropriate. It keeps coming back.
Jase: Actually, I think that's great. They both have "re-" at the beginning of them, so that makes sense. The resentment zombie, or the resentment revenant. The resentment revenant, that sounds good to say. I was going to say that, resentment, it's not just one thing. It's almost like a bunch of layers that have piled on top of each other so that it builds up to this point where it's easy to dwell on it, and any little thing will just make you go from 0 to 60 in terms of being upset and being angry because it's like that resentment's already there.
It's like I already assume this person wants to hurt me, or are actively out to get me. It's so built up. It's like when you have a gong and you're warming it up, you're hitting it gently with a mallet so that it's vibrating a little bit, so then, when you get to the part of the song where you want the big-- Then you just hit it and it goes because it's already vibrating and it's ready.
Emily: Oh, I remember. That's how you use a gong.
Jase: Instead if you just hit a gong cold.
Dedeker: Neither did I. Jase is the one who wants to use a conservatory.
Emily: Yeah, you have to prep a gong.
Jase: Yes you warm it up.
Dedeker: Yes, you do. You've got to turn it on a little bit first.
Jase: Next time you watch an orchestra or something that has a gong, watch that percussionist back there. Before they're going to do it, they're sitting there warming it up. Gently hitting it. You can't hear it, but it's ready to go. Then you have whoooosh.
Dedeker: I like this. Resentment is a witch's brew. Resentment is a gong. Resentment is a zombie. I like this way of defining terms. We should always do this on Multiamory.
Jase: Different images.
Dedeker: I took a deep dive into, what are all the various ways that resentment gets defined? It's interesting. There's definitely some common themes, but from all the different sources I pulled, these definitions are a little bit different. What I pulled from a Psychology Today article says etymologically, resent has come to English from French and, originally from Latin, composed of the prefix "re-", or "re-" plus sentire, or sentire if you want me to say it like an American, which in French means to feel.
Some etymological dictionaries interpret the "re-" at the beginning of it as an intensifying prefix, but "re-" literally means "again." People who feel resentment experience and insult again and again and again for years sometimes, or for decades. Few English words for emotions carry such negative connotations.
Emily: Wow.
Jase: When you say resentment, I react. It's a strong one.
Emily: No, it's not a Four Horsemen, or is it a Four Horsemen?
Dedeker: No.
Jase: It's like the horse feed. Maybe the stonewalling horse eats.
Dedeker: Resentment is tasty oats for horses and their men.
Emily: Exactly, for the horses of the apocalypse. Here's another definition from WebMD. "Resentment describes a negative emotional reaction to being mistreated. There is no one cause of resentment, but most cases involve an underlying sense of being mistreated or wronged by another person. Experiencing frustration and disappointment is a normal part of life. When the feelings become too overwhelming, they can contribute to resentments."
Jase: Then here's a definition or a description from Psych Central. There's a quote from an article there that says, "Further back, Nietzsche developed a broader notion of resentment and considered it something that arose out of powerlessness and the experience of dehumanizing abuse. Historically, resentment has been connected to frustration, contempt, outrage, animosity, and ill will. It has been linked to relative deprivation which refers to the perception that someone is worse off than other people one compares oneself to, leading to feelings of frustration and obliteration."
Emily: Wow.
Jase: That last word surprised me in that quote there.
Dedeker: Then I also wanted to include, there was a really cool take by one of our patreons actually. I did post in the Patreon group asking people about what triggers their resentment, what situations they've been in that have triggered resentment, and then also how they've handled it, which we'll talk about in the back half of the episode. I really liked this one from one of our patreons.
"I think resentment is basically anger in debt with compound interest over time. If I'm annoyed about something and I'm able to express it straight away, then the situation is rectified and I won't continue to feel anything. If I feel I can't express that for whatever reason, the debt of resentment builds up and will absolutely poison things if not addressed." I like that as well, that resentment is also your student loan and also a poison. We're just adding all the imagery.
Jase: Yes, wow.
Emily: We don't get Uber-political on this show, and yet there is a political angle to definitions of resentment and how we view resentment, especially around times of going to the polls and listening to politicians talk about each other in a mean way. Trying to bring up all the things that the last politician did shoddily. That you should feel bad about it and that you should choose me because I'm not going to do those things that perhaps you're resentful towards this other politician for.
Dedeker: Some of this episode was a little bit difficult to research because of the fact that there's a lot of scholarly articles specifically about the ways that politicians will leverage resentment in the sense of class resentment, or racial resentment, or migrant resentment, economic resentment. All those kind of things, that
it's also an interesting ingredient in our political system as well right now.
Emily: This is from Psychology Today. They say, "People tend to apply resentment to the feelings that less powerful individuals harbor toward more powerful ones. Anger that may have accumulated for years because it cannot be directly expressed." This is kind of interesting because calling anger resentment turns social failings into individual ones, and they're simply shaming people when they object to unfair circumstances which is kind of shitty for these politicians to do but I think it's a way, as you said, to leverage this kind of political gain or manipulation.
Dedeker: Yes, and this is another nuance to our definitions of resentment that we don't go into too much in this episode but that there can be sometimes a little bit of dismissal when we label someone's emotions as resentment as opposed to anger, that sometimes it's a little bit of invalidation attached to the term resentment that there's almost this implication of, oh, they're just holding onto a grudge for no reason, it's not really valid anymore. As opposed to having more intense anger in a particular moment.
Jase: Yes. And on that note, this is from Tragedy and Resentment by Ulrika Carlsson. It says, "Indeed, my characterization come close to that of Max Scheler, who takes resentment to be the result of an inhibited vindictive urge or a suppressed indignation at an experience of injustice. For him, resentment is a phenomenon found primarily among those who suffer political oppression.
Such people must suppress their anger because their society does not provide any normative framework or practical forum wherein they could hold their oppressor accountable. Resentment thus becomes, according to Scheler, a self-poisoning of the mind, an anger fueled by a grievance that builds up as it cannot be discharged in personal revenge or accusation and retribution in some official institution."
Dedeker: I think we see that just everywhere, right? Like both on the public stage and on the internets all over, I think big and small, this sense that there's so many systems that don't actually deliver a sense of justice or a sense of fairness to us and therefore all that resentment and anger just builds, and builds, and builds, and builds, and builds, and often explodes multiple times over and over and over.
So out of all those definitions and descriptions we can see some common themes where we can start to piece together our understanding of what resentment actually is. Like you said Emily, there's a part of it where it lasts over a long period of time, it's not just in the moment, there's some sticking power to it. It seems to be recurring in nature, something that just keeps coming up over and over again.
Often the seed of it is a real or perceived unfairness or injustice or imbalance, or it could be in response to a real or perceived mistreatment or wrong. It seems like there's another threat in common here that it seems to be linked to suppressing emotion, either the resentment itself gets suppressed or the result of having to suppress other emotions like anger or frustration.
I would go so far as to say that I'm willing to bet that there's a piece of resentment that there's some similarities to how we deal with trauma as well, that I know often where there's traumatic stress often a side effect of that is this sense of coming back to the traumatic stress or the memories of it or the seed of it over and over and over again, having a hard time letting it go or moving on from it. And it seems like there's something there with the resentment as well.
Jase: Interesting, yes. Well, let's talk about how resentment shows up in real life. It can show up in things like recurrent negative feelings, an inability to stop thinking about the event just returning to it over and over again. Feeling of regret or remorse, maybe regret for yourself or regret that you chose to stay in a relationship with someone for example, or chose to even allow that person to be a part of your life, or treat you in a certain manner.
Dedeker: Yes, there was one of our Patreons in response to my questions who did mention feeling self-resentment which I thought was really interesting, which I guess is an offshoot of feeling that sense of regret or remorse around one's own choices perhaps or circumstances.
Emily: It may also manifest this fear or avoidance, or maybe even like a tense relationship with this significant other. Or perhaps you feel like you're walking on eggshells, or just things are not really copacetic between the two of you, it's going in a challenging direction. Maybe feeling invisible or inadequate, and then finally, an inability to let go of anger.
I kind of said this again, I think I have my own personal biases when it comes to this term, resentment. Because I think that personally, I'm like, you know, it just sounds like a lot of energy and time and held space for perpetuating this idea that I'm going to continue to be upset over something, and maybe it will color the way in which I treat my partner or I even exist with other humans, or something like that.
I think that it can still be a very valid thing to feel even if maybe my head initially goes to, "Oh, I don't want to be in that space personally, I need to just get over something, or move past it, or change my circumstance with another person in order to not get myself to a place of resentment." I don't know, there might be negatives and positives for feeling that way.
Dedeker: Yes, I will definitely get into that. It's good for you to point that out because I don't want anyone to think that we're saying resentment is always a bad thing. Sometimes it can be a very, very helpful thing but we'll get into that a little bit later. I wanted to ask the two of you, the times that you've experienced resentment yourselves or maybe you've been on the receiving end of somebody else's resentment, how has that felt?
Emily: Like a lack of, I think, touch or sweetness or intimacy perhaps, and again, like having somebody be angry with me for a week or a couple of weeks, even after like apologies are made and stuff like that. That sucks.
Dedeker: Right, so again like that protracted, elongated of it.
Emily: I don't tend to do that, but I have people in my life who do, and that's why I'm on the end of just get over it or deal with it instead of perpetuating their resentment internally myself.
Jase: For me, when I think about it, it reminds me of the Gottman's term of negative sentiment override where basically once sort of resentment is there, no matter what you do, it's going to be perceived negatively. If you do something neutral or make an honest mistake, whether it's perceived as intentional and malicious.
I've been on both sides of this, I have experienced relationships where it's kind of-- and it's generally right towards the end of that relationship in my experience at least, where it's like kind of no matter what I do, there's this assumption that I've done something bad by doing it. Then also I've been on the other side, where it's like the other person can't do anything right because I've gotten into this cycle of resentment. My gong is vibrating, it's all primed, all it takes is a little-- to go.
Emily: I think the perceived versus real is something that in so many of these things that we talk about on this show needs to at least be looked at to some degree. It's not saying that you're feelings aren't valid or that whatever you're going through isn't a reality, but that there are always two people who go through life together, that perhaps bring resentment to a head. I don't know, that you may perceive something in a fashion that it wasn't intended or something along those lines. I mean, it's just something to be aware of, even though I'm not saying that what you're feeling is invalid because it might be.
Dedeker: I think it's just that thing, is that both real hurts and perceived hurts and can cause very real emotions at the end of the day.
Jase: That's the thing about it, right? That's why in psychology studies they will talk about things just as being perceived, and it's when you're writing the article for the public that you have to put that real or perceived, because when it comes to our brain and our psychology--
Emily: It's still as real.
Jase: Well, there is nothing but perceived, right? That's all we have, we only get the reality that we perceive. There is no absolute reality that we can understand, so it's always perceived. It doesn't matter whether that's "true or not," and even like that concept is sort of doesn't quite apply, right?
Dedeker: Yes, that's taking us to multi-philosophery, one of our many offshoot podcasts where we can really take a deep dive into what is the nature of reality actually. When I think about resentful behaviors, it makes me think about passive-aggressive communication, because that's the whole point of it, right? Is I feel like I have to suppress or there's some reason why I can't communicate the way I feel or why I can't ask what I need, but it still needs to get out somehow, and so it comes out in a passive-aggressive way. It makes me think of when I was reading Eve Rodsky's book Fair Play, about division of household labor. She makes
this argument that if you're feeling hesitant about talking to your partner about household labor, or if you feel resigned or feel like, "No, it's not going to help anything, it's not going to change anything. I don't know how to talk to my partner about this or make requests about this."
She points out the thing is you probably already are just in a really bad way, in a very passive, aggressive way when you go to do the dishes and you're angry and sighing and stomping around in front of your partner, but you don't say anything. You're still trying to communicate what you need, just not very effectively. You can do that in more effective ways as well. We've all been there. Everybody, I'm raising both to double everything I've been there so many times over.
Jase: Yes. In the questions that we put out there to our Patreon group was also some questions about what are some real-life, examples of circumstances that might trigger resentment. Just to quickly go through, this includes things like half-truths or lying or outright lying, miscommunications or assumptions, not feeling heard. Again, the line between miscommunication and assumption and half-truths and lying really all depends on your frame of reference there.
Feeling like you're being taken for granted or your support not being reciprocated, feeling manipulated, feeling powerless, or feeling like you don't have agency. I think there might be a relation here between regret and resentment. That if you feel like you made a choice that you regret because of someone else, it can lead to resentment being directed toward that person.
I know this has come up a lot both in people I know either having had this happen or wanting to avoid this situation where say your partner gets a job that means they're going to need to move to Florida or something and you don't live in Florida. It's this, well, on the one hand, I could say, "I really don't want you to go because that's honest and I don't, but on the other hand, I don't want them to not take this opportunity and resent me for it." I could see that being tied into a lot of these.
We also have jealousy and envy. Something like, I see my-- or found out that my partner did something with someone else that I've been wanting to do with them and they haven't done with me or when extra care or attention or accommodations are made for someone else, the metamour of mine and not made for me, or even just not feeling like a priority. I've seen couples where resentment can come from how much someone goes out of their way to help and be there for their family members like their brothers and sisters, but not for their partner in the same way.
I've also seen the opposite of like this person's so generous with everyone except their family or things like that and seeing that resentment come out of that. Then expectations not being met, not honoring time commitments, or rescheduling. The time management came up a lot in the answers to this question.
Then also just like, when I feel like I'm saying something and nothing changes. We have conversations and nothing changes, we're getting stuck in this rut and that can lead to that. I think it's related back to powerlessness, of that feeling of like, well, everything I'm doing isn't working and so I start to develop this resentment feeling.
Dedeker: Let's talk about what the research says. Again, it is a little hard to find studies on this topic not because it hasn't been studied, it's been studied extensively. It's just, it's a very broad emotion to study and there's a lot of discrepancies about what are we actually looking at here? Are we looking at trauma? Are we looking at anger? Are we looking at sadness? Are we looking at strife? Are we looking specifically at politics and things like that?
I'm going to read from an article written by an Antonio Contreras writing for Psych Central and they're referring to the facial feedback theory of emotions, which suggests that our facial expressions not only are the results of our emotions, but also they can influence our emotions as well. They said, "Resentment doesn't show in our facial expression in a generalizable way, the way that our primary emotions do like sadness, fear, disgust, joy, things like that.
Even when it's rooted in anger, strong facial emotions, universally experience. I've observed many people manifest resentment in an almost imperceptible way as if they're hiding what they feel. I wonder if resentment is really an emotion or an emotional process in its own right since it needs to be uncovered and dissected before it can be dissolved." I think that lays out the foundation of why it's a little bit hard to study is because there is some debate about-
Emily: If there's layers to it.
Dedeker: Yes. There's so many layers to it. What actually is it? it's still a little bit confusing, seemingly a little bit unclear from a research standpoint.
Emily: Like I said before, it really does take two to tango. So much resentment can happen from the one person doing something and then that causes the other person to do something and you get in this resentment cycle almost perhaps.
Jase: Yes. By the way, this research about the whole facial expressions-
Emily: You love this Jase.
Jase: -causing emotions, not just being caused by them is something I became fascinated with years ago and went down a rabbit hole several years ago about that. It's really interesting stuff.
Emily: Yes. Now we're going to talk about resentment forgiveness and attachment style. There was a study published in the American Journal of family therapy in 2017, called, Can't Shake It Off: Attachment Moderates the Link Between Hostility and Forgiveness. The study was primarily linked to hostility and relationships, which is the intentional means used to convey frustration, anger, and feelings of being upset by one's partner. The study is authors define resentment as such, benevolence is the ability to forgive, and resentment is the inability to forgive.
Ooh. It's important to be thinking about forgiveness here because willingness to forgive and be forgiven has been identified as one of the most important characteristics contributing to high levels of marital satisfaction in longevity. We've talked about that in previous episodes. We've talked about how you don't have to forgive, but there are studies done that if you do forgive, it might help out your state of being in your relationship satisfaction, et cetera, et cetera. Not always
Jase: It's 342 if you want to go check it out, 342.
Emily: There you go. There's Jase's episode, well done. Okay. Yes, there's a lot to unpack there. Even in that first little segment right there that we just talked about.
Jase: Yes but I think the key parts there is that they use this term hostility and that just means intentionally trying to communicate frustration, anger, or being upset. They don't quite clarify whether that's how healthy or not healthy those ways are, but it's like I'm actively expressing the fact that I'm mad or frustrated or upset.
Emily: It all just comes back to communication. That's all that we're trying to do with one another, even though we do it in bad ways, honestly, it's like, I feel bad and I don't know how to say that. I feel bad and so I'm going to do it in this passive, aggressive manner and being resentful of you.
Jase: This study was a questionnaire-based study that was given to 257 participants and we're going to go over some of the things that they found. One is that they found forgiveness tends to become harder to do, that becomes more difficult as the intensity and the duration of the hostility increases. I thought that one was interesting. I'm assuming this means harder to forgive the person who was hostile, and that makes sense. It's just like the more mad they were or the longer they were mad for, it's harder to forgive them about it.
This also could come the other way like the longer I was expressing anger about it, the harder it is for me to forgive. I'm not sure which one they mean here. They also found that high hostility is correlated with lower levels of relationship satisfaction not really surprising there. Poor relationship outcomes, which I'm assuming they just mean breaking up by that.
I can’t–I don’t quite know how they define it, and then poor health outcomes, which this relates back to that episode 342, where we talked about forgiveness and not forgiving and harboring resentment can have some negative health impacts there. Then also this one, so individuals who perceive receiving again, perceive because that's all that exists, doesn't matter if it's or not.
It's always a perception. Individuals who perceive receiving more hostility from a partner were much more likely to be higher in resentment toward that partner. That answers my question from that first one there. It's like how intense and how long the hostility was from the other person, it's more likely to make your resentment and it's harder to forgive.
Dedeker: Then the interesting part is they also were looking at attachment style and how that influences this. They found that partners who were higher in avoidant attachment were also less likely to benevolently forgive a partner, particularly in perceived instances of hostility. If you're more avoidant, you're less likely to forgive in the face of a partner being hostile to you.
Jase: That makes total sense.
Dedeker: They also found that the relationship between hostility and feelings of resentment was moderated by anxious attachment tendencies. It suggests that partners who are in a relationship with a relatively low level of hostility are more likely to feel resentment after a hostile interaction if they're more anxiously attached to their partner.
Emily: Dammit Dedeker, it's like speaking a lot of truths right now.
Dedeker: Does that match your lived experience?
Emily: Yes.
Jase: Right. Just to clarify that. First one we were talking about is avoidant attachment less is likely to forgive a partner, particularly in hostility and now this is
about anxious attachment is more likely to feel resentment after.
Emily: Even if there's a low level of hostility in the relationship, if there's an instance of hostility, the anxious attached person is much more likely to feel resentment-
Jase: Got it.
Emily: -from that singular instance. However, they also found that the protective effect of a more securely attached relationship was not present in the context of receiving large amounts of hostility from a partner, which also makes sense. If you're securely attached, doesn't matter how securely attached you are if you're being a big old jerk all the time.
Jase: Or if they're being a big old jerk to you, even though you're a securely attached person, then you're still going to feel resentment as you should. I guess that goes back to what Dedeker was saying earlier. It's like, sometimes it's not like this feeling is always bad. There are times when this is an important message that your mind and body are telling you.
Emily: This is a quote from the study. The findings from this study suggest that clinicians with clients who are struggling to forgive their partners may do well to assess levels of insecure attachment, to see if insecure attachment could be playing a role in the difficulty to forgive and that that attachment-focused treatment modalities could potentially be effective treatment options in these cases. Interesting. That makes sense.
There are limitations of the study. Much of the present sample was homogenous in areas of gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, race, age, and student status. As usual, it's a bunch of white students.
Jase: It's a bunch of college students.
Dedeker: It was a bunch of college students. The age range was a little bit wider. It was 18 to 44. I didn't see what the distribution on that was, but at least that was the range. I just feel like, I don't know, we should come up-- Maybe not on our listener's time. We should come up with a term that's just shorthand for yes, the study was limited so that we can just drop that in so people know the whole gist, and then we can point out anytime.
Emily: Appropriate script as it were.
Dedeker: Maybe making a microscope around it and then we can point out any time where it's like, "Oh, they actually found a quite diverse sample this time around." We'll workshop that one.
Emily: Yes, and they were monogamous people.
Jase: And they were monogamous people or through that lens.
Emily: Correct.
Jase: I was just going to say what if we went the opposite direction and instead like we often do whenever we're talking about TV shows or movies, when we take a little aside to talk directly to the researchers. We'll just go, "Hey, Dr. Whoever, just wanted to let you know that these are some limitations and I think you should work on that for next time."
Emily: Totally.
Jase: It's like grading a paper right, it needs improvement in this area.
Dedeker: Oh, that's good. I'm sure they'll really appreciate that from us.
Jase: Yes. They'll love it.
Dedeker: From we three chuckleheads. Anyway, we're going to take a quick break to talk about the ways that you can help support this show, help keep this information coming to everybody for free. Then once we get back, we'll be talking about what we actually do about feelings of resentment. We're back. This half of the episode we're going to be talking about, "Okay, great. What do we actually do about resentment?" It doesn't feel great. Not a lot of people enjoy that feeling and so do we fix it? Do we not? Does it mean something? Are we broken if we feel it?
Emily: No.
Dedeker: The first thing to bear in mind is that, as we said earlier, resentment can be a double-edged sword. Of course, it can drain life out of you. It can drain joy out of you, but it could also be a signpost that's pointing you toward areas of dissatisfaction in your life or in your relationships that can be addressed, or maybe some past harms that can be mended.
Again, if you're feeling resentment, it doesn't mean you're a horrible, awful, toxic person. It's not your individual failing that you're feeling resentment. It's just often it's trying to tell you something and you can feel resentful and love at the same time for somebody. It's not always just one or the other.
Jase: Let's start with the first approach we'll talk about, which is the preventative approach AKA nip it in the bud.
Emily: What is nip it in the bud? Because I always think of a sexual type thing with that.
Dedeker: No.
Jase: Oh, goodness. What?
Emily: Is that not it?
Dedeker: No.
Jase: It's like about flowers or something.
Dedeker: Yes. Like you have a bad weed that's going to grow and so you nip it in the bud.
Emily: Got it.
Dedeker: Right when it's budding, you're just like, "Nope. No, not going to let it grow." It's about being a good gardener of your heart.
Emily: That's better. Got it. Thank you. Sorry.
Dedeker: Add that to the list of images for resentment.
Jase: If we're going to garden our heart, so arguably the best approach to avoiding resentment is to create an environment and good practices that discourage those feelings of resentment from starting in the first place. To gp back to communication, like Emily said earlier, it's all about communication.
Emily: This podcast is all about – ok.
Jase: It truly is. The first one of this is just proactively addressing relationship issues when they arise or making intentional plans to address them regularly, such as a regular monthly, check-in like a radar or something like that. This goes back to what Dedeker mentioned from the book about household chores of that thing of you might feel like you don't want to talk about it, but you're already communicating about it, but in an ineffective way. Being more intentional and proactive about that, and at least for me, doing it at a regularly scheduled time, instead of trying to do it in the moment, is just 10 billion times better.
It's just such a better way to go about it. Make an effort to speak up early. That doesn't necessarily mean right in the moment. It could be. I'm going to speak up right now in something and maybe you can just nip it in the bud, as we say about gardening. Maybe you could just do that right then, and it'll be fine, but you could also save it for your next radar, but it's still within a relatively short period of time. You're not waiting years of getting upset about this thing. Make a note of it. Make sure that you bring it up next time you talk about it.
Then part of that too, on the other side, is making yourself a safe person for your partner to come to and express things to you honestly. Working on, and we've talked about this on several other episodes, but about being someone who can take some criticism or some feedback without immediately getting defensive or reactionary. Again, making yourself this safe person that they can bring that to. Even if you ultimately disagree, at least being a safe person to start that conversation.
Dedeker: Something else that can help prevent resentment from arising in the first place is just following through on your promises or your agreements. Part of that is also not making promises or agreements that you cannot sustainably uphold. That can be a little bit tricky. It requires being a little bit real with yourself, with your own limitations on time, energy, willingness. It can be related to your own personal boundaries. Things like saying no or renegotiating something, instead of just always saying yes to every single ask or every single obligation.
Brene Brown even talks about this. She says compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to and when say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment. When we don't set healthy boundaries, we're easily ticked off by other people's requests and expectations. We don't know how to say no and then we begin to feel resentment towards the other person and blame them for triggering the feelings in us.
Emily: Oh, Dedeker and Brene Brown just like throwing the truth bombs all over the place.
Dedeker: Emily, no, I know you've talked a lot about in the past saying yes, yes, yes, I guess to everything, but there's been a lot of growth there.
Emily: I hope so.
Dedeker: I think both from what you talk about and also what I think I've seen from the outside.
Emily: Thanks. Maybe in not great ways, but perhaps so that's the first step, is just being able to say no and maybe not as good of a way as you would. It's better than just being resentful. Then the next step is learning to say no in a healthy way and creating boundaries.
Dedeker: I think that's a good lesson.
Jase: I heard an interesting story related to this, not even in a romantic relationship. This woman was telling a story about how she was organizing a retreat for people. She was really overwhelmed at this time and really stressed and just felt like there was so much she needed to keep track of. She was with her assistant or someone else working with her at a grocery store buying supplies for this event, and the person bagging it, as they pulled out the bag, it ripped a little bit and they sheepishly looked up, but kept putting stuff in it.
She said that in her head, she immediately spiraled into this like, "Oh gosh, I'm so stressed out. I need to remember to remind the person picking up this bag that it's got a rip in it and so it might fall." All this like, "I've got to manage this thing." Then she said like, "Right, while I was in the middle of this, the other person who was with me said, "Oh, hey, that bag has a tear in it. Could you get a new one?" They were like, "Oh yes, no problem." Did it and it melted her brain. She was like, "Oh my gosh, there was this really simple solution of just asking for someone to help me that didn't even occur to me. It was not even in my realm of reality of what I could have done in that situation."
Emily: So many of us do that. We create the hardest solution for ourselves to a simple problem.
Jase: Because we're afraid to ask for someone to do something for us, even if it's so minor and inconsequential like that for them. It was a huge consequence for you, but there is really small consequence for them of like, "Oh yes cool. I'll grab another bag."
Emily: When we're nipping things in the bud, we should beware. Beware of unspoken expectations. This is particularly important for non-relationship escalator
folks but I think it's important for everyone. Use that relationship anarchy smorgasbord which was Multiamory Episode 339 just so that you have it all out on the table and your smorgasbord about what it is that you want and don't want out of this relationship.
What are the things that you're willing to bring, what are the things that are off the table? Because otherwise, or maybe expectations that you're not aware of, then that spirals out of control and gets you into a potentially dicey situation. This is from Jennifer Halbrook writing on medium. She said, "Unspoken expectations are preconceived resentments.
When you expect something but don't voice it you are likely frequently disappointed. When this happens repeatedly that disappointment turns into resentment and also from them you and your partner don't have to wholly accept one another stated expectations. However, voicing them is always the first step in establishing a mutual understanding. Negotiations or compromises can follow this until both parties are in agreement. It's only then that they can be met."
I think also it's really important to express appreciation and love for your partner in a way that lands for them. A lot of us will do it, will express things like that in a way that will land for us, and we expect that it's going to land in the same way for them and that may not always be the case.
I think learning each other's love languages, what really makes your partner tick, and what makes them excited and happy that's very important in terms of expressing love and appreciation for them.
Jase: Yes, we recognize that all of this is much easier said than done, but I think just being aware of it can help. Hey, you know what? To help you out with this we made this podcast called The Multiamory Podcast with a whole ton of episodes which we're all trying to with this problem because we go through it too. This isn't just easy. It's not like, "Oh, I learned that, now I have no problem." That's why we've been doing this podcast for seven years.
Dedeker: What if the resentment is already there? What if I'm already steeping in it like a fine tea-
Emily: You probably over-steeped that tea.
Dedeker: Yes, I'm already stewing in it like a witch's brew.
Jase: You are the water in this analogy?
Dedeker: No.
Emily: No, I think you are the teabag.
Jase: Wait, no. I thought you said you're steeped in it.
Dedeker: Yes, you're steeped in it. I think in more like-
Jase: Does the teabag steep in the water or does the water steep with a teabag in it?
Emily: The chicken or the egg, Jase, I don't know.
Dedeker: See, I was thinking more I'm like a carrot in a stew. Like a witch's stew that no one wants to eat.
Jase: Right, resentment stew?
Dedeker: Yes, resentment stew. You got it.
Jase: You are a carrot in it?
Dedeker: Yes.
Jase: Okay, got it. Then-
Dedeker: Well, first things first is again I don't want to encourage anyone to just invalidate themselves right away. I think like you talked about Emily that sometimes it's hard to do a balance because, on the one hand, you don't want to hold a grudge, you don't want to waste all your time and energy just holding on to anger but also at the same time if there's something really important going on you don't want to just throw that in the garbage.
I think the first thing first is to ask yourself, is this feeling trying to tell me something? If this feeling had a voice, what would it say? Is it prompting me to some kind of action? Sometimes feelings of resentment can get worse if they're also being suppressed or denied on top of that and so it's important to acknowledge your feelings, maybe even try labeling your feelings, you can check out our Episode 348 to talk about different ways of putting your feelings into words.
I think that's going to give you some clues to see if you need to speak up about something ideally, once you're feeling more calm and collected and maybe have some clarity by asking yourself some of those questions. Maybe you've already done that, maybe there's even already been a resolution between you and your partner or maybe you're just in a situation where there just is no resolution. Unfortunately, sometimes that happens.
I think especially for instance after maybe a bad breakup where you don't get to have the closure talk that so many people think is going to solve all their problems or solve the resentment or you don't get the apology from them that you were hoping and you're just there with the resentment. We have a couple of tips specifically from a life hack article for releasing resentments.
Jase: The first of these is appealing to your own logical brain. That is to make a list of all the reasons why holding this grudge or holding on to this resentment isn't going to help you. It's stuff you can go back and listen to our forgiveness episode about this. We've also talked about some in this episode, but basically, if you're harboring anger and resentment or hatred toward someone else, it negatively impacts a lot of areas of your life.
It can have health impacts, it's distracting, you're constantly preoccupied with it. I think this list would be fairly easy to come up with but can still be helpful as a reminder to yourself just to get yourself in that mindset of like, "Wait a minute, I'm hurting myself not them by doing this."
Emily: Also if you're in a non-monogamous relationship you could potentially be hurting your other partners.
Jase: Yes, or even if you're monogamous you could be hurting other people in your life, your friends, your co-workers because you're holding on to this resentment for someone else. You've created this list of reasons why holding on to this won't help you and then you make a list of reasons why forgiveness could help you. Just being willing to consider that option and
Just to reiterate some stuff we talked about back in 342 is that forgiving does not mean letting someone off the hook, it doesn't mean making excuses for them, it doesn't mean going back to how that relationship used to be or letting them continue to do this thing. It doesn't mean any of that, but it does have to do with this letting go of the feelings you are holding on to and finding that forgiveness for yourself to let go of those negative things that you just made the list about a second ago and to be able to let go of that for yourself.
Dedeker: Another thing is to avoid complaining to other people because sharing your anger with other people over and over and over again is going to feel more of that resentment and more of that frustration. Now I think this is different if you're sharing with a professional for instance if you're sharing with your therapist or your coach or your counselor that hopefully there's someone that can help you get things maybe a little bit objectively, take a deep dive, maybe ask some of those questions about what the resentment may be trying to tell you.
I do think that this is a little bit of a warning sign. I know that when I think about a lot of my past relationships when it got to that point where I feel like I can express my frustrations to my partner and how it'd be received and so my only option is to then just call up and vent and complain to everybody else. That's often a sign of maybe a little bit of a red flag that something different needs to happen.
Jase: Yes. Maybe the difference between I'm talking to this person because I want their help making a decision versus I'm just venting. We all know that difference where it's like, "I'm not going to do anything about this besides vent about it but that's what I'm doing right now."
Dedeker: Yes. You can also try to look at the issue from the other person's point of view. This is another good journaling exercise while you're here making lists of reasons why holding the grudge isn't going to help you and why forgiveness might be helpful to you that you can also do a practice of writing out what's the other person's point of view on this.
If you were trying to be as objective as possible or maybe as compassionate and generous as possible, what might they be thinking and feeling about the situation, what might they be wanting here? Then the last one here is to accept that people aren't perfect. Talk about easier said than done. I think something that's interesting is the fact that we really struggle with this concept of forgiveness and when is it appropriate and what does it actually mean?
The reality is that we both give and receive forgiveness literally every single day in our human relationships, often for very small things for like the small imperfections that our partner has or that our mom has or that our best friend has or the times that they get under our skin or the times that we get under their skin. We are constantly in this little maybe even micro forgiveness pattern that is just a part of human beings. Sometimes connecting to that and connecting to the fact that you're not perfect and this other person isn't perfect could be helpful as well.
Emily: Finally, we asked our Patreon community what helped them release feelings of resentment. Here's what they had to say. They said, validation of the feelings, the feelings of the other person if they're resentful towards you, and maybe validation of your own feelings if you're resentful towards another. Also, acknowledgment of harm done and then apologizing for it. Just time in general, time heals all wounds as they say. Maybe not all but some and so maybe just sometimes healing that resentment is time. Also, things like going back to love language which I briefly touched on. Doing things like touch or cuddles or time together or maybe telling someone how great they are and how much you appreciate them, things like that, journaling which Dedeker just went over quite a few journaling exercises so that's something that you could do. Also asking the person that you feel resentful towards for what you need and what you want. Asking them, "Can you do these things for me? Are there ways
in which we can sort of change this outcome that seems to be happening over and over again and where can we shift the narrative?"
Jase: Yes. Again, with the dishes thing. You're huffing doing the dishes, maybe try asking in a more concrete way and see where that gets you, or at least see if that starts down a road towards something more productive.
Emily: There you go. Also conscious acceptance of what a partner can or will offer because yes, some partners may not be able to do everything that you ask of them and that's okay. I think that's where compromise comes in and acknowledgment of like, okay, these are the things that I feel like I can really do, and let's start there and see what happens.
Jase: I feel like sometimes that's even really helpful and liberating. It's just to get a clear answer from your partner of like, "No, I'm not willing to do that." Or, "I can't do that for some reason." That it's like, okay, maybe that's not the answer you wanted but you can--
Emily: At least I know.
Jase: Right. I can't help avoid this resentment. It's like they're not doing this, depending on their answer but they're not doing this not out of some, like taking me for granted or whatever but this is like something they consciously don't want to do. Maybe we can find a different solution or maybe I just stop expecting that and I get that somewhere else or it really depends on the situation. That can be really powerful even if the answer is no.
Emily: Yes. Going to therapy or a counselor or a coach, something like that can definitely help release feelings of resentment. Then giving yourself some sort of treat or something that you need a pampering day perhaps, a foot massage. Jase like, "I had a lovely weekend alone for the first time in months and months and months. I just had some chocolate and wine and watched a movie I wanted to and got in the bath and it was awesome. I would recommend stuff like that."
I also sleep or any of the things on halt. We talk about halt all the time, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, drunk, any of those things to address that because perhaps those are things that you need in that moment. I definitely get more resentful and more, just down in the dumps emotionally in general, if I'm really, really tired so perhaps address.
Jase: That's huge.
Emily: Oh it's so huge.
Jase: Oh, sleep is so huge.
Emily: Yes. Sleep is huge and then finally ending the relationship. As we say on this show over and over again, it's okay to break up. Sometimes that is the thing that is going to release the resentment, or at least help you move past it to a degree. Maybe the two of you just are not right together and you can't come to a compromise that is beneficial for both of you. That's okay. It's okay to break up.
Jase: Suppose maybe as a call back to our episode from last week, even if it's not breaking up, maybe it's not living with this person.
Emily: That's true.
Jase: Maybe it's like, "Hey, we're not the best fit for living together, but we're great in all these other ways. Let's just actually address that." That takes a lot of communication and being intentional.
Dedeker: What have we learned? Resentment is a zombie. Resentment is a witches brew. Resentment is a role of tasty oats for some horses. Resentment is a gong that's all warmed up.
Jase: All warmed up. Yes.
Dedeker: We got just got to find ways to release those reverberations into the air and put those oats to better use feeding some rescue horses.
Jase: Yes. Instead of the horseman of the apocalypse of relationships, some rescue horses. That's great. I like that.
Emily: Love that. Love that.
Dedeker: Okay, folks. In our bonus episode, we're going to be talking about a wackadoodle study from the '80s about resentment and shame and laughter in particular. Stick around for that if you're one of our Patreons. This week on our Instagram, we want to hear from you. What triggers meant for you? You can find that on Instagram stories. The best place to share your thoughts about this episode with other listeners is on the discussion thread in our private Facebook group or discord chat.
You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to patreon.com/multiamory. In addition, you can share with us publicly on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Multiamory is created and produced by Jase Lindgren, Emily Matlack, and me, Dedeker Winston. Our episodes are edited by Mauricio Balvanera. Our social media wizard is Will McMillan. Our production assistants are Rachel Schenewerk and Carson Collins. Our researcher for this episode is M. Maze. Our theme song is Forms I Know I Did by Josh & Anand from the Fractal Cave EP. Full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com.