Q&A, cont.

Continuing our discussion with Kitty Stryker from last week, we have more listener questions to discuss!

For anyone who hasn’t heard part 1, Kitty Stryker, who has been working on defining and creating a consent culture for over 13 years, has defined and created consent culture through her writing, workshops, and website consentculture.com. She's the editor of "Ask: Building Consent Culture," author of "Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook," and is especially interested in bringing conversations about consent out of the bedroom into everyday life. In her copious free time, Kitty works as a street medic for direct actions, plays Dungeons and Dragons, volunteers at the local animal shelter, and cares for her two cats. She identifies as queer, asexual, sober, anarchist, and femme. She was last on Multiamory back in 2018.

The questions we address in this second half of our Q&A are:

1. "Do you have any thoughts on how we as a culture and society help educate folks on the idea of coercive consent and unconscious power dynamics in life?" I ask this question in relation to the surge of unicorn hunters and how that relates to couples privileges in general. We often hear the sentiment, 'well if everyone is on board with this structure then it's fine and consensual', but what those folks seem to have a hard time grasping is the idea of coercive consent and unconscious power dynamics. How can we teach that how you relate to people affects their ability to consent in situations like unicorn hunting? I've tried examples like doctor/patient and professor/student but it doesn't resonate with the crowd. What other ways can we explain this nuance outside of the FRIES model to foster consent culture in non-monogamy?”

2. "What are some tools in coping with generalized anxiety in asking for what I want from a (prospective) sexual partner? I certainly have layers of pleasure shame and more so find myself overanalyzing the explicitness that's appropriate for flirting or just open conversation around desires, turn ons, curiosities. I'm demisexual and shamefully use the label 'late bloomer' to describe my sexual history and experience, thus I'm rarely confident that I'm using the 'right' language and often clam up as a protection mechanism. Is the answer to actually just say the thing and risk the awkwardness of 'doing it wrong' or my desires being exposed as abnormal? Any strategies to build confidence when speaking to desire and an internal assuredness that the desire itself is valid and okay?”

3. “I’m 41 and have been in monogamous relationships for my whole adult life. I ended my latest relationship a few months ago and am looking into non-monogamous relationships and, quite honestly, some attachment-free hookups. When arranging meetups with people met online, how should I approach consent and discussing what I’m willing to do ahead of time, so there aren’t as many shocks or awkward moments, without coming off as rigid or unwilling to try things once comfortable?”

4. "I have found a way to navigate situational mutism (something that stems from my autism) during sex (via non-verbal 'safe words'), but it was really challenging to get there. It feels like there is a lot of shame/mistrust aimed at people who 'cannot say no' with the current consent paradigm, which definitely contributed to me trying to 'should' myself toward verbal communication in those moments. I thought ‘If I just said 'no', they would stop. I know they hold consent as a value, so if I just speak up...’ But some people told me that they couldn't trust me and my consent if I couldn't give them that 'in the moment' yes v. no. The current model of ‘I can't trust you if you can't say no' seems to not account for realities like trauma histories or being people pleasers. So...how do others handle that?”

5. "My nesting partner and I both have very different needs when it comes to information shared before or after the other person goes on a date. I find myself feeling more secure and less jealous after hearing about my partner's date, and they love having the space to share about their other relationships and process them together. However, my partner wants little to no details about my dates but also experiences a lot of jealousy and insecurity about me seeing other people. I want to respect their boundaries but, and it feels ugly to say, I find myself getting resentful that I am providing the space for them to process their dates when they can't provide that for me. Their insecurity and jealousy is something they are working on with their therapist as well as something we are working on together in couples therapy. But I crave the space to freely express enjoyment and joy about my other relationships to someone as well, and ideally with my nesting partner. How do you stop yourself from feeling negatively about things you provide for your partner that they struggle to/can't provide for you?”

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