432 - The Episode to Share With Your Parents
Your loved one has come out as non-monogamous. Now what?
Chances are, if you’re reading this or listening to this episode, you’ve had a loved one come out to you about being non-monogamous (or polyamorous, in an open relationship, consensually non-monogamous, relationship anarchist, or any of the myriad of terms out there for some type of non-monogamy). You may be feeling confused, afraid for their wellbeing, or maybe you’ve never even heard the term before now. Luckily, this episode is a back to basics where we go over non-monogamy as a whole and address some of the common concerns people usually have when a loved one comes out as non-monogamous.
What is non-monogamy?
Non-monogamy (or nonmonogamy) is an umbrella term for any intimate relationship that does not strictly hew to the standards of monogamy, particularly that of having only one person with whom to exchange sex, love, and/or affection.
In that sense, "nonmonogamy" may be accurately applied to extramarital sex, group marriage, or polyamory. It is not synonymous with infidelity, since all parties are consenting to the relationship structure, partners are often committed to each other as well as to their other partners and cheating is still considered problematic behavior with many non-monogamous relationships.
Common misconceptions
Some common misconceptions about non-monogamy are:
It’s just a “sex thing.”
Concern about your loved one being more at risk for STIs:
Visit https://www.multiamory.com/sources to view the study A Comparison of Sexual Health History and Practices among Monogamous and Consensually Nonmonogamous Sexual Partners. (2015), which found that people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships had the same or lower rate of STIs as their monogamous counterparts.
Non-monogamy is just a phase.
Non-monogamous people are just afraid of commitment.
My loved one is just engaging in this to “fix” a relationship issue with their significant other.
Non-monogamy is bad for kids and leads to an unstable family structure.
The Polyamorists Next Door by Dr. Eli Sheff has a lot of information on research concerning children, family, and polyamory.
If your loved one has decided to come out to you, chances are it’s because they love you and want you to be happy for them and their life journey. Some of the common themes from our listeners about coming out we distilled into these advisory points:
Sometimes a level of comfortability around non-monogamy is just going to take time. We’ve heard patrons of our podcast who say that their parents have commented on how much happier, freer, and more themselves their children are now that they are living a non-monogamous lifestyle.
If you say you will be there for your kid “no matter what,” stick to that sentiment, even if non-monogamy is not the relationship path you originally envisioned for your child.
Remember, even though it may feel like this decision is in some way about you, it’s not. It’s easy to feel like your loved one is somehow telling you that YOUR choices about relationships are wrong. Remember that they are making a choice about them that reflects their values and hopefully will enable them to live as authentically as they possibly can.
If you have questions for your loved one, take some time to formulate your thoughts and then thoughtfully and respectfully ask them. Try to emotionally regulate before discussing a charged subject!
A lot of our listeners commented on only telling the people in their lives who they deem “important enough to tell.” So if you are one of those people, congratulations, that means you are a vital part of your loved one’s life! They want to be open and honest with you about something that means a great deal to them.
Regarding the future and what it holds
When fielding questions that may come up regarding your loved one’s relationship status:
Discuss with your loved one how open and out they want to be to other people. This is private information about their personal life.
Don’t accidentally “out” your loved one to another person (or on social media) especially if they are worried about any ramifications of them being out to the world at large.
Some people may want to be more out and may encourage you to speak about their relationship as openly and honestly as possible. Gauge your own levels of comfortability regarding how open you want to be with others.
If your loved one has multiple partners, consider inviting all of them to a family gathering. Try not to single out only one partner of theirs and view them as the “real one.”
Remember that coming out may have been a very scary step for your loved one to take. This may have been months or even YEARS in the making. There are so many reasons why a person may choose to not come out which may include:
Discrimination against their choices and relationship style.
Possible repercussions to their job or housing (non-monogamy isn’t a protected class).
Possible custody battles with conservative family members.
Fear of being cut out of the lives of friends and family.
Taking the time and energy to educate yourself about non-monogamy is a great first step in accepting your loved one. Thank you for caring for your loved one and making an effort!
Transcript
This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.
Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we're talking to all of you out there who have just had a loved one tell you that they are non-monogamous. They may have said polyamorous or open relationship or they're in the lifestyle or they're a relationship anarchist or a variety of other terms that are all types of non-monogamy, basically something other than monogamy. Maybe you're feeling confused, maybe you're feeling scared for their well-being. Maybe you've never even heard of the term polyamorous or non-monogamous until this very moment right here.
Today, we are going to go back to basics for all of you out there who might be new to the concept of polyamory, some tactics for how to react to your loved ones, revelation, some things that are important for you to understand about it, as well as what you can expect for the future and how best to care for your loved one.
Dedeker: Quick introductions just in case you've never listened to the show before, you have no idea who the heck we are. We've been creating this podcast since 2014. My name is Dedeker. I've been some flavor of non-monogamous since 2011. I also have been working as a relationship coach with primarily non-monogamous clients, individuals, couples, triads, and more since 2015.
Jase: I'm Jase. I've also been polyamorous for over a decade. I work for a fairly large company in corporate America where I'm not completely out to everybody, but I also don't keep it secret.
Emily: I'm Emily. I was non-monogamous for about five years. I started my non-monogamous journey with Jase, but I turned back to monogamy and have been in a monogamous relationship for the past five years. On the show, we talk about a wide variety of relationship styles and we are here to talk to you today about this very important subject. If you out there have just been told by a loved one that they are coming out as non-monogamous and you want to hear more, you want to learn more, and turn to this podcast today, we just want to tell you, bravo. That's awesome. We really appreciate your curiosity.
We so appreciate you being interested in the subject enough to want to come and learn more about it. We also want to acknowledge that it's very possible that you're feeling a lot of really conflicting emotions, you're having maybe a challenging time with this. Maybe this isn't exactly what you thought your loved ones life would look like and you want to hear more about it. You want to figure out, "Hey, is this really something that's going to be okay for my loved one or not?" There's a lot of reasons and a lot of things in our society that cause us to feel like compulsory monogamy is the only normal and okay way to exist in relationships.
It really permeates our books or media or news, songs basically, it's everywhere out there. Monogamy is wonderful and the choice of most people out there, but it's not necessarily the right way to do a relationship for absolutely everyone. We wrote a book recently called Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships. We have a quote from that book from a person who does a lot of work as well in the non-monogamous space named Michelle High. She said eight billion people cannot fit under one way of living. While it can feel daunting, it's helpful to remember that relearning will not happen overnight. Everyone's timeline is different and the least we can do is remain actively curious.
Why are you in the relationship you're in? If no one cared or judged you, what would your relationships with others and with yourself look like? Are these structures serving you or are you serving the idea of these structures? Today, we just really encourage you to listen to this podcast with your ears open, with your heart open, and hopefully, you'll learn a little something about this today.
Dedeker: Our show and this episode, in particular, aren't about proselytizing the merits of non-monogamy or trying to convince you have all the reasons why you yourself should try out non-monogamy. If anything in my line of work, a lot of what I'm doing sometimes is telling people that non-monogamy is not the right choice for them or for the relationship at this particular moment in time.
We do just encourage you to realize that there may be many reasons why someone might choose to be non-monogamous and there may be many reasons why that choice might ultimately serve their life and their personality better in the long run. We're going to start by talking about what non-monogamy is all about exactly. We're going to look at some statistics.
Jase: Just to start off, let's define some terms. Let's be scientists here and define what it is that we're talking about. First of all, what is non-monogamy? We've mentioned this a little bit so far, but essentially, non-monogamy is this umbrella term for any intimate relationship that does not strictly adhere to the standards of monogamy, particularly the standard of having only one person with whom you have sex, love, or display affection. The term non-monogamy in general just means not monogamy, so anything outside of a particular definition of monogamy. When most of us talk about non-monogamy though, what we're referring to is something that in research is usually called consensual non-monogamy.
The reason why that consensual part is put on the beginning is that everyone involved in it consents to it and is aware of it. When we say the term non-monogamy on this show, we are referring to consensual non-monogamy. That means that does not include cheating or someone having secret other partners or things like that. Even within non-monogamy, it's possible to cheat. That's still a thing that can happen because effectively cheating is just saying, "We had a particular agreement about how our relationship is going to go."
I think for many of us who haven't questioned it yet, it's just we're in a relationship, so by default, there's an agreement that we're going to be monogamous if we haven't talked about it being otherwise, and if you break that agreement, that's a violation of trust. That's cheating. Within non-monogamy, that can still happen. It might look a little bit different, but it's still that we agreed something, there were some expectations, and now I've broken those. I did want to clarify a few things there.
When we say non-monogamy, we mean consensual non-monogamy where everyone involved knows about it and consents and agrees that their partner is going to be with other people or they're going to be with people together or whatever it is. That it's not the same as cheating and that we also look at that as that's something to avoid in relationships because it's not healthy.
Dedeker: Now, if you've gone down any Google rabbit holes about this already, you may realize there's a whole boatload of terms out there and labels. We've previewed some of them: polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all kinds of different terms, labels, different practices, things like that. We're not going to get super granular in this episode going through every possible label or term. If your loved one has thrown a particular term at you or a label at you that you're not sure, probably the best thing is to ask them what that label means to them. Then if you still want to go down a Google rabbit hole to see how other people define it, you can do that as well.
For the purposes of this episode, we're just going to be working with the big umbrella of non-monogamy that includes many different labels, flavors, and practices. Something we specifically wanted to point out is that many people will interchange the terms non-monogamy or polyamory with polygamy. That's pretty common because a lot of people do have an understanding of what polygamy is. We hear the word polygamy and it brings to mind a bearded man named Ezekiel with a bunch of child brides. Polygamy is a particular practice that has happened the world over. It's generally a married relationship where one man marries multiple women.
Those women are not allowed to date or have any kind of extramarital relationships with other people. It has become associated with cults or particularly dogmatic religious practices. I just wanted to clarify that that falls under the umbrella of non-monogamy. The subject of our show and most of the people in our community are not practicing in that particular way. Let's move on to talk about some actual statistics. There's a YouGov survey that was conducted in February of 2023. They surveyed a thousand Americans and asked them to rate their ideal relationship style. They created a scale where the scale went from zero to six.
Zero meant total monogamy and six meant complete non-monogamy and this is what they found. They found that 34% of the respondents described something other than complete monogamy as being their ideal relationship style, which is a third. That's a big chunk. 26% of the sample chosen option somewhere in the middle, so somewhere between a one and a five, not total monogamous but also not totally non-monogamous. One in eight Americans or 12% say that they have engaged in sexual activity with someone other than their primary partner with their primary partner's permission.
More commonly, 20% of adults say that they have engaged in sexual activity with someone else without the consent of their main partner, which is interesting that there's still a fair chunk, at least in this somewhat representative sample, a fair chunk of people who cheat, who practice what we would call non-consensual non-monogamy. There have been many studies and surveys like this over the years, but it's estimated that there's probably about 5% of the adult population in the US that is currently engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy. That equates to over 10 million people, give or take a few million or a few percentage points.
Even if you don't think that you know someone who's non-monogamous outside of maybe your loved one who just revealed this to you, chances are you probably do know many, many, many more people who are non-monogamous. The people who are practicing consensual non-monogamy are your doctors, your lawyers, your kids' teacher, your neighbor two houses down, a wide swath of the population practices consensual non-monogamy, so chances are really high that you do know someone who does this.
Emily: I think it's really understandable for people out there to have fear around this subject because there is a lot of stigma involved with the idea of non-monogamy in general. I think people's mind immediately goes to they're cheating, somebody is going to get hurt here, or the guy just wants to sleep around. Any number of misconceptions out there. We just want to clear up some of the most common misconceptions that people may have when they're talking about or thinking about non-monogamous relationships. The first one is it's just a sex thing.
I have heard a lot of people out there, especially in, I know Jase and my initial coming out story, when we talked to some friends and family about being non-monogamous, they uttered the words, "Why don't you just keep it to yourself? Isn't that just like a thing that you do in the bedroom?" It's not actually, it is a relationship lifestyle. It's a form of relationships. You wouldn't necessarily just keep your monogamy in the bedroom or to yourself, for instance. You would want to talk about your loved ones and the people that you're in relationships with outside of just, well, I have sex with this person, so I'm going to keep it to myself.
Jase: Right, yes. The example I always love to give is, if that's how you thought about it, it's like saying, "You shouldn't wear a wedding ring because that's making so public the fact that you have sex with this person. You should just keep that in the bedroom." It's like, no, that's not what that signifies. The same thing can be true here. I do think it's worth clarifying that for some people, consensual non-monogamy could just be a sex thing, and that that might be the way that they're doing it, but for a lot of people, especially if they use a term like polyamorous or relationship anarchist or open relationship, it generally means that these are also emotional intimate relationships just like you would have with your husband or wife or partner or anyone like that.
Emily: The next misconception that I think is really prevalent for a lot of people is this notion or idea that if you add more partners to a relationship, then that means everyone's going to get an STI. While certainly there is a risk when you have more partners, studies have actually shown that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships have less occurrences of STIs than those who just go out and cheat, for example. We have a wonderful resource, multiamory.com/sources. You can go to that website and check out a bunch of different resources and a bunch of different studies that have been done on non-monogamy over the years.
One of the studies is a comparison of sexual health history and practices among monogamous and consensually non-monogamous sexual partners. It was a study that came out in 2015 and it found that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships had the same or lower rates of STI as their monogamous counterparts. People who are in consensually non-monogamous relationships tend to get tested more often, they tend to share those results with their partners, they tend to talk openly about, is everyone going to be wearing a condom? Is everyone going to be practicing other forms of safe sex? What are we going to be doing in these scenarios? Versus people who cheat may not have those types of discussions.
Dedeker: Anecdotally, what I've found is among people who are dating around, maybe more traditionally, trying to find a monogamous partner, but currently just going on dates with a bunch of different people, those people also tend to talk less openly with people that they're sleeping with or hooking up with about, "Hey, how many other people are you sleeping with? What sort of safe sex practices are you engaging with? What kind of barriers are you using? How often are the other people getting tested?" In traditional dating culture, talking about that stuff is considered a little bit taboo. We find that people who are openly non-monogamous are much more likely to actually be talking about those things.
Again, while, of course, when you have sex at all, there's always going to be a certain amount of risk, whether you're having sex with one person or three people or whatever it is, that the more people are encouraged to talk about it openly, the more they're empowered to reduce that risk, which is something that is a little bit more baked into non-monogamous culture.
Jase: The next thing on our list of common misconceptions is that non-monogamy is just a phase. That polyamory is just a phase and eventually, they'll grow out of it and settle down. While people can during their lifetime change the type of relationship that they want to have, we gave Emily as an example of that, where she was in non-monogamy for several years, and then was in a relationship where she decided to be a monogamous. That also doesn't necessarily mean that's the way her life will be forever. It's not like she grew out of it. Through this show, we interact with thousands of people around the world who listen to this show and who reach out to us.
We know people who have been non-monogamous for 50 years already, 60 years. We know people who are third-generation child whose parents were some kind of non-monogamy before they even had terms like polyamory, which is a relatively recent term, but were basically doing that thing already. This is not just something people do because they're afraid of commitment and they just want to date around because we already have a way to do that and that's just called being a normal monogamous person dating around. That idea of, "I'm trying people out." When we think about monogamy, the technical-scientific definition of monogamy is some creature, whoever it is.
If we're talking about some species of animal, we call them monogamous if they mate with one other person for life ever, that's it. We as humans are not that, we don't fall into that category. Most of us will have multiple consecutive monogamous relationships during our lifetimes. Hopefully, we have one that's healthy and lasts a while if we want to be monogamous, but for most of us, that's not the case. It's actually very rare to find anyone who's only had one romantic partner their entire life.
Emily: Especially nowadays.
Jase: Especially nowadays. I honestly think even before, it was more true than people admitted because there's, again, a lot of the stigma and associations with it. Anyway, the point here is that there are already plenty of ways to date around and see who's good for you if that's what you're looking for, and non-monogamy, where you're doing it intentionally actually takes a lot of commitment. It takes a lot of willingness to have really honest and vulnerable conversations with your partners.
Really introspecting yourself of what do I want here? How can I show up in this relationship well? It's definitely not something that people do just because they're afraid of commitment because we already have other ways to do that.
Dedeker: Another common misconception or concern that may come up is this fear that you my loved one might just be doing this to fix a relationship issue with our significant other. Maybe this is a sign that the relationship is on the rocks and it's all going to fall apart soon. Now this one's tricky because sometimes this does happen. Quite honestly, open relationships, non-monogamy, polyamory are becoming much more visible. A lot more people are becoming aware of this being a relationship option.
I do think that means there's a lot more people who, when their monogamous relationship is no longer serving them but they're not quite ready to break up, will turn towards non-monogamy as a last-ditch effort or a last experiment or something to try. For some of those people, non-Monogamy is going to be a brilliant fit that revitalizes their relationship and makes things feel better. For a lot of people, if there's already major foundational issues in the relationship, non-monogamy is not going to solve it. This one's a tricky one because I do think people can legitimately be concerned about that because sometimes that does happen. However, that's not always what the case is.
Sometimes, especially if someone has been in a seemingly monogamous relationship for a long time, many years, and then suddenly they say, "Oh, we're opening up our relationship now," they may have already been open actually for many, many years and their now telling you about it. That may be your loved one's case, it may not be, but often, that's been my experience is that many people have been some flavor of non-monogamy for a long time and they've just been passing as monogamous in public.
Jase: Yes, and to go along with that, relationships do sometimes end, like Dedeker mentioned, if the foundation already was rocky in that relationship and maybe they are trying to open it up to see if that works, that relationship still might end, but it also might've ended anyway. I think that sometimes it's easy for us to look from the outside at something different and if that relationship doesn't work out to say, "Well, clearly, it didn't work out because you were doing this type of relationship."
If you think about it, if you judged monogamous relationships as well this type of relationship doesn't work, if you ever see one end, none of us would do it because all of us, like we mentioned, we've been in multiple relationships, so we've seen them end, we've seen them not work out. That is just part of us relating as humans.
Emily: Most people don't blame monogamy on the reason why a relationship ended. Often I see that people say, "Well, that didn't work out just because you chose to be non-monogamous or polyamorous or something," but we wouldn't say that if a monogamous relationship ended. We'd just be like, "Onto the next one. There are other fish in the sea." Think about that perhaps that really, again, this is a totally legitimate lifestyle and practice that people want to do and it's not just because, oh, you're non-monogamous that something may not work out.
Dedeker: There's also a lot of things that people in monogamous relationships will do to "fix" a relationship issue that maybe are not the healthiest like deciding, "We'll get married, that's going to make things feel better," or, "We're going to have a kid, that's going to make things feel better. We'll move to a new city, that'll make things feel better." Sometimes it does, a lot of the times it doesn't, but also, those are all things that people in healthy relationships also do. Speaking of kids, one of the big concerns that often comes up is, "Oh my God, what about the children?"
Surely practicing some form of consensual non-monogamy is going to be bad for your kids, it's going to lead to an unstable family structure. I'll be the first to say that none of the three of us have kids of our own. All of us are connected to kids and people raising kids in our life and all of us are also connected to people who are non-monogamous, have been consensually non-monogamous for many years, and have raised their kids in that structure and the kids seem to be doing all right. Because we're not parents ourselves, we always refer people to other resources.
For instance, Dr. Eli Sheff is the foremost researcher on the impact of non-monogamous families or non-monogamous parents on kids. We highly recommend going out and checking out her book. The Polyamorists Next Door is a really good resource where she talks about her research. She also keeps a very active Psychology Today blog and blog on her website talking about her findings, her longitudinal study participants, and things like that. As well as other content creators like Libby Sinback who does the Making Polyamory Work podcast. Many other creators out there who are people who are parents, and also actively practicing polyamory.
Emily: I have people in my immediate family who have been non-monogamous in their relationship since the beginning and have kids together. Those kids I've seen are really thriving with multiple adults in their lives and multiple types of interactions and ideas about how the world works. Parents get a little bit of time off because there are more people around to take care of kids. It's just nice. It takes a village. I've heard, not from experience, but raising kids really does take a village and the opportunity to have more great adults in children's lives I think is never a bad thing.
Jase: It's also interesting to note that in Dr. Eli Sheff's research, she's found that the children of polyamorous or non-monogamous families are not necessarily more likely to end up polyamorous themselves. She actually said a lot of them grow up and decide they want to be monogamous, but at least they grow up with an awareness that they've chosen that rather than just thinking, "That's my only option, I have no choice." It actually can lead to healthier monogamous relationships when it's done intentionally like that.
We're going to move on and talk about some personal experiences as well as some things for you to keep in mind moving forward with this relationship with your loved one, but we're going to take a quick break to talk about some of our sponsors for this show. This is how we're able to keep doing this podcast every week and put this out there into the world for free for everyone out there to have these resources. If this is valuable to you, we do appreciate you taking a moment to check out the sponsors. If any are interesting to you, use our promo codes or join our Patreon and help support our show that way. We do really appreciate it.
Emily: We're back. Now, the three of us have been doing this podcast for over nine years now, and during that time, we've heard just a ton of stories about people coming out to their family, to their friends, to people at work on the internet. Throughout that time, we've seen some common themes come up about their experiences, how they wished it went, things that they took away from that experience, how things went really well in some instances, or it took their parents or their loved ones a lot of time to finally come to terms with or be okay with them coming out. We wanted to share some of the common themes that came up throughout all of these different stories that people had.
The first theme that I saw is that a level of comfortability around non-monogamy for some people is just simply going to take time. I know from my own coming out experience or talking to my mom about being non-monogamous, how she was at the beginning of that journey to where she is now is pretty huge. There was a lot of talk of like, "I just think monogamy is the best way for relationships or the real way of relating to someone," or things along those lines. That's really not the sentiment that she's given me today at all. I think she really sees non-monogamy as a very valid choice and something that can make people really happy.
I love hearing from our listeners that their parents have, over time, or their friends, over time, have said, "This person that came out is so much happier, so much freer, so much more themselves now that they're living in this non-monogamous lifestyle that makes them feel like they are fully who they are, who they were meant to be," and I think that's huge. That may be something that you experience over time as well with this person who just came out to you.
Dedeker: We've been trying to keep this generic about just your loved one, so we don't know if that's your nephew or your second cousin or whatever it is, but in particular, if you're a parent and it's your child who has come out to you as being consensually non-monogamous, if as a parent, you know that you're going to be there for your kid no matter what, it's important to stick to that sentiment even now, even if non-monogamy is not the relationship path that you originally envisioned for your child.
Remember that even though it may feel like this is in some way about you or your parenting or the messages you try to instill in your child about relationships or the messages you may be unintentionally instilled in your child about relationships, it's not. It's not about that and it's not about you. It can be easy to feel like your loved one is somehow telling you that this means your choices about relationships are wrong or were wrong and I've figured out a better way to do relationships. Just remember that they're making a choice about themselves. It reflects their values, it reflects who they are, what they're interested in right now.
Hopefully, by being out about it, it will enable them to live as authentically as they possibly can. I know this was something that I ran into when I came out to my mom, it was literally these two things back to back. She was immediately upset because she was worried. She had this vision for me that I would meet one person who would take care of me and fall in love with me and I would follow this very traditional path. I had to remind her that "I am happy and I am taken care of and I do have fulfilling relationships, it's just not with one person." Then I also ran into this where she immediately I think felt some shame and sadness and felt like, "Oh, her relationship failures set me up to do this.
Her inability to have a long-lasting marriage or whatever it was was what set me on this path," which also wasn't the case. Of course, when it comes to parent-child dynamics, things are always complicated and we're always untangling this massive knot of Christmas tree lights, of what neuroses did we pick up from whom, but just remember that chances are really high this is not about you or your relationship choices.
Jase: The next theme that came up was about when you have questions. First of all, looking up resources like this one that are trying to give a broad overview of everything is great. I think that's a great first step to get familiar with the overall shape of what this is. If someone says they're monogamous, you might think, "I know what that is," but to one person, monogamy might mean when we get together, we go and we literally tie a rope between ourselves where we're never more than a few feet apart from each other and live out in the countryside together for the rest of our lives and this is basically the only person I really interact with much anymore.
Honestly, for some people, that's what monogamy means. For other people on the other extreme, monogamy might mean, yes, but if I'm out of town on a business trip, that's fair game, that's fine. Maybe we've even agreed on that, but they still say "I'm monogamous." My point here is that there's a broad range of what people might call monogamy. Similarly, with any type of consensual non-monogamy, there's also a broad range. Just because your loved one told you, "I do this type of relationship, I'm polyamorous," if you go and look up stuff about that, just realize that in the same way monogamy can vary a lot, polyamory can vary a lot or any of the other terms.
If there are things that you're wondering about, the best person to ask, as we mentioned earlier, is your loved one. Ask them themselves. However, when you're doing that, take some time to think a little bit about the question you want to ask. One is, take some time to formulate your thoughts and think about, how can I ask this question respectfully and thoughtfully? It's very possible that your loved one is a little bit afraid of your reaction, and so even if you don't intend it, it's possible that a question can feel more like an accusation or like you're trying to poke holes in it rather than you just want to know. Be really mindful of that.
The other one is to also evaluate, is this actually a question that I need an answer to? For example, if you don't talk about your child's sex life that much, this is not suddenly the time to ask them all these questions. If that's not part of your relationship and not something you talk about a lot, that's none of your business. It really doesn't matter. Or maybe that is something you talk about or maybe you have a specific concern that's keeping you up at night, take time to formulate that. Figure out how you can ask it in a way that's respectful and thoughtful and also be sure to ask it in an appropriate way.
When you're emotionally regulated, when you're feeling calm, when you're able to offer empathy to them keeping in mind that even though more people are talking about non-monogamy now in the media and we're starting to see more characters in movies and TV shows and things like that, most of society is still telling us this is not a valid way to do relationships. Especially if people are newly opening up about the fact that they're doing this or they're newly starting to do it, there can be a lot of fear that people are going to be accusing you of things and so there can be a defensiveness there. Just be aware of that and try to be compassionate when asking those questions.
Emily: I just want to point out also that you may have already had an interaction with your loved one that didn't go very well. There's always time to come back and emotionally regulate and maybe apologize, maybe say, "Hey, that wasn't the reaction that I wanted to have. I was just nervous or scared for you or confused or all of these things and I really want to ask some questions and have a dialogue with you about this thing that's maybe a little bit more coming from a sense of curiosity and interest rather than fear and anger or sadness," or something along those lines.
I think it's great to be able to come back and change the narrative about how it is that you initially may have reacted to this situation and instill some curiosity and some kindness because I'm sure that's why you're here listening to this today.
Jase: We're going to move on to talking about what you can do moving forward, but one last trend that came up in what our listeners said when we asked them about this is to remember that for most people who are starting to open up about being non-monogamous, they're only telling people in their lives who they deem important enough to tell and safe enough to tell. If you're one of those people, congratulations. Realize that that was a big step and that means you are an important person and someone whose opinion really does matter to this person who came out to you.
Just realize that and that they want to be open and honest with you and they want to have a more honest connection with you and that's something to celebrate.
Dedeker: Let's talk about what the future may hold for you and your loved one. One of the first concerns that often comes up is, "Okay, so this person has come out to me, Thanksgiving is happening next week, how do I talk to my sister about what my child is doing? How do I talk to Grandma about what's going on or the fact that my kid is going to bring two people to Thanksgiving?" or things like that. Hopefully they've given you a little bit more notice than next week for Thanksgiving, but sometimes these things happen. Again, the recurring theme of the episode is it's best for you to pose that question to this person, to your loved one, about how open and out they want to be to other people.
Remember, as Jay said, there's still a lot of stigma, there's still a lot of misunderstanding, there's still a lot of labor and effort that has to go into being out and having conversations about these things. Ultimately, this is information about their personal life. Let them be the ones to help lead how open they're going to be with other family members, with friends, with your friends. Along those lines, it's important to make sure that you don't accidentally out your loved one to somebody else. Don't go and post about it on social media.
Don't immediately run to your closest confidant in the family and gush to them about it unless this person has given you explicit permission to tell them because there still can be ramifications of people being out to the world at large. Even if you're like, "Oh, it's fine, I know that your aunt's going to react to it positively, it's okay," that's nice, but this person may still want to be the one who's in control of sharing that information and being able to answer questions accurately. Just make sure you get consent from your loved one before you go and share with anybody else and hopefully be open to collaborating with them on that.
Emily: We have heard from some people, however, that being out as much as possible is a way of them living as authentically as possible so they may encourage you, "Yes, tell everyone, go for it. I don't care." You may have to gauge your own levels of comfortability in terms of being out. You may not want to go tell your pastor about it if that's going to lead to some awkward conversations or some discrimination or something along those lines. I think it is personal on your part if you are being told, "Yes, go tell the world, go for it," but if you're not, then definitely be respectful to your loved one's wishes because there may be some issues with them coming out, especially if you live in a more conservative area.
Also, along the lines of going to family gatherings, things like Thanksgiving, your loved one may have multiple partners, and we definitely encourage you to consider extending an invitation to all of those people when you're asking them to come to a gathering. That just is acknowledging, hey, there's not just one real partner. The person that they opened up with or one particular person that you really have connected with or like, this person that you care about has a variety of partners potentially. We just encourage you to extend those invitations to all of them and acknowledge even on the phone, ask about them.
Say, "How is so-and-so doing?" or, "How are your other partners doing?" What's something exciting that's been happening in their lives just so that they know that they're cared for as well.
Jase: Just to come back and reiterate some things here, just remember that coming out to you about this may have been very scary and it may have been months or even years in the making before they felt like they could share this with you. There are a lot of reasons for that, and these are also why it's important to talk to them directly about how comfortable they are with you talking to other people about it or posting about it, things like that. Just be sure to check with them.
As we've mentioned, there's just the fear of discrimination against their choices and their relationships, all this unsolicited advice coming in telling you that you're doing a terrible thing and that you're a bad person for doing this. There's a very real fear about that, but there's also potentially even more serious repercussions that can happen. One could be their job or their housing. There are certain protected classes such as your race or your sexual orientation or your gender or your disability status, things like that that legally someone can't fire you for those things or kick you out of your housing for those things.
It does still happen even though technically, legally, you're not allowed to. With something like polyamory or non-monogamy, that's not one of those protected classes. Again, there could be a legal case there. I would say most employers would not outright say that's why they're firing someone or a landlord wouldn't say that's why they're kicking you out of the building, but it is a risk and something that could affect your loved one. Just be mindful of that.
Similarly, especially if they live in a particularly conservative area and have other family members who might be antagonistic to them, it's possible that their mother and father-in-law might try to fight to take custody of their children away because they haven't listened to this episode and they do have this way of thinking, "Oh, this is dangerous, this is bad for the child. They must be having sex parties in front of the children," which is ridiculous. That's a horrible thing to do and that's not any part of anyone's life who is non-monogamous that I'm aware of. That's just not a thing. For people who don't know, you could say, "Oh, that's what happens," and the judge goes, "Yes, it sounds right to me. Okay, take away your kids.
There can be some very serious repercussions here, so really communicate with them with how comfortable they are being out because they don't want to be cut out of the family or have family members actively fighting them over things. I'll say even if they're not afraid of those repercussions, maybe you have a reasonable confidence that they're not going to have to deal with that, even still, if you tell the aunt or your friend who comes over about this and suddenly your loved one is now stuck for like an hour or two just answering all the questions that that person has, some which may not be as thoughtful and respectful as the ones that you've tried to put together, that's an annoying situation.
Where, "Cool, I came for Thanksgiving and all I've had to do is explain myself to all these family members that I wasn't ready to have this conversation with or just didn't feel was important enough to." Just have those conversations and really realize how important it is that you are someone in this inner circle of trust and that you can work together with your loved one to help support them here.
Dedeker: There's a lot of different factors that can go into this. This is going to depend on the political flavor of your locality. It's going to depend on how progressive or conservative your loved one's place of work is, how open-minded their friends and family are, and not to mention, this all intersects with their identity and lived experience. This all lands differently for someone who isn't white or who isn't cisgender, for instance. That can complicate the stigma, the anxieties, the worries that they may have about coming out. Even if those things are not an issue right now, they may become issues down the road if they switch jobs or switch cities or switch life circumstances in some way.
That's why really our main takeaway is just that it's important to do your utmost to be an ally to this person in whatever way you can. If someone is able to come out, it means that they're taking a step towards finally living authentically and it's a rising tide that raises all ships. This helps to decrease discrimination that other people in similar situations may face in the future.
Again, the best ways that we have found, and I mean we, not the three of us, but we culturally have found to reduce stigma and discrimination of marginalized groups and minority identities is for people to personally know people who are a part of those identities to be able to literally have a face that they attach to this particular identity. Coming out, it's an act of courage, there's a lot of risks involved, but ultimately, it helps to reduce that stigma and marginalization over time.
Emily: As this episode comes to a close, we want to acknowledge that we tried to put as much information into this episode as we possibly could, but there's so many other things that we could have covered on this topic, and there's little doubt that you listening to this will probably have even more questions that come up because of this episode. We just want to let you know that we're putting some additional resources in the show notes. You can also go to multiamory.com and look for this specific episode and we will have a variety of resources there on our website as well so you can look there for even more information about this topic.
This is hard stuff. It can be challenging. You may have the best intentions, but you may still internally feel like, "Shit, this is really tough. I don't know where to begin, I don't know how to think about this. I don't know how to change my viewpoints after so many years of hearing and living in a monogamous lifestyle and hearing that that's the best thing for people out there." We're not telling you at all how to live your life, but we just want to encourage you to be there for your loved one as much as possible.
Again, this is not about you, it's not about the way in which you raised this person, it's just an expression, hopefully, of how they can live their life in the most valid and fulfilled way possible. We just encourage you to see it for what it is and hopefully encourage them to live their best life possible.
Jase: To close out this episode, we wanted to share a little story with you. This is a coming-out story that one of our listeners sent in for this episode, and they also got their mom to write part of the story as well, so we get both perspectives here. First, our listener writes, "I first came out to my mom maybe three years ago. I was dating someone who she'd met, but I wanted to introduce her to my metamour." Quick clarification, metamour means someone that your partner is dating, but that you're not. If Dedeker has another partner, that person would be my metamour.
There was a metamour that she wanted her mom to meet. "She didn't understand at first, but she didn't need to understand immediately. Just as when I came out to her as transgender, she took it in stride. She learned as she went along and centered first love, the love for her daughter and the love for the people that I love. When breakups happened, she was there for me and as joy now flourishes, she's celebrating with me. She's met most of my partners, even hosted myself and two of my partners over for the holidays two years ago.
Now I'm sharing in love with a partner and three wonderful children, and while I do not have kids of my own, my mom has taken up the role of honorary grandma with joy and excitement. I look at many of my queer polyamorous peers whose parents have rejected them and I'm heartbroken. It seems to me that many parents of queer or polyamorous kids would rather harden their hearts than receive the wellspring of joy in front of them. I hope one day their hearts can soften. It's with that perspective that I look at my mom and I realize how lucky I am. I wanted to ask her to provide her perspective on my being polyamorous with the podcast, so here are her words."
Dedeker: I'll be playing the role of the mother. "Let me first say that I'm 62 years old, retired clergy, and was in a 37-year marriage until my husband died of cancer. I don't remember much about the day my daughter disclosed she's polyamorous. To me, the most important thing is that she's living her life and is a loving person. I do not stand in judgment of her. I'm blessed that my daughter has surrounded herself with several loving, caring, and devoted partners. I'm blessed that I've gotten to know them and consider them part of my family. Their children have become like my grandchildren.
I've opened my heart to all the partners and have difficulty understanding how anyone could turn away their own children. Love is love. It breaks my heart to hear some of them share how their parents have turned their backs on them. My life is much richer, much fuller because of the relationships my daughter has with her partners. In fact, it's quite fun to spend time with them. For any parents who have not opened their hearts, I pray you'll find a way to expand your circle of love. It is truly a joy."
Emily: If you want to discuss more with other listeners of this show, the best place to share your thoughts is in the episode discussion channel in our Discord server or you can post in our private Facebook group. You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to patreon.com/multiamory. In addition, you can share with us publicly on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or Threads. Multiamory is created and produced by Jase Lindgren, and Dedeker Winston, and me, Emily Matlack. Our production assistants are Rachel Schenewerk and Carson Collins. Our theme song is Forms I Know I Did by Josh and Anand from the Fractal Cave Ep. The full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com.