Questions from our listeners!

We’re back with another Q&A episode addressing some of our listeners’ questions. Throughout this episode we’re discussing issues surrounding nesting with partners and different nesting styles, how to navigate different communication styles and narratives, future planning for new relationships to avoid accidental hierarchy, rediscovering a sexual relationship after long periods of not being sexual, and how to recognize when you might be polysaturated.

Throughout this episode we’re discussing the following:

Nesting woes

“My partner, meta and I are navigating nesting in a whole new way for us. Could you all talk about different styles of nesting? Specifically ones that involve having multiple homes?”

Nesting together can be difficult, so we go over some different nesting perspectives and styles, including living apart together, nomadic nesting, and co-living/commune situations.

Different narratives and communication styles

“My girlfriend and I are very in love and currently long-distance. I feel excited about building a future together (moving to be in the same city, living together etc.) but she's not much of a planner and finds thinking about the future hard. I don't think these are steps to be taken soon or lightly, but I think this imbalance is causing my jealousy to flare up! 

Tl;dr I think I'm getting attached to one version of the future (which involves life-building with her) but feel competitive with her other possible futures!”

Certainty about the future can be stressful, especially if one person needs a lack of planning to feel secure. We discuss some ways to address the future that may alleviate some of the stress for everyone involved.

“I'm a straight man, have been calling myself poly since February but have realistically leaned toward non-monogamy for most of my dating life. I currently have no other partners besides my primary, while she is part of a throuple involving a man and a woman. I am trying to make peace with the insecurities that come with my female partner generally getting more attention than me (which I recognize is probably just a fact of poly life). In addition, I'm not particularly kinky and do not consider myself queer, so I've been having a challenging time finding community as a straight poly man. It has been getting better, but I find that I still feel a lot of insecurity about this, even though I know this is right for me. All hosts, but particularly Jase as the male host, how did you handle these insecurities when you started out? Do you have any practical tips for finding a poly community you fit into when just starting out? Thank you all!”

Discovering community is an integral part of our lives, and overcoming insecurities is difficult, so we discuss finding community that de-emphasizes dating as a good way to start out, how men are socialized to be more predatory and how to combat that, and more.

Unintentional hierarchy, demisexuality, and polysaturation

“How can I prevent new partners from feeling secondary? I have no intention of a primary/secondary structure (I more closely follow relationship anarchy) but I have a partner I’ve been with for 5 years and I understand why new partners may feel secondary, so I’d love advice on how to help them feel secure without exclusivity. Also, is there a way to cohabitate without creating feelings of primary/secondary?”

When monogamy is our social norm, unlearning certain behaviors and interactions related to couples privilege and hierarchy is challenging. We have some communication tips to open up that dialogue with a new partner and talk about some other insight and perspectives in these situations.

“How do I go about having sex again after a prolonged period of not doing so? 

As a demisexual, I just have not been feeling very sexual for a bit. I have negotiated two beautiful relationships with new partners this year, and we have yet to jump into the sexual realm. 

I am now feeling the desire to be sexual with them, but I just don’t know where to start. I’ve never been here before, where I just feel stuck! Do we just schedule time for sex? Where do we begin? Ahhh! Help!”

Although none of the hosts are demisexual themselves, during this episode we discuss some ways to rediscover what being sexual might look like for someone, how leaning into structure may help or not help, negotiating together, setting aside time for sex without expectations, and more.

“How do you all recognize when you’re polysaturated?

How much of it is lack of interest in additional relationships because you feel fulfilled with your current relationship landscape? How much is being aware that you’re at capacity and can’t offer the time and energy needed to establish and maintain a relationship? Does it depend on what type of relationship you’re considering? For instance, would you describe yourself as polysaturated when you might be open to a comet or FWB, but not open to a more enmeshed type of relationship?”

For this patreon question we have a conversation about semantics, how a full life should include relationships that aren’t romantic, an rubric to evaluate if you’re saturated or not, and more.