Your loved one has come out as non-monogamous. Now what?

Chances are, if you’re reading this or listening to this episode, you’ve had a loved one come out to you about being non-monogamous (or polyamorous, in an open relationship, consensually non-monogamous, relationship anarchist, or any of the myriad of terms out there for some type of non-monogamy). You may be feeling confused, afraid for their wellbeing, or maybe you’ve never even heard the term before now. Luckily, this episode is a back to basics where we go over non-monogamy as a whole and address some of the common concerns people usually have when a loved one comes out as non-monogamous.

What is non-monogamy?

Non-monogamy (or nonmonogamy) is an umbrella term for any intimate relationship that does not strictly hew to the standards of monogamy, particularly that of having only one person with whom to exchange sex, love, and/or affection. 

In that sense, "nonmonogamy" may be accurately applied to extramarital sex, group marriage, or polyamory. It is not synonymous with infidelity, since all parties are consenting to the relationship structure, partners are often committed to each other as well as to their other partners and cheating is still considered problematic behavior with many non-monogamous relationships.

Common misconceptions

Some common misconceptions about non-monogamy are:

• It’s just a “sex thing.”

• Concern about your loved one being more at risk for STIs:

• Visit https://www.multiamory.com/sources to view the study A Comparison of Sexual Health History and Practices among Monogamous and Consensually Nonmonogamous Sexual Partners. (2015), which found that people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships had the same or lower rate of STIs as their monogamous counterparts. 

• Non-monogamy is just a phase.

• Non-monogamous people are just afraid of commitment. 

• My loved one is just engaging in this to “fix” a relationship issue with their significant other. 

• Non-monogamy is bad for kids and leads to an unstable family structure.

• The Polyamorists Next Door by Dr. Eli Sheff has a lot of information on research concerning children, family, and polyamory.

If your loved one has decided to come out to you, chances are it’s because they love you and want you to be happy for them and their life journey. Some of the common themes from our listeners about coming out we distilled into these advisory points:

• Sometimes a level of comfortability around non-monogamy is just going to take time. We’ve heard patrons of our podcast who say that their parents have commented on how much happier, freer, and more themselves their children are now that they are living a non-monogamous lifestyle. 

• If you say you will be there for your kid “no matter what,” stick to that sentiment, even if non-monogamy is not the relationship path you originally envisioned for your child. 

• Remember, even though it may feel like this decision is in some way about you, it’s not. It’s easy to feel like your loved one is somehow telling you that YOUR choices about relationships are wrong. Remember that they are making a choice about them that reflects their values and hopefully will enable them to live as authentically as they possibly can. 

• If you have questions for your loved one, take some time to formulate your thoughts and then thoughtfully and respectfully ask them. Try to emotionally regulate before discussing a charged subject!

• A lot of our listeners commented on only telling the people in their lives who they deem “important enough to tell.” So if you are one of those people, congratulations, that means you are a vital part of your loved one’s life! They want to be open and honest with you about something that means a great deal to them.

Regarding the future and what it holds

When fielding questions that may come up regarding your loved one’s relationship status:

• Discuss with your loved one how open and out they want to be to other people. This is private information about their personal life. 

• Don’t accidentally “out” your loved one to another person (or on social media) especially if they are worried about any ramifications of them being out to the world at large. 

  • Some people may want to be more out and may encourage you to speak about their relationship as openly and honestly as possible. Gauge your own levels of comfortability regarding how open you want to be with others.

• If your loved one has multiple partners, consider inviting all of them to a family gathering. Try not to single out only one partner of theirs and view them as the “real one.”

Remember that coming out may have been a very scary step for your loved one to take. This may have been months or even YEARS in the making. There are so many reasons why a person may choose to not come out which may include: 

• Discrimination against their choices and relationship style. 

• Possible repercussions to their job or housing (non-monogamy isn’t a protected class). 

• Possible custody battles with conservative family members. 

• Fear of being cut out of the lives of friends and family.

Taking the time and energy to educate yourself about non-monogamy is a great first step in accepting your loved one. Thank you for caring for your loved one and making an effort!